Benson & Rollins: A Season 20 Drabble Series
by sheepish123
Summary: A collection of (mostly) unrelated drabbles that will take place during or after certain episodes of season 20, and will include the friendship and/or romance between Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins.
1. Episodes 20x01 & 20x02

**I've decided to do a series of drabbles that will take place during or after each episode of the 20th season; a way for me to keep my writing flowing when I'm having trouble with my other stories or I don't have enough time to tackle the longer chapters (life has been crazy lately, so I've hardly had any time to write). I will eventually get to my other fics when life calms down a bit.  
**

 **Although there will be the running theme of Amanda's pregnancy throughout this season, I want each drabble to be unconnected to the others so that I can add my own details into each one and make them their own separate tiny stories. Each chapter will focus on the friendship or romance between Liv and Amanda, as well as the plotline of the episode.**

 **This particular drabble will show a different side of Olivia and Amanda's relationship throughout the years. I started writing this before the deleted scene was released of Amanda telling Fin about her pregnancy, so that scene is not mentioned in this chapter.**

 **I promise the author's notes won't be this long for the upcoming drabbles! :)**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x01 & 20x02 ("Man Up" & "Man Down")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship **

**Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda stands wearily in the doorway of Olivia's office, observing her lieutenant's slumped shoulders and bowed head as the brunette sits at her desk and finishes up the last of the paperwork on their latest case. Olivia looks exactly the way she feels; weary and disheveled and in desperate need of a rest after the heartbreaking case they have just dealt with. She knows that the older woman is having some issues at home with Noah, from the bits and pieces of her personal life that Olivia has told her about lately, and she wants to make sure that her boss is doing okay before they part ways for the weekend.

Fin and Carisi have already left the precinct, Amanda noticing both of the men throwing her curious glances throughout the week when they think she isn't paying attention, and she is painfully aware of how hard it is becoming to hide her pregnancy, her belly growing rounder by the day. Olivia is the only one she has told so far, still unsure about what to do and grappling with one of the hardest decisions of her life in terms of where to go from here, and she is not eager to discuss such a private matter with any other members of the team.

Amanda's brain is swirling with a multitude of complex thoughts and emotions as she steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her, glad that the blinds on the windows are closed and will hide what she plans to do next. Olivia's head snaps up at the sound, the older woman looking dazed and fatigued, eyelids heavy and hair mussed as they regard each other across the room with the usual intense stare.

"Hey, how's it going?" Olivia asks softly, tilting her head to the side as they gaze intently at one another and Amanda moves closer to the desk. "Are you heading out?"

"Yeah, soon," Amanda replies quietly, spearing Olivia with her sharp blue gaze and wondering whether or not to mention the shocking conversation they had shared a few days earlier. "I just wanted to stop in and see you first, though."

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired and bloated and so hungry, I think I could eat for hours and still not be full," she admits honestly, noticing the slight curve of Olivia's lips and the amusement and concern shining in her eyes. "But that's not why I'm here."

Olivia gives her a knowing look, those large dark orbs lingering on her face, as if assessing what exactly it is that she needs. "You came in here for a hug?"

"Well, yeah," Amanda answers as a slight blush of embarrassment heats her pale cheeks, even though this has been their regular routine for a long time now, but fully aware of how inappropriate it is to engage in this kind of behavior at work.

This strange sort of ritual between them had started very unexpectedly a few years prior, after Olivia had given Amanda Dr. Lindstrom's card following everything that had happened with Charles Patton, Amanda breaking down and dissolving into tears in her boss' office, unable to get herself under control. Olivia had merely gazed at her with empathy and compassion for a silent moment, before doing something that surprised them both and holding her arms out to Amanda for a hug.

The gesture had been sweet and tentative, Olivia not pushing for her to return it and simply waiting patiently to see what she would do, Amanda's next action surprising her even more as she had instantly stepped into the taller woman's embrace and laid her head on Olivia's shoulder, the strong arms of the brunette closing around her shoulders and her own arms wrapping around Olivia's back in response. They had held each other tightly in the office for several minutes as Amanda wept, neither of them wanting to move and sever the intimate contact, and from that point on, it had just seemed to become their thing; their way of connecting with another human being for comfort and support when everything in their lives went to hell and they needed someone who understood the current circumstances in a way that most people were incapable of.

Amanda finds it amusing that Olivia hadn't been able to bring herself to ask if she was pregnant because of the possibility of overstepping her boundaries, when they have been engaging in this peculiar type of behavior for quite some time now. It's very odd to her that some things are still off limits if it involves speaking about them, but when it comes to the physical aspects of their relationship, they only seem to be growing closer. She doesn't know exactly what this association is; if it's a relationship of best friends or if there is something much deeper going on here, because she has never dared to put a voice to what they share and ask the question aloud, preferring to internalize her inquiries.

They have each been content with the ways things are between them, one providing tender physical comfort for the other when it is needed, and sometimes both women seeking it at the same time, depending on what is happening in their personal lives and at the precinct. That is all Amanda wants right now; for Olivia to wrap her in those strong arms and soothe the fear and uncertainty that she has about this pregnancy, and to soothe Olivia in return, her mind whirling with questions about the older woman's past that she doesn't have the courage to ask.

She watches as Olivia gets up from her chair and steps out from behind the desk, gesturing with one hand for her to move closer and Amanda obliging right away by tucking herself into the taller woman's side. She feels an immediate sense of relief, a loosening of the tight knot inside her chest, as one of Olivia's arms wraps around her shoulders and the other slides across her rib cage, fusing their bodies together as they walk over to the couch and drop down onto the comfortable piece of furniture at the same time.

They relax back against the cushions in tandem, Amanda's head coming to rest on Olivia's shoulder and pleasant tingles prickling her skin when the older woman's fingers brush her protruding belly as they get settled. She hears the soft sigh escape from Olivia's mouth and guesses that her boss is just as relieved as she is to finally have some quiet time to indulge in their private habit; one that she is quite sure would not go over very well with Olivia's superiors if they caught wind of what goes on between lieutenant and detective behind closed doors.

It's not like they are engaging in sexual activity, although Amanda can admit to herself that she would definitely not be adverse to such a thing, but she is well aware that what they do together, either at the precinct or at one of their apartments, is pretty bizarre nonetheless. "Is this weird?" she blurts out, even though she already knows the answer, her lip quirking up at the corner as she listens to Olivia's light chuckle.

"Cuddling on the couch in my office at our place of work? No, it's perfectly normal," the brunette snickers in response, Amanda grinning and pressing her face more firmly into the other woman's shoulder, inhaling the faint scents of perfume and shampoo. "But it's something that we both enjoy and it's no one else's business. And since it's been almost four years since we started doing this, why are you asking that question now?"

"I don't know," she answers with a shrug, running her fingers back and forth along the material of Olivia's blazer and reveling in the comfort of the taller form snuggled against her. "I've just been thinking about a lot of things lately; pregnancies and ex-boyfriends and other stuff...stuff that concerns you. Everything seems so confusing. I can't seem to turn my brain off."

"I get that," Olivia replies softly, Amanda's eyelids fluttering shut when she feels a gentle kiss being pressed against her forehead. "I know you're wrestling with a really big decision right now and I want to remind you that I'll be here for you, no matter what you decide." There is a slight pause and a noticeable intake of breath from the older woman. "I can't seem to turn my brain off either."

"I'm sorry," Amanda murmurs in remorse as she tilts her head up from Olivia's shoulder to fix her gaze on the smooth olive skin of her boss' cheek before trying to catch her eye. "I'm sorry I made you think of something you regret. I know you don't want to talk about it, but now it's my turn to remind you that I'm here for you too, no matter what."

"Thank you, Amanda, I appreciate that," Olivia says almost inaudibly, brown orbs staring off into the distance like she is lost in memories of the past.

"Are you okay, Liv?" Amanda asks gently, running a thumb under one of Olivia's eyes when she sees a tear clinging to her long lashes, the digit swiping along the purple bruise of fatigue that resides there. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm okay," Olivia assures her, although Amanda can detect the trace of a wobble in her tone and the concern she has for the other woman heightens even further. "You're the one we should be concentrating on right now. I'm worried about _you_."

"I'm alright." Amanda's voice is infused with a confidence that she doesn't quite feel, not knowing what the future holds for her or her family, but right here in this moment, she knows that her words are true; that she is truly okay with Olivia by her side and the physical comfort and support that they are giving one another is enough to keep her going, even though they haven't really talked about anything.

No progress has been made with either of their issues; Amanda still doesn't know what she wants to do about the baby and Olivia hasn't elaborated on what she had hinted at in their conversation earlier in the week, but for now none of that matters. She doesn't have to make a decision right this second and Olivia doesn't have to talk about something that she is obviously not ready to discuss, so Amanda simply concentrates on lending the older woman her strength and taking some in return, soaking up the tenderness and understanding that they so readily provide for each other.

"Thank you for doing this, Olivia," she whispers into the lieutenant's ear, breathing a sigh of contentment as her heavy eyelids droop shut again and she cuddles impossibly closer to the woman who has become so much more to her than just a boss, so grateful for this special connection that she can't imagine having with anyone else.


	2. Episode 20x03

**Just a reminder that each of these drabbles will be unrelated to the others in certain ways, as I want to make them their own separate little stories, although Amanda's pregnancy will be a running theme throughout this series. I want to keep the plotline of the episodes the same, but I would like the relationship of Liv and Amanda to be different in each chapter – sometimes they are close friends (like they were in the previous chapter), sometimes there will be romance between them, and sometimes they won't get along. I want to keep switching it up each time and adding my own details to make it a bit more challenging for me to write.**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x03 ("Zero Tolerance")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

As Olivia slowly makes her way up the steps of the precinct, she is chilled to the bone, both by the cool autumn air and what she has just witnessed at the facility where Gabriella and her mother were finally reunited, feeling broken in a way that she hasn't been for a very long time. She can't get those children out of the mind, so many of them locked up like criminals in cages, and her thoughts are whirling with a frantic sadness, heartbroken that for every child they manage to save, there are hundreds more that they can't.

She is so lost inside her own head that she almost bumps into one of her detectives standing near the door, Amanda mumbling an apology and flashing Olivia a guilty look that she doesn't understand until her gaze travels down the younger woman's arm and she sees the unlit cigarette dangling between two trembling fingertips. She arches an eyebrow at the blonde but doesn't say a word in response, swallowing back the reprimand that springs forth on her tongue and reminding herself that how Amanda chooses to conduct her own life and the life of her unborn child is absolutely none of her business.

"I wasn't going to smoke it," Amanda blurts out in an agitated fashion, flicking the cigarette to the ground and grinding it beneath the toe of one of her shoes. "I wouldn't do that, or at least not while I'm pregnant. It's just...sometimes I just like to hold onto it. It makes me feel better, more grounded, for some reason."

Olivia simply nods in reply, not trusting herself to speak quite yet as her throat has been clogged with tears since walking through the throng of kids hanging desperately off the chain-link fences and knowing that she had to leave them behind so she could return to work. She inhales a quick, cleansing breath, forcing herself to calm down, but her voice comes out more sharply than she had intended when she is finally able to utter a couple of sentences, chastising herself for taking her frustrations out on Amanda like she so often seems to do.

"If you weren't going to smoke it, what are you doing out here, then?" she challenges in a snippy tone, crossing her arms over her chest and fixing Amanda with a narrowed gaze. "You can just as easily hold onto an unlit cigarette inside while you get your work done in the squad room. It's not like we're lacking in things to do here, Rollins. We don't have a lot of time for breaks right now."

"I wasn't inside," Amanda murmurs as that guilty expression crosses her delicate features once again. "I was just coming back from running a personal errand, but don't worry, it didn't take very long."

"And this particular errand had to be done right this second? It couldn't wait until you were finished your shift for the day?" Olivia suppresses the urge to roll her eyes at Amanda's predictable behavior, unable to stop feeling irritated at the younger woman's constant habit of doing whatever she damn well pleases whenever she is at the precinct, despite the compassion she feels for Amanda's current situation and how much closer they have grown over the past year.

"Yeah, it had to be done," Amanda replies softly but firmly, Olivia tilting her head at the sudden fierce strength that she sees burning in those bright blue eyes; something she hasn't seen for awhile now, as Amanda seems to have been drowning in her own private turmoil over these past few weeks.

"Is everything okay?" she asks tentatively, unsure of whether or not to delve deeper into the personal issues they had discussed several days before and wondering with a hint of dread where Amanda has just been.

"As okay as it can be," the other woman answers with a shrug and a wave of her hand, effectively cutting off this line of discussion with her next questions. "What about you, Liv? Are you okay? Please don't take offense to this, but I feel like I need to state the obvious here and tell you that you look like you're about to burst into tears."

Olivia's throat tightens even further at Amanda's correct observation and the tender hand that is placed on her arm, and she has to bite down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep the rapidly welling tears at bay. "No, I'm not okay," she whispers honestly as her voice is reduced to a hoarse croak, closing her eyes against the salty liquid that burns against her lashes and begs to be released. "What I just had to do...it was so hard. Leaving all of those kids behind and not knowing what's going to happen to them..."

"Well, Gabriella is with her mother again, so at least that's one piece of good news," Amanda points out softly, Olivia feeling slender fingers tighten around her arm. "It's the best news I've heard in a long time."

"Yeah, that particular case had the best possible outcome," Olivia acknowledges in a somewhat choked tone, her watery orbs trained on the small, pale hand that is resting on her arm and knowing that if she looks up and meets Amanda's sympathetic gaze, she might break. "But I just wish we could have done more. I wanted to save them all. There are just so many kids..."

She trails off and pulls away from the younger woman's gentle touch to put a hand over her face, fingers probing at the damp crease where her eyelids meet as they squeeze shut against the tears that are threatening to start streaming down her cheeks.

"I know, Liv," Amanda replies quietly, Olivia feeling those soothing fingers grazing lightly up and down her back now. "I know Gabriella's situation is just the tip of the iceberg and there's so much more that needs to be done, but we did our jobs and we did them well. You did absolutely everything you could and you never gave up, and it paid off in the end. We can't save everyone but we _were_ able to save her, as well as those other girls being held by Luke."

Olivia nods without speaking, her throat too clogged with tears to even open her mouth, the hand on her back coming to a halt as Amanda slides an arm down to her hip and pulls her in close for a brief moment, lips hovering by Olivia's ear as she glances around as if be sure that no one else is paying attention.

"Would you like to hear some more good news?"

Olivia nods at the softly spoken voice of her detective, her curiosity piqued at this question as she locks eyes with Amanda and can't help feeling a trace of disappointment when the smaller woman lets her arm fall away from her hip, the comforting touch disappearing as a group of police officers burst through the front doors.

Amanda immediately clams up at all the commotion surrounding them, the cops jostling one another playfully as they troop down the steps, and Olivia nudges the younger woman's shoulder with her own, inclining her head to the side when Amanda meets her gaze, an indication that they should go somewhere more private to talk. Amanda gives her a nod in return and they walk around the side of the building together, the area still bustling with traffic and pedestrians, but managing to put a bit of space between themselves and their fellow officers.

When they have come to a halt and are standing face to face in the chilly fall air, the breeze ruffling both brown and blonde hair around their heads, Olivia gestures for Amanda to keep talking, eager to hear something, anything at all, that radiates even a small amount of hope.

"I've decided to have the baby," Amanda confides in a low tone, Olivia watching as her hands drift down to her protruding belly and hover there. "I just told the father what my decision was. That was why I needed to step out for a little while. It was just something that couldn't wait. I had to do it now."

"That's great, Amanda, I'm so happy to hear that," Olivia enthuses with a wide smile, regretful for immediately leaping to annoyance at the other woman's absence from work and vowing to be more patient and understanding in the future. "But I hope you know that I would have supported you either way."

"I know that, Liv," Amanda says with a faint smile of her own. "Thank you so much. I appreciate the support, which is more than I've gotten from the father. He was pushing for me to...get rid of it. There didn't even seem to be another option for him. But I don't want that to be a consideration anymore. So I told him that I don't need anything from him and that I can do this on my own."

"You're not on your own, Amanda," Olivia assures her softly, reaching over to gently tangle their fingers together. "You have me and Fin and Carisi to help you. And Noah and I are available for playdates whenever you want. He'll be thrilled to hear that he's going to have another little buddy to have fun with soon."

They stand there on the sidewalk and grin at each other with their fingers still linked, the trauma and heartbreak of the recent case and everything that has transpired in their personal lives falling away for a moment, and allowing a brief ray of light to shine through the dark. Olivia knows that Amanda has been very upset and conflicted about things lately, her unborn child and Gabriella weighing heavily on mind, as well as thoughts of Esther Labott resurfacing, and that between the two of them, they are a mess of strong emotions and raw nerve endings, as she herself deals with some distressing private issues.

"I need to go home and hug Noah," Olivia says suddenly, wanting nothing more than to put her arms around her son and hold him close after what she had seen earlier, unsure if she will ever be able to shake the images of those children with the blank stares, already beaten down by life at such a tender age after being ripped away from their families.

"I need to do the same with Jesse," Amanda replies quietly, her hand coming up to rest on her stomach again and tears shimmering in those big blue eyes as her smile fades. "God, this case was hell, wasn't it?" There is a short pause and the other woman's voice is strained with emotion when she continues speaking. "Life in general is just hell right now."

"I know it is," Olivia whispers with a soft vehemence, surprised by the sudden urge to put her arms around Amanda and pull the hurting woman close to soothe both of their pain, but refraining from doing so at their place of work and choosing to make a suggestion instead. "Why don't the two of you join us for dinner tonight? Noah and I would love to have the company. He's always asking when he's going to see Jesse again so they can play together."

"Sure, Liv, that would be great." Amanda's voice is tight and it's obvious that she's making the same effort that Olivia had to remain calm and professional while they are at the precinct, and Olivia figures they are in for an emotional evening once they are free from work. "I'm sure Jesse will be very excited to spend some time with Noah."

"Alright, it's a dinner date, then," Olivia announces brightly, her tone brimming with a cheer that she doesn't quite feel, but determined to begin lifting both Amanda and herself out of the darkness that has enveloped them lately.

"I'm thinking this dinner date will be better than my last one," Amanda chuckles ruefully, waving a hand when Olivia gives her a questioning look, and muttering that they will discuss it more later when they are out of earshot of any colleagues who might be nearby.

As they start walking back to the doors of the precinct, their shoulders touching and their hands occasionally brushing against one another, Olivia feels a bit lighter with each step she takes, her thoughts still focused on Gabriella and the other children who have yet to be reunited with their parents, but taking immense comfort from the presence of her detective and looking forward to their evening together.

xxxxxxxxxx

 **A/N : I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter, so I'm writing another drabble for "Zero Tolerance" because I had multiple ideas and wasn't sure which one to go with. The episode was very emotional and there were many different directions I could have taken for this chapter, so I wanted to explore another idea. Drabble #2 for this episode is already in the works and will be posted very soon! :)  
**


	3. Episode 20x03 Take 2

**I wasn't entirely satisfied with the previous drabble that I posted for "Zero Tolerance" because I thought it could have been more emotional, so I decided to write another one. This chapter has no connection to the previous one; they're just two different takes on the same episode.**

 **Also, I will try to switch up the genres of the chapters as I go along, so they're not always exactly the same.**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x03 ("Zero Tolerance") Take 2  
**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/angst**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

They are stuck inside her head and she can't get them out; the faces of every single child she had seen in that detention center permanently tattooed on Olivia's brain, the joy and relief at reuniting Gabriella with her mother diluted in the face of such immense and prolonged suffering by those so young and helpless.

She doesn't utter a word to anyone as she climbs the steps to the precinct and heads into the elevator, keeping her gaze straight ahead and determined not to make eye contact with a single person for fear of breaking down if she so much as glances at a sympathetic face. All Olivia wants to do is go home to Noah and grab him in a bear hug and never let go, but there is still work to be done and she must do everything she can to make it through the remainder of the day without crumbling into a heap of despair.

Her sergeant and detectives are all working diligently at their desks when she enters the squad room, heads bent low and eyes fixed intently on their computer screens, and she breathes a sigh of relief when she slips past them unnoticed and strides quickly into her office. She can feel them coming; the tears that she has tried so hard to suppress rising to the surface to pool in her eyes and she blinks them away impatiently, swallowing hard against the rough sob that is pushing upwards in her throat, insistent on bursting forth from her lips and drawing unwanted attention to herself.

Olivia puts a hand over her mouth to quell any sound that might try to escape, her eyes squeezing tightly shut to hold in the impending tears and gasping in surprise at the sudden knock on her door. Her eyelids fly open when she spots Amanda coming into the room without even waiting for a response from her boss, Olivia frantically smoothing her features into a blank mask and trying to compose herself to the point that she is no longer shaking.

It is immediately apparent that she hasn't done an adequate job when Amanda stops short in her tracks and fixes Olivia with a concerned gaze, a waterfall of blonde hair falling over one shoulder as she tilts her head and they regard each other intently. A frown is marring the younger woman's delicate features as she takes a tentative step forward and lays both hands flat on the desk, bending over so they are eye to eye with one another.

"I'm guessing I should have waited for an answer after I knocked," is the only thing that comes out of Amanda's mouth, Olivia rolling her eyes in return and a hint of amusement peeking out through the emotional turmoil.

"You never have before so why start now?" she shoots back in an attempt at a lighthearted answer, but winces internally when her voice shudders and betrays her. "Can I do something for you, Rollins?"

"It must have been very hard to do what you just did," Amanda acknowledges softly, completely ignoring the question Olivia has just asked. "I can't imagine what it must have been like to see so many kids in those kinds of conditions."

"Gabriella and her mother were reunited, so that's the most important thing," Olivia says with what she hopes sounds like confidence, but again the tremor in her tone gives her away.

"It is very important," Amanda agrees quietly, sliding her hand across the top of the desk so their fingertips are just barely grazing each other, Olivia oddly touched by this small, kind gesture from a woman who is not big on physical affection, and she finds herself blinking away tears once more.

"But I know there were a lot of other kids who won't be reunited with their parents for a very long time, or maybe they never will," Amanda continues gently, her other hand drifting to her slightly protruding belly and rubbing circles there as she speaks, as if the action is so ingrained that it just comes naturally to her now.

Olivia nods mutely, her lips clamping shut before a sob can escape, unable to verbally reply for fear of another sound coming out instead; a long, agonizing wail of horror and defeat for the children that she cannot save. The fingers that are scarcely touching her own push a little bit harder until Amanda's entire palm is slipping over her hand and lying flat against her clammy skin, the other woman's skin a warm balm that guards against the chill she cannot seem to shake.

Olivia realizes that she is shivering very hard now, unsure if the movement is due to being out in the cool autumn air or if it's from the heartbreaking images that won't stop cycling through her head, and she can hear the chattering of her own teeth, her jaw stiff and painful with the repeated action. She stares uncomprehendingly at Amanda when she sees the younger woman's lips moving, a frown that matches the one her detective is wearing pulling her own eyebrows together as she tries to make out what Amanda is saying.

"Maybe you need to go home, Liv." She finally recognizes the words that are coming out of Amanda's mouth and shakes her head in dissent, a scathing retort right on the tip of her tongue when the blonde surprises her by swiftly rounding the desk and turning her chair around.

"What the hell are you doing?" Olivia manages to utter, dark eyebrows raising when the detective kneels down on the floor in front of her, pale hands clutching onto the armrests to balance herself as she rocks back on her heels and steely blue eyes stare upwards.

"You don't look well," Amanda replies sternly, her thumbs stroking in pleasant patterns along Olivia's forearms that are resting next to her hands. "You look like you're about to pass out. You're as white as a ghost and you're shaking like crazy; you're sweating and freezing at the same time."

"I don't need to go home," Olivia scoffs in irritation, blinking as a wave of dizziness overtakes her. "I'm probably just coming down with a cold or something. I'll be fine."

"You're not getting sick, but you're not fine either, Liv." Amanda's voice is firm and insistent when she speaks, the smaller woman rising up on her knees so they are gazing at each other face to face again. "I think this whole case is hitting you really hard and you need to go easy on yourself right now. Just give yourself a break, okay?"

"I'm _not_ going home, Amanda," Olivia snaps in response, trying to sound authoritative but her voice cracking and coming out in a high-pitched whine instead, like she is actually complaining about having to take care of herself. "We have far too much work to finish here. I'm too busy to leave right now."

"Then at least go lie down on the couch," Amanda persists as her hands grip onto Olivia's arms with a strength that has her wincing again. "Seriously, Liv, you look like you're about to fall flat on the floor. You're scaring me."

Olivia inhales a shuddering breath as she tries to calm the tremors that seem to have taken over her entire body, nodding in agreement at Amanda's order and shifting forward on the chair with the intention of getting to her feet and walking over to the couch. Her limbs seem to have other ideas, though, and she slips while trying to stand up, horrified when she goes sprawling clumsily into her detective's lap instead.

"Jesus, are you alright?!" Amanda gasps out breathlessly as Olivia feels slim but strong arms winding their way around her back in an effort to hold her up, but rather than doing everything she can to pull away and struggle into a standing position, she crumples limply into the blonde's embrace, a low keening making its way out from between her clenched teeth.

Her face is instantly awash in the tears that she has so desperately been trying to hold back, burying her face in Amanda's soft golden locks and sniffling hard as she works to get herself under control. "I'm sorry," she whimpers in mortification, the act of merely forming words seeming like too difficult of a task right now. "I'll get up. I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not hurting me at all," Amanda murmurs back, Olivia feeling the other woman's arms tightening around her and holding her in place when she tries to pull away. "Just take all the time you need."

"But you're pregnant," Olivia protests meekly, her limbs turning to jelly as the tears continue to flow in a waterfall of emotion over her cheeks and the images of those children play in an unending loop inside her head.

"Exactly," Amanda states with what sounds like both annoyance and mirth. "I'm just pregnant, Liv. I'm not injured or ill. I'm not going to fall apart because you need someone to hold you up. You're fine right where you are and you're not hurting me, I promise. I'm not going to break. Just relax for a minute, okay?"

"A lieutenant shouldn't be sitting on her detective's lap on her office floor," Olivia mutters as a dark red blush of embarrassment colors her cheeks and her heart begins to pound at the odd and intimate position they are in. "It's beyond inappropriate."

"Well, it's better than you taking a header onto the hard tiles because you passed out before you could make it over to the couch," Amanda argues lightly, Olivia feeling her head being pressed tenderly into a slim shoulder and a smooth hand petting over her hair. "Just take it easy, alright? It's just you and me in here. And no one else can see us because we're behind the desk."

"That's even worse," Olivia groans out in frustration as she chokes back another series of sobs, not wanting anyone to get the wrong idea. "If someone saw you come in here and then they don't see either one of us...

"Then we could have gone into the interrogation room for some reason," Amanda assures her in a softer tone, a slight rocking motion starting up and Olivia's sore eyelids drifting shut with the movement. "And if someone does happen to come in and see us sitting here like this, who the hell cares?"

" _I_ care," Olivia disputes weakly, although the urge to fight is quickly draining from her system, her tired body slumping more heavily against Amanda as the tears continue to leak from her closed eyes. "A lieutenant isn't supposed to be bawling on the ground like a child."

"Will you just stop with all of this talk about what a lieutenant shouldn't be doing and let yourself go for a minute without caring what anyone else thinks?" Amanda chastises gently, her fingers lightly massaging the nape of Olivia's neck as she cries. "You're a human being, Liv. You don't have to be in perfect control or well behaved all the time. When I walked in here, you looked absolutely devastated. This case has been terrible and it's taken a toll on all of us, and the place you went today was the equivalent of hell, I'm sure. Just take a minute and let it all out, honey, please."

Olivia softens completely at this plea, sagging entirely into Amanda's body until the two of them have practically merged into one figure, sobbing as quietly as she can into the smaller woman's shoulder while Amanda continues to rock her soothingly. She does what Amanda had suggested and fully lets loose with her grief; raging at the unfairness and inhumanity of it all, that the youngest members of society are the ones who have to suffer the most for something they didn't do.

Amanda simply holds her through the breakdown, Olivia sure that she can hear very quiet whimpers emitting from the detective's lips from time to time, and she knows how much this case has impacted her detective as well, especially while she is dealing with an unexpected pregnancy and trying to make an extremely difficult decision about what to do. Amanda had greatly impressed her as she had dealt so compassionately and delicately with Gabriella, even going so far as to offer to take the little girl home with her, Olivia's heart breaking even further as she recalls the look of anguish on Amanda's face when she had to say no.

This case has been horrific for the entire squad and she knows that it will take some time to get over what has happened, her arms tightening around Amanda's small frame to impart some of her own comfort to the woman who is so patiently tending to her needs while she shatters to pieces. Despite her extreme embarrassment with the situation, Olivia is thankful that her detective had walked into the office at just the right time, and privately admits that she would rather have Amanda in here with her than any other member of their team.

For several minutes they simply hold onto each other and cry quietly, any lingering embarrassment falling away as Olivia allows herself to take solace in someone who is becoming more important to her as the years pass; a woman she has grown closer to bit by bit over time, relishing in the comfort that Amanda is providing. She strokes the detective's hair in return as they rock slowly in one another's arms, eager to soothe Amanda as well, and wishing she could take away the pain and uncertainty that the blonde has been entrenched in lately.

Olivia is so lost in the hypnotizing motion and the other woman's tender touches, that she startles violently when her cell phones begins ringing shrilly on the desk above them, flinching on Amanda's lap and sliding to the ground while shooting her a sheepish look. She sees Lucy's name on the screen as she struggles to her feet and figures Noah has just gotten home from school and wants to share his day with her, smoothing her fingers across her cheeks and under her eyes to rid herself of any remaining tears.

"Hello?" Olivia says into the phone, her heart bursting with joy when Noah answers instead of Lucy, the little boy brimming with enthusiasm as he immediately launches into an account of his day at school and Amanda stands up beside her.

The combination of her son's cheerful voice and her detective's warm hand resting on her back has the tears drying on her cheeks and a tinge of optimism settling in her chest; the knowledge that although this world can be a terrible, unjust place, there is still room for happiness and hope.

"Thank you," Olivia mouths to Amanda, chuckling as Noah rambles on about his day, pausing in his running monologue just long enough to gulp in a deep breath and ask what they're having for dinner that night.

Amanda smiles softly in return and gives her a brief nod before slipping out of the office to rejoin Fin and Carisi in the squad room, Olivia watching her go and a smile of her own touching her lips.


	4. Episode 20x05

**I've gotten behind on my drabbles and other stories because the last couple of months have been so busy, but I'm trying to catch up now that things are starting to settle down again.**

 **I've been trying to write a drabble for the 4th episode "Revenge" but it's just not coming together, as that episode as well as "Exile" didn't inspire a lot of ideas. Going forward, I've decided that not every episode will get a drabble, but some of them might get two or three, depending on my inspiration level. I might do another chapter for "Accredo" along with a one-shot, because that episode is one of my favorites so far and was very Amanda-centric.**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x05 ("Accredo")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/angst**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

The inside of the vehicle is very quiet on the way back from Westchester, a light rain splattering the windshield as Olivia drives and Amanda's face turned toward the window on the passenger side, the younger woman sighing softly. Arlo Beck is back in police custody and although Olivia is satisfied and relieved with this outcome, she is a mess of conflicting emotions when it concerns the detective sitting next to her.

She can admit to herself that she doesn't quite know how to handle Amanda and that maybe she never has; Olivia's feelings for the feisty blonde all over the place and at a loss on exactly what to do about them. She feels confused and somewhat helpless in the face of the intense anger and bad behavior that Amanda has been displaying lately, and wonders if she should have suspended her as punishment. There is also a strong urge to dig deeper and get to the root of these issues; to push Amanda to keep opening up about a childhood that is rarely spoken of and continue to show her support by listening and being compassionate instead of just using discipline.

Olivia throws a glance at the other woman and notices Amanda's hands resting on her protruding stomach, fingers rubbing absent circles into the fabric of her shirt, and although she had told the truth about being happy for her detective, there is a disturbing jealously that is intertwined with the joy. It is not an emotion she is used to having and is something that leaves her feeling vaguely ashamed of herself, Olivia's thoughts wandering as she wonders what kind of a person this doctor is and how Amanda had become involved with him.

Her heart aches when she recalls the comments Amanda had made on the subject of love, and has to admit that she doesn't know much about it either; that although Noah has taught her how to love more deeply than she ever knew was possible, she is an utter failure in the romantic sense. There is a disconcerting hint of relief peeking through the sorrow, however; a certain satisfaction that Amanda is not in love with this man, and Olivia doesn't dare examine these feelings too closely, afraid of what they might mean.

There are so many complex emotions swirling around inside her head that she is no longer paying complete attention to the road, Olivia suddenly slamming on the breaks in a panic to avoid hitting the car in front of them, and her arm shooting out to shield Amanda from any potential harm.

"Geez, Liv, are you okay?" the younger woman gasps out in surprise as they both spring forward in their seats and then jolt back again. "What the hell was that?"

"The road's slippery from the rain," Olivia mutters guiltily, chastising herself for letting her concentration drift away from where it's supposed to be. "Sorry about that." She pauses briefly and clears her throat, unable to hold in her concern anymore and searching for a place to safely pull over. "Look, Amanda, we need to talk."

"About what?" Amanda's voice is wary and unwelcoming, like she has an inkling of where this conversation is going and is uninterested in taking it any further. "Didn't we just talk before we got in the car?"

"This isn't about you going on desk duty," Olivia says gently, maneuvering the SUV off of the main road and pulling into an abandoned parking lot. "I want to discuss what happened in the interrogation room."

"Didn't we already talk about that too?" There is a trace of alarm evident beneath the wariness, Amanda's eyes darting from side to side as they come to a stop, as if the blonde is contemplating a possible escape. "You told me that my behavior was unacceptable."

"Yes, it was," Olivia replies quietly, laying a hand on Amanda's forearm and trying to calm any anxiety that she might be feeling about this particular topic. "And quite frankly, I think I should have punished you for it instead of just reprimanding you. But I appreciated you being so open about your past with me and trying to give me some insight into why things are the way they are."

"Why things are the way they are?" Amanda echoes with a tilt of her head and a puckered brow, long blonde ponytail falling over one shoulder as they regard each other intently. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I think we have a problem here," Olivia explains softly, keeping her hand on Amanda's arm and feeling a slight tremble underneath her touch. "I've been noticing a pattern of behavior with you over the past several months that has me worried. Your increasing aggression with both perpetrators and victims alike is cause for concern, and I think something needs to be done about it."

"Like what?" Amanda murmurs almost inaudibly after several seconds of silence, Olivia flinching when the detective yanks her arm away and instantly missing the physical connection.

"Well, for starters, I think it would help if you talked more about what happened when you were growing up," she answers kindly, not wanting Amanda to think this is some sort of personal attack and retreat into her usual shell.

"Are you moonlighting as a therapist now, Liv?" the younger woman scowls in return, crossing her arms over her chest as a mixture of annoyance and trepidation plays out across her face. "You're not busy enough as a lieutenant? I think we've already established that my childhood was fucked up and I bear the scars from being raised by a drunken, gambling-addicted father who did nothing but beat us up, and a mother who didn't know how to fight back or have enough sense to take her kids out of that situation."

Olivia is quiet for a moment as she digests the information that Amanda has just shared, observing the stricken expression on her detective's face when Amanda seems to come to the realization that she has said too much. They gaze at one another without speaking, Olivia's heart clenching as she watches Amanda's delicate features twist with emotion and those big blue eyes well up with tears, the smaller woman blinking rapidly to keep them at bay.

"He hurt you and your sister too?" she finally whispers, Amanda giving a tiny nod of affirmation and an offhanded shrug in return, like she is about to downplay the events of her past in order to avoid a breakdown. "I'm so sorry, honey."

"It just makes me so angry when people do stuff like that," Amanda chokes out in a strangled tone that Olivia can barely comprehend, leaning her body to the side so she can close the gap between them and hear her better. "When a person chooses to hurt someone else, either directly or indirectly, whether it be physically, emotionally, or..."

Her voice trails off and she turns her head toward the window with a sniffle and a hunch of her shoulders, Olivia reaching out to lay a tentative hand on her back. She can feel how hard the other woman is shaking and seeks to soothe her, running smooth fingertips around Amanda's trench coat before stroking her hand over golden hair that is still damp from the rain.

"Sometimes I just get so sick of the people we have to deal with on a daily basis," the younger woman continues, her words somewhat muffled as she rests her forehead against the window. "They remind me of everyone from my childhood, either making the choice to hurt someone smaller, weaker, more vulnerable than themselves...or turning a blind eye to those who do."

"I get it," Olivia assures her softly, the rain splattering harder against the windshield now and the sky growing blacker, creating a dark cocoon of tension and sadness inside the vehicle. "I understand that urge to take your anger out on the people who hurt others; the perpetrators who beat and rape and kill, as well as the ones who choose to help them or stand by passively while they do terrible things. I've been in your position before, where I haven't been able to control that rage bubbling inside and it needs to come out. But this isn't okay, Amanda. When we allow our anger to get the best of us, we're no better than the perps sitting on the opposite side of the table in the interrogation room. We need to get you some help for this."

"I don't need help," she hears Amanda mumble, the blonde's face still turned away and a note of defensiveness creeping into her tone. "I know I've been out of line a few times over the past while, but I can stop, Liv. I can control myself, I can do better. I _will_ do better, I swear."

"Amanda, I know you're not a big fan of therapy and it's hard for you to open up about a lot of things, but this isn't just about your escalating aggression," Olivia points out gently, wishing the other woman would stop hiding from her and scratching her nails softly against Amanda's back in an effort to re-establish eye contact. "It's about dealing with events from your past that have never been dealt with. The pain that you're constantly pushing down is starting to trickle out in unacceptable ways and it's only going to get worse if you don't confront it head-on."

She huffs out a disconcerted sigh when Amanda keeps her face averted, the younger woman shifting as far over on the seat as she can get without actually opening the door and fleeing the SUV, burying herself against the window. The softest of whimpers pierces the air and Olivia feels like her heart is being torn to shreds, emotion contorting her tired features and tears springing to her eyes, both hands resting on Amanda's back now as she tries yet again to get her to turn around.

She longs to wrap her arms around Amanda's waist and pull the smaller figure into her embrace; to assure her that she is not alone in dealing with her demons and raising her children, a confession hovering on the tip of her tongue that Olivia has to swallow before it is spoken aloud and she can never take it back. Her feelings for Amanda, which have never been solely of the co-worker or friendship variety, are clawing their way to the surface yet again and begging to be released, and Olivia can't think of a less appropriate time to let them loose.

Her subordinate is sitting there vulnerable and broken beside her, and the last thing she needs is an admission of deeper feelings, or dare she say it, _love_ , from a boss who is supposed to be supporting and protecting her instead of spilling her deepest, most guarded secrets. Olivia doesn't often allow her mind to drift toward the future when it comes to a possible romance with Amanda; to entertain the thought of two more children, a dog, and the world's most stubborn detective sharing a home with her and Noah, but she can't seem to help the images that invade her mind at the most unsuitable of times.

She scrubs her hands over her face in frustration with both herself and the trembling woman slumped next to her, a tight knot of emotion coiled right in the center of her chest, and blinking back another round of empathetic tears when she hears Amanda crying quietly. Olivia fixes her watery gaze on the shuddering form curled into the door, Amanda's arms locked around her swollen belly as she weeps softly, and decides that she can no longer just sit there and simply observe the other woman's anguish without providing more comfort.

She fumbles with the handle on her door and yanks it open with a grunt, ignoring the way the pelting raindrops swiftly plaster her hair to her head as she rushes around the front of the vehicle. The passenger door falls open before Olivia has even reached the other side, and for a split second she is convinced that Amanda is going to skirt around her and make a mad dash into the rain, a relieved sigh emitting from her lips when the younger woman merely gazes at her with a crumpled expression and doesn't move.

For a moment they simply stare at each other without speaking, a lump rising in Olivia's throat as she watches tear after tear slide down Amanda's cheeks, and slowly holds her arms out in invitation. Amanda lets out a loud sob and instantly covers her mouth with her hand but doesn't turn away this time, Olivia's arms closing around her when the smaller woman leans hesitantly into her chest, warm breath puffing against the damp skin of her neck.

She grasps onto Amanda's body like she is a delicate piece of china that is in danger of breaking, tightening her hold by degrees as the detective melts bit by bit into her taller frame until she is leaning so heavily into Olivia that it is a struggle to remain upright. She is overcome with a fierce wave of protectiveness; a desire to shield Amanda from any further pain and a fervent wish to take away the horrific memories of her past and replace them with better ones.

"How can someone hurt their own children, Liv?" The sudden sound of Amanda's voice, ragged and tormented and lost, startles Olivia and wrenches her from the imagined scenes of a more peaceful and loving life for her detective; a life that includes herself.

"I don't know, sweetheart," she murmurs mournfully into the crown of Amanda's bent blonde head, the thought of laying a finger on Noah in a fit of rage sickening her to the very core of her being. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

Olivia tries to keep from mentally cataloguing the sheer amount of hell that Amanda has been through in the span of less than four decades, and has to push down a sob of her own when she is reminded that there is still so much she doesn't know; so many things that Amanda hasn't spoken about yet. She tightens her hold around the quivering form in her arms and presses a light kiss to wisps of golden blonde hair that have come loose from the smaller woman's ponytail, her heart swelling when she feels Amanda returning the gesture and cuddling impossibly closer to her.

She knows they must look like quite a sight, their SUV parked haphazardly in the middle of the gravelly lot, the doors on both the driver and passenger side flung open and Olivia's body hanging partly out of the vehicle as they embrace each other in the pouring rain and cry. She is in no hurry to leave, however, and just wants Amanda to feel comforted and sheltered before returning to the precinct, unwilling to relinquish her hold on the younger woman quite yet.

There is still so much to discuss; the trauma from Amanda's past and Olivia's unspoken feelings hovering over them like the heavy clouds in the sky, and she is well aware that time is of the essence here and that Amanda needs to get some help as soon as possible. For now, though, right in this moment, just having Amanda safe in her arms is enough and Olivia relishes in the tender physical contact between them, resolving not to let go until Amanda is ready to pull away and continue their journey back to Manhattan.


	5. Episode 20x05 Take 2

**I posted this chapter a couple of days ago and then decided to take it down, so that's why there was some confusion about this story being updated when a new chapter wasn't showing up.**

 **I want to mention that just because I write about a certain topic, it doesn't mean that those are my personal views (example: that violence is hereditary). I'm trying to put myself inside a character's head and in their shoes, and imagine what I would be worried about and how I would react if I had their life. I think part of being a writer is having the ability to write from a perspective that's not your own. If I only write about topics based on my own life experiences and personal beliefs, I think that would be very limiting and get pretty boring.  
**

 **I'm going to put a trigger warning on this because it mentions physical violence and Amanda's thoughts of turning out to be just like her father. I understand that this is a sensitive subject and I don't want to offend or upset anyone, so if you think this chapter might trigger or bother you, please don't read any further.  
**

 **I won't be posting a drabble for "Exile" but I'm working on one for "Caretaker" so hopefully I'll have that done within the next few days.  
**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x05 ("Accredo") Take 2  
**

 **Genre : Angst/hurt/comfort**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

Sometimes Amanda wonders if she is exactly like her father.

She worries that the monster living deep inside of him is dwelling inside her too; that it is a horrific defect in the genes that can be passed down from generation to generation, a tangled web of violence and distruction that never ends.

Amanda has been painfully aware of her escalating aggression over the past several months; the rage that seems to simmer just below the surface of every confrontation she has with a suspect desperate to find a way to come out and making an appearance more and more often as time passes by.

On days like this, it is particularly bad; the notion of taking after her father haunting her every thought and eating away at Amanda like a cancer, gnawing on each bone in her body until the horror and the heaviness of it all is literally weighing her down and pressing her into the ground. She has tried to find other ways to release it over the years; drinking, smoking, gambling, sex, but now that she has Jesse and is pregnant again, she is making more of an effort to curb her bad habits and find some healthier options instead.

Gazing down at her large belly, Amanda is faintly amused at how well that plan had turned out; that this is what had come from trying to stop using sex as a distraction method and seeking a cure for her crushing loneliness from such toxic men. Sometimes she wonders why she even bothers to try when all roads seem to lead to the same place and she does nothing but screw up; raising another child on her own and struggling to make it through her days without succumbing to the sometimes all-consuming temptations of a casino or a bar.

Amanda has slipped up and stumbled so many times over the years, returning again and again to the activities she knows are bad for her, but that pressing need to obliterate every single dark thought in her head rarely seems to abate. Although she can't imagine ever laying a finger on her children in anger and would never do anything to deliberately hurt them, she can't say the same for certain people that she has come across in her daily interactions.

She had screwed up yet again in the interrogation room today and despite how good it had felt good to take her frustration and rage out on their suspect, Amanda can't help but wonder just how many more chances she is going to get before being fired. She is well aware that she is treading on some very thin ice and has to watch herself; needs to exercise some control over her thoughts and actions before it's too late and she is dismissed from a job that means everything to her.

"Amanda, why are you sitting on the floor?"

She is jerked swiftly from her unpleasant ruminations by Olivia's voice, the older woman sounding both alarmed and concerned as the lieutenant joins her in the bathroom, the place Amanda has chosen to hide out for a few minutes.

"Because there was nowhere else to sit," she responds with a shrug, not wanting to admit that after her confrontation with Gina Goodrich and the subsequent discussion with her boss about her childhood, she had been so overcome with emotion at the thought of turning out just like her father that it had brought her to her knees.

"Well, maybe you can try sitting at your desk instead," Olivia suggests gently as the brunette tilts her head and fixes her with a perplexed expression. "What are you doing in here, anyway? It can't be good for you to sit down there like that."

"I'm just escaping the squad room for a bit," Amanda explains lightly, not at all eager to let on just how anxious she is about their case and how much she hates disappointing Olivia with her unacceptable behavior.

She is still shocked that nothing more has come of what happened in the interrogation room and that so far Olivia has just left it at that; a simple reprimand but no actual punishment. The other woman is gazing down at her like she expects Amanda to keep talking, but she has no desire to delve deeper into her tumultuous youth, figuring she has already shared too much and unsure of what had come over her when she had chosen to open up to Olivia about her past.

Like everything else in her life, though, the current situation doesn't go according to plan and before she can stop herself, Amanda's mouth is falling open and the words are tumbling out. "Liv, do you think I'm a monster?"

Olivia appears quite startled by this question, her tense features smoothing into what looks to be compassion as she stands there for a moment without answering before lowering her body to the floor next to Amanda. She is surprised when the brunette sits down so closely beside her and stretches out her legs, feeling a rush of tenderness toward Olivia as their feet brush against each other, and suddenly wishing for those strong arms to be wrapped around her.

She is used to this particular feeling; the constant push and pull that Amanda has experienced in most interactions with Olivia since she had joined the squad several years ago becoming second nature to her over the course of their time working together. She never quite knows what she wants from the older woman whenever they are in one another's presence, especially when the circumstances are fraught with emotion; whether she longs to be in Olivia's safe embrace or run in the opposite direction to escape that penetrating dark gaze.

Amanda has always wanted the woman she idolizes to think of her as a tough and capable detective with no weaknesses or faults, but there is a tiny part of her that also yearns for more. There are times when she wishes Olivia would try harder to break down the thick walls she has built around herself for protection, and this feeling scares her almost as much as the worry that she is exactly like her father. Amanda had learned from a very young age not to depend on anyone but herself, and the thought of leaning on Olivia during the hard times both frightens and comforts her.

"No, of course I don't think you're a monster, Amanda." Olivia's voice once again interrupts the non-stop whirling of her brain and jolts her back to the situation at hand, a tingle running down her spine when she feels the soft fingertips of her boss grazing the sleeve of her shirt. "Why are you asking me that?"

"You know why," Amanda mumbles as she catches Olivia's eye and blushes at the amount of scrutiny she sees there, like the older woman is trying to peer right into her soul for an answer. "I know I was out of line earlier today."

"Yes, you definitely were," Olivia agrees in a low tone, and this time her fingers brush soothingly against the bare skin of Amanda's hand. "But I don't think that makes you a monster. It makes you a human being...one who is going through a lot right now and needs to seek some professional help before things get worse."

Amanda bites down on the inside of her cheek to keep from snapping back at her lieutenant at the dreaded suggestion of therapy; a topic that seems to creep up every so often in their conversations and one that never fails to set her nerves on edge. She turns her head away so Olivia can't see the roll of her eyes and takes a deep breath to calm her racing heart, both the personal discussion and the closeness of the brunette provoking some unwanted physical reactions.

Deep down, Amanda knows that therapy might be very beneficial to her but continues to shun the possibility of making an appointment every time Olivia brings it up, the need to handle things on her own so deeply ingrained after a lifetime of being let down by everyone else that she can't imagine taking a different approach. She swallows audibly at the notion of putting a voice to her deepest fear; that not only did she inherit her father's gambling addiction but also his penchant for violence, and that she might not be able to stop the next time someone commits a heinous crime against a vulnerable member of society or puts themselves into a position to be manipulated by those who do.

Amanda is blinded by a sudden wave of tears that she struggles to blink away before they can start sliding in a waterfall of emotion over her cheeks, and she drags a trembling arm across her face to rid herself of the offending liquid. Olivia is grasping onto her hand now and squeezing with a certain urgency, but Amanda keeps her face firmly averted as she inhales another shuddering breath.

"Hey, talk to me," she hears the older woman murmur beside her, feeling a slight bump against her shoulder as Olivia tries to get her attention. "Are _you_ worried that you're a monster, Amanda? Is that the real reason you're asking me that question and why you're curled up on the bathroom floor instead of sitting at your desk?"

A surge of panic grips Amanda around the throat and makes swallowing nearly impossible, invisible fingers of anxiety digging deep into her flesh when Olivia continues speaking, and she briefly wonders if the other woman can actually read her mind. "Are you afraid of turning into your father, honey?"

For a moment she can't get her jaw to work, her lips glued shut and her heart racing out of control, stunned that her boss has just voiced precisely what she has been thinking; the very thing that terrifies her the most. "How did you know?" she is finally able to choke out around a wheezing gasp for air, leaning into Olivia instead of pulling away when the taller woman slips an arm around her shoulders.

"Because I worry about the same thing," her lieutenant whispers, Amanda finally meeting Olivia's gaze and her heart aching at the matching tears that are glimmering in those dark orbs. "Whenever I've had too much to drink before bed or I start to think I'm enjoying my bottle of wine a little more than I should be, I wonder if I'm turning into my mother."

Amanda is shocked into silence again at this unexpected personal revelation from her boss, a woman who is just as adamant as she is about keeping most aspects of her life private. They have begun to share more with each other over the past year, however; slowly divulging bits and pieces of their pasts to one another, and Amanda feels privileged that Olivia has chosen to confide in her.

"You're not your mother, Liv," she assures her softly, praying that they won't be interrupted by someone needing to use the bathroom as they sit on the stained tiles together.

"And you're not your father," Olivia replies in a hushed but stern tone, Amanda feeling the older woman's arm tighten around her. "But I understand that particular fear, especially when we start acting in certain ways that remind us of how they used to behave. It's a scary thing, isn't it? But you're not a monster, Amanda. I think your conduct in the interrogation room needs a lot of improvement and it would benefit you to see a therapist, but you're about as far from a monster as you can get. You're a good person, sweetheart."

The tears spill over Amanda's cheeks now, wet pathways of anguish and uncertainty trailing along her flushed skin and dripping down onto her blouse, and she slumps further into Olivia's embrace when the taller woman turns toward her to gather her trembling body even closer. They hold onto each other tightly for several minutes as Amanda tries to get herself under control, the embarrassment and shame she is feeling for crying in her lieutenant's arms on the bathroom floor outweighed by a sense of relief and comfort.

She takes solace in Olivia's tender touches and relishes in the very thing she usually shuns, realizing just how much she has needed this; a physical connection with someone that isn't sex. Having her deepest fear thrust into the open so it can no longer dwell in the darkness of her mind and fester there, like a disease, makes it feel as if a giant weight has been lifted from her shoulders and Amanda sighs softly.

As grateful as she is for this rare moment of affection between them, she knows that they need to get off the floor and return to the squad room before someone comes into the room or Fin and Carisi start to wonder where they are. Amanda reluctantly begins pulling away from Olivia's warm body with the intention of getting to her feet, suddenly stopping short and letting out a ragged gasp of awe at the slight movement inside her belly.

"What?" Olivia demands as their gazes lock again, those wide brown eyes looking as alarmed as they did when the older woman had entered the bathroom to see Amanda sitting on the ground. "What is it? Are you in pain?"

"I just felt the baby kick for the first time," Amanda whispers in astonishment, no less fascinated and surprised than she had been upon feeling Jesse's tiny fluttering motions a few years prior.

"That's wonderful, Amanda." Olivia is grinning at her now, the stress and concern disappearing from the brunette's face as they gaze at each other, Amanda smiling back and tentatively picking up Olivia's hand to place on her stomach.

The baby kicks again and they both laugh joyously as another tear escapes from Amanda's eye, but this time the anguish is nowhere to be found as she revels in a blissful moment that has become such an infrequent occurrence lately. Olivia's hand is resting on her swollen belly, her other arm still wrapped around Amanda's shoulders and their heads bent close to one another, Amanda's smile widening and a trace of light peeking through the darkness when the older woman speaks again.

"You are _not_ your father," Olivia repeats with a soft vehemence as they sit there entwined together on the floor, and Amanda wants more than anything to believe that. "He may have acted like a monster while you were growing up, but that's not you, Amanda. That's not who you are. You're a good detective and a good mother, and Jesse and the baby are so lucky to have you."

Amanda's heart melts at her lieutenant's kind words and although she still has her doubts, she is hopeful that Olivia is right.


	6. Episode 20x07

**Episode : 20x07 ("Caretaker")**

 **Genre : Friendship/romance **

**Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

"Come on, Jesse, let's go."

Amanda stifles an impatient, exhausted sigh as she observes her daughter's petulant behavior, the three-year-old dragging her feet and letting out a whine as they walk down the long hallway together. The little girl is shuffling along beside her, arms crossed over her chest and lower lip protruding in a pout, stomping her tiny feet and letting out the occasional angry grunt.

"Do you think Noah and Aunt Liv are going to appreciate the way you're acting right now?" Amanda tries to reason lightly, resolving to keep her cool and not burst into a torrent of overwhelmed tears.

She had decided on a whim to pay Olivia and her son a visit, seeking a distraction from the sad and irritable mood that has enveloped her during their latest case, and figuring Jesse would be happy to spend some time with Noah. Anne Mill had hung herself in her cell the day before, shortly after being convicted of the second-degree murder of her husband; and between the gruesome crimes the woman had committed against her family, the forced desk-duty due to Amanda's pregnancy, and Al Pollock showing back up in her life, she is at her wit's end.

Amanda has never been known for her patient attitude or her ability to sit still for a lengthy period of time, and not being allowed out in the field is grating on her nerves. She is bored and restless and missing the action, and feels somewhat useless sitting behind a desk day after day, staring at her computer screen while the rest of her team is out conducting interviews and chasing down suspects.

She has no idea what to do about her ex-boyfriend, as Al seems to have had a change of heart recently and is being very sweet to her, although overly persistent. The flowers he had sent to the precinct are now being displayed in a vase on her kitchen counter, Amanda deciding to heed Olivia's advice about "needing a little pretty" and choosing to keep them. She has very mixed feelings whenever she looks at them, however, and had considered bringing them to her lieutenant's place just to get them out of her sight but doesn't think her boss would appreciate receiving a recycled gift.

Amanda groans inwardly when Jesse sprawls flat out on the floor as soon as they reach the door to Olivia's apartment, pushing her face into the tiles and letting out a long-suffering wail. She fumbles in her pocket for her cell phone, wanting to warn Olivia that they are here before she knocks, remembering how skittish the older woman has become since both Brian Cassidy and Sheila Porter had randomly showed up at her home last year, neither one of them bringing good news.

The door flies open before she can even begin texting, Olivia standing there with a perplexed look on her face and Noah bolting into the hallway with a squeal of excitement as soon as he notices Jesse laying on the ground. Amanda's eyes roam up and down the brunette's curvy body, taking in Olivia's relaxed appearance and comfortable clothing, the other woman's hair pulled up into a messy bun, and a pink blush tinges her cheeks when she realizes that she is checking out her boss.

"Hey, what are you two doing here?" Olivia asks in a friendly but concerned tone, tilting her head to the side and arching one perfectly shaped eyebrow, Amanda's blush deepening at the knowing expression on her face and cursing herself for getting caught. "We heard Jesse crying."

"Uh, we just wanted to stop by for a visit," she replies offhandedly, dragging her gaze away from the oddly arousing sight of her lieutenant dressed in a simple pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeve T-shirt. "But Jesse started sulking because I told her we couldn't stop for ice cream on the way over here."

Noah immediately proclaims that he wants ice cream as well and joins Jesse on the floor in an act of solidarity and defiance, Amanda rolling her eyes and shaking her head as she shoots Olivia a tired grin. "Our kids sure are special, aren't they, Liv?"

Olivia chuckles in response and leans down to pull both children off the ground, leading them inside and telling Amanda they are more than welcome to come in and stay for awhile. She follows the taller woman gratefully into the apartment, smiling softly as she watches Olivia walk over to the couch with Noah and Jesse's small hands clasped tightly in her own, and sits them down in front of the coffee table where a box of Lego is set up.

"What's going on, Amanda? Is everything okay?" Olivia says quietly once they are ensconced in the kitchen, the brunette pulling food and drinks out of the fridge as they chat. "Is the case still bothering you?"

Amanda recalls the tender hug they had shared in Olivia's office earlier that week, a gesture of comfort during one of the most horrific and disturbing cases she has ever encountered in her career, and finds herself wishing to repeat the action. Neither she nor Olivia are very touchy-feely people, at least not when it comes to each other, and the hug had been such an easy and natural source of compassion; Amanda remembering how surprised she was afterwards that it had seemed so normal, like an activity they engaged in on a regular basis.

Standing there in her boss' kitchen while Olivia prepares a big snack for everyone, Noah and Jesse chattering in the living room as they construct buildings and cars with Lego and a children's movie plays on TV, Amanda is at a loss for words. She had felt an immediate solace upon stepping through the door to Olivia's home, much the same as when they had shared the hug, but her conflicted thoughts and worries are already breaking through the peaceful respite.

She watches Olivia pause in her preparations and glance at her with a frown marring her beautiful features when she doesn't answer, Amanda shrugging sheepishly and clearing her throat as she tries to find her voice. "Honestly, Liv, I don't know if I'm okay or not. Everything is just...confusing...right now. I needed a bit of a break."

Olivia gives a slow nod at this cryptic response, her frown deepening as they gaze at each other, and Amanda doesn't mention that one element of her confusion is standing right next to her at the counter. Amidst every relationship she has had with a man since her arrival in New York several years ago, one person in particular has always dominated her feelings; a tall, gorgeous, compassionate brunette, and the only woman in her life that has ever provoked such intense, all-consuming emotions from her.

Even now, as Olivia arranges cheese and crackers on separate plates for the kids, dressed in such a casual outfit with dark strands of hair escaping the disheveled bun on top of her head, Amanda is stunned at how attractive she is. The scene is so domestic and informal, so different from their usual high-stress days on the job, that she can't seem to stop her mind from wandering to similar scenarios that might take place in the future.

Despite all of her ups and downs with Al and how terribly he has treated her in the past, there is a hint of guilt when Amanda considers how much time she devotes to thinking about Olivia instead of the father of her soon-to-be-born child. They have grown so much closer over the past year and Amanda thoroughly enjoys seeing the older woman outside of work, whenever their busy schedules actually allow them to have a playdate with the kids or the occasional adult dinner, just the two of them spending time at one of their favorite restaurants.

Being in Olivia's presence is not the contentious situation that it used to be and she has grown quite fond of her over the years, her initial awe and infatuation shifting into a genuine friendship and something else that goes well beyond two colleagues bonding over their kids. Once Amanda had truly gotten to know Olivia on a deeper level, shedding that fangirl attitude she had arrived in New York with and moving past the tension and arguments that had followed, she was spellbound once again by the other woman's incredible personality and striking beauty.

"Would you care to elaborate on that?" Olivia questions softly, Amanda startled when the lieutenant's voice breaks into her thoughts, and for a brief, panicked second she is convinced that Olivia can read her mind and is asking about her hidden feelings.

"Your confusion," the other woman reminds her quietly when Amanda doesn't answer right away. "You said you were confused about everything and needed a break. Do you want some time off?"

"From work? God, no, not yet, Liv." Amanda is practically tripping over herself to convey that despite the tedious nature of desk-duty, her job is the last thing she wants a break from, as she'll be spending quite enough time at home after the baby is born. "I just meant that I need a break from everything inside my head. It's all mixed up in there; our recent cases, being stuck in the squad room, my ex-boyfriend..."

She trails off, catching herself before she can add _"and you"_ onto the end of that sentence, sucking in a sharp breath when there is a sudden distinct tumbling motion inside her stomach. Amanda grips onto her round belly with both hands as the baby gives a well-timed kick against her bladder, wincing at how uncomfortable the feeling is and noticing that Olivia is by her side in a flash, her boss instantly abandoning the food preparation.

"Are you alright, Amanda?"

"Yeah," she gasps with a grimace, rubbing her palms over her stomach in a soothing motion. "I think this kid is going to be a soccer player. He or she is a lot more active than Jesse was at this point in the pregnancy. They're wearing me out."

"Come with me, sit down for a minute and get off your feet. Take a rest, honey." Amanda is surprised and pleased when instead of leading her to a kitchen chair or the couch in the living room, Olivia guides her into the master bedroom and helps her get seated on the edge of the bed.

"I figured this would be the most comfortable place to relax for a few minutes, especially since the kids are being pretty loud out there," Olivia explains gently, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed when she feels smooth fingertips skimming through her hair before balancing lightly on her shoulder. "But if you would rather sit somewhere else instead-"

"No, this is perfect, Liv, thank you," Amanda swiftly interrupts before the older woman starts worrying whether she has made her uncomfortable with her choice of seating, feeling privileged to be let into the inner sanctum of Olivia's apartment.

Her boss graces her with a sweet smile and a squeeze on the shoulder, telling Amanda that she'll be back shortly and they can have a chat after she gives the kids their snack, and then strides from the room with purposeful footsteps. When Amanda is alone, she winces and lets out a tiny whimper as the baby kicks hard again, feeling achy and slightly nauseous as the overwhelmed tears from earlier brim at the edges of her lashes.

She bites her lip and throws a longing glance at the inviting array of pillows that are stacked up against the headboard behind her, wondering if Olivia would mind if she slid backwards on the mattress and just stretched out across the bed for a minute. Amanda reasons that if Olivia had thought it was inappropriate for her to be using the bed, she wouldn't have led her into the master bedroom in the first place and sat her down on the delicately patterned quilt.

"Hey, stop hurting your mama," she scolds lightly, giving a small tap on her belly as she does an awkward crawl up the bed and ends up sprawled out across the sheets when she loses her balance.

Amanda rights herself as quickly as possible and leans back onto the mountain of fluffy pillows with a delighted sigh, her eyelids drooping closed again as her head is enveloped in soft material that smells like Olivia's perfume. She figures she'll just relax here for a moment while the older woman tends to the kids, feeling a stab of guilt because it hadn't been her intention to use Olivia as a babysitter for her daughter or a therapist for herself, and determined to stay silent on the issues that are plaguing her.

"Okay, the kids are all settled with their snacks-"

Amanda's eyes fly open again to see Olivia standing in the doorway, the brunette abruptly cutting herself off mid-sentence and raising both eyebrows at her, the corner of her lips quirked into what could either be amusement or annoyance. "Well, I see you've made yourself right at home."

"I didn't think you'd mind since I was already sitting here," Amanda hastens to explain, blushing to the roots of her hair as she scrambles to get up, and finding a gentle but firm hand placed on her shoulder to put a halt to her movements.

"It's fine, you don't have to go anywhere," Olivia assures her softly, pushing her back against the pillows with a light touch. "I was just teasing. Of course I don't mind, Amanda. I know you're not feeling very well, either physically or emotionally right now, and this is the quietest, most comfortable place for you to have a rest." There is a slight pause as the other woman gazes down at her, those penetrating dark eyes boring into her own. "Is it okay if I sit beside you? I could use a bit of a rest myself."

"You don't have to ask, Liv, it's your bed," Amanda murmurs as a flush of nervous pleasure overtakes the aches and pains and tumultuous emotions when Olivia hesitates briefly before stretching out beside her.

For several seconds they simply lay there next to each other without speaking, the only sounds in the apartment coming from the living room where the movie is still running and the kids are giggling while they play. Amanda had initially tensed up when Olivia had climbed onto the mattress so close beside her, a wave of arousal washing over her at sharing a bed with her boss, but now she finds herself melting into the quilt again and becoming relaxed once more.

That insistent pressure is back on her bladder and Amanda lets out a low groan of frustration, wondering if this baby is throwing a temper tantrum just like their big sister had out in the hallway. She usually finds the flurry of movement inside her belly to be both fascinating and endearing, and is excited to meet the newest member of her family, but right now she just needs a moment to catch her breath and lie still.

"The little one is giving you a pretty hard time, huh?" Olivia observes sympathetically, Amanda feeling the other woman's fingers brushing against her own and a shiver running down her spine in response.

"Everyone is giving me a hard time," Amanda mumbles before she realizes what she is saying, turning her head on the pillow to see Olivia staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face.

"Everyone?" the brunette echoes with obvious concern. "Is Al bothering you, honey?"

"No, I wouldn't say that he's _bothering_ me, exactly," Amanda hedges with a fatigued sigh and a shake of her head. "I just don't know what to do about him. I guess I should be relieved that he's taking an interest in me and the baby instead of just writing us off like he did before, but I feel more irritated than anything else. He's just trying too hard now, I guess. The sudden change of heart doesn't feel very sincere to me."

"I know you've said that you don't love him, so that must be making things more complicated," Olivia says softly, and there is an odd note in her tone that has Amanda tilting her head in curiosity, the other woman's voice sounding strangely timid and hopeful. "Unless that's changed...?"

"No, it hasn't changed," Amanda replies firmly, a flurry of butterflies taking up residence in the pit of her stomach that have nothing to do with her overactive baby. "I don't love him, Liv. I never have and I doubt I ever will."

She bites down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep from speaking her true feelings; that the only person in her life she has ever felt so deeply for is the one lying right next to her. The tips of Olivia's fingers are now stroking up and down her forearm in a gesture that Amanda assumes is meant to bring her some comfort, but only causes her heart rate to skyrocket even further than it already has at the older woman's close proximity.

They simply gaze at each other without speaking, sharing exasperated grins when the sound of Lego being dumped onto the floor reaches the bedroom, and Noah and Jesse let out simultaneous shrieks of mischief. Amanda knows that they need to get back out to the living room and that her daughter is more than likely contributing to tearing her lieutenant's home apart, as spending time with Noah never fails to get her hyped up, but neither one of them make a move to vacate the bed.

Another swift kick from the equally mischievous child inside her belly has Amanda gasping in discomfort once again, Olivia shifting closer to her on the mattress and murmuring a hesitant question while her hand hovers in the air between them. Amanda nods gratefully in return, watching as Olivia settles her palm over her distended stomach and begins rubbing slow, pacifying circles around the fabric of her plaid shirt.

She is stunned when the baby immediately calms down, only feeling a slight flutter from time to time, as if her child is much more content now that Olivia is there to provide her usual brand of warmth and tenderness. The aches and pains and nausea gradually start to ease, and Amanda finds herself blinking back a wave of appreciative tears at the care and understanding that her boss is showing her, so glad that she had decided to drop by for a visit.

"Everything is going to be okay, Amanda," Olivia says softly, the older woman removing her hand from her stomach to swipe at a stray tear balancing on her lower lashes, and Amanda can't help but believe her as she leans into the compassionate touch.

She brings her own hand up to grasp gently at Olivia's wrist and for a moment they hover there face to face on the bed, connected and unmoving, as blue eyes bore into brown in a silent question before their lips tentatively meet. The kiss is cautious and unhurried, their mouths caressing against each other as they explore this new and surprising level of intimacy between them, Amanda reaching up to feather her fingers through the silky strands of hair that have escaped from Olivia's bun.

She reluctantly pulls away when the need to breathe becomes an issue, her heart racing out of control and a smile stretching across her face as they rest their foreheads together and bask in this unexpected joy. Jesse's loud screech of indignation from the other room shatters the euphoric mood and they both chuckle quietly, Amanda aware that their brief time alone is coming to an end and they should be getting back to their children.

No words are spoken as they rise from the bed and walk hand in hand toward the door, their actions speaking for themselves, and it feels as if the heavy cloud of despair that has been hanging over Amanda's head has lifted enough to allow some light to shine through the darkness. She threads her fingers through Olivia's and gives the older woman's hand a quick, affectionate squeeze before they return to the living room, her lips still tingling from their first kiss and eager to see what the future has in store.


	7. Episode 20x09

**I started writing a drabble for "Hell's Kitchen" but then decided to skip it because I couldn't find the right flow.**

 **My goal for this series was to keep all of these drabbles separate and unrelated to one other because I want to make each chapter its own little story, but I've decided to write a second part to this chapter. Hopefully I will be able to get it posted very soon! :)  
**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x09 ("Mea Culpa")**

 **Genre : Friendship/romance **

**Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda's head is spinning as she stands at the stove and stirs the big pot of spaghetti sauce with a wooden spoon, wincing as Jesse lets out a particularly loud shriek of joy at the kitchen table behind her, the noise making her ears ring. She had set the little girl up with her coloring books and a stack of blank paper, along with giant tubs of markers and crayons, to keep Jesse entertained while she cooks a bigger dinner than usual to accommodate the guests that will be arriving soon.

Her daughter has a very vivid imagination and often makes up elaborate stories to accompany whatever she happens to be drawing, and the picture that is currently being scribbled onto the paper seems to involve a lot of crazy adventures and boisterous yelling. While Amanda is proud of the intelligence and creativity that Jesse is displaying at such a young age, she can't help but wish that the inside of her apartment was just a bit quieter, especially when Frannie comes barrelling into the room to leap around the table with enthusiasm, sharp claws scratching at the wood when she attempts to climb onto the chair next to Jesse.

"Frannie, down, girl," Amanda scolds lightly as she gently pulls the animal away, her lips quirking with amusement at the delighted burst of laughter from her daughter.

"Silly doggie," Jesse observes with an exaggerated roll of her eyes and a comical wave of her hand, and this time Amanda is the one who starts laughing.

"Yes, she sure is, isn't she? But Frannie knows better than to climb onto the chairs," Amanda says firmly, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at the canine who is gazing up at her with an innocent expression on her furry face and giving a friendly wag of her tail. "Dogs don't belong at the table."

"Frannie wanna color with me?" Jesse asks brightly, and Amanda shakes her head affectionately and ruffles her daughter's long blonde hair before returning to the stove and continuing with the dinner preparations.

"I think it might be hard for her to hold onto a marker or a crayon with those paws, sweetie," Amanda explains with a chuckle, noticing the sudden movement inside her belly and wondering if the baby is listening to all the chaos and is eager to participate in the family shenanigans.

The mood is always elevated in the Rollins home whenever Olivia and Noah are due to stop by for a good meal and an evening of movies and games with a possible sleepover to top off all the fun, and although she normally looks forward to their playdates, Amanda can't help thinking she should have cancelled this time. She is feeling quite rundown and overwhelmed with life in general at the moment, Peter Stone's recent trial for sexual assault and Al Pollock's proposal to move the Rollins clan over to his place not doing much to keep her mind and body calm and free of stress.

Amanda swipes an arm across her forehead as she stirs the sauce again, beads of feverish sweat dotting her brow, and wonders if she is just overheated from cooking or if she is coming down with a cold. Now is not the time for her to get sick, the pressures of her job and caring for Jesse while pregnant with her second child, as well as the big decision that needs to be made taking up quite enough space in her life and not allowing for much more.

She doesn't want to pass on any sort of illness to her lieutenant or her son, but figures it's too late to cancel now, her assumption confirmed when there is a knock at the door and Amanda throws a glance at the clock to see that Olivia is just as prompt as she usually is.

"Noah!" Jesse squeals in excitement, leaping so quickly from her chair that she almost trips over Frannie who bounds up from her position on the floor at the same time.

Amanda rushes over to put a stop to the impending collision between her daughter and her pet, eager to avoid any serious injuries and subsequent trips to the hospital or vet, and can hear Olivia and Noah laughing from the hallway. The little boy is just as thrilled to see Jesse when Amanda swings open the door, both kids jumping up and down before rushing into each other's arms for a hug like they hadn't just seen each other a week ago, Amanda catching Olivia's eye and sharing a grin with her.

They watch their children and Frannie race in hyper circles for a moment before Amanda begins ushering everyone inside, not wanting any complaints from nearby neighbors at the level of noise coming from her end of the building. She is grateful to Olivia for momentarily taking over the dinner preparations while she gets Noah settled at the table beside Jesse and pours dog food into a bowl for a very hungry Frannie.

When Amanda joins the older woman at the stove, she can see that Olivia looks just as exhausted as she herself feels, and knows her boss has had a tough time lately with the allegation against Stone and everything that had followed in its wake. The case had taken a toll on the entire team, each member of the squad voicing their own strong opinions on the subject, and Amanda is relieved that it is over and done with now, hoping they can steer clear of any conversations involving Stone and just enjoy their evening together.

"Hey, are you feeling okay?" Olivia suddenly asks, and Amanda notices how closely she is being studied by the brunette when she turns her gaze away from the pot of spaghetti to glance at her.

"I've been better," she replies honestly, giving a slightly sheepish shrug because she still doesn't like to admit when she is not at the top of her game, even though she and Olivia have become so close over the past year, that by this point, Amanda might actually consider the other woman to be her best friend. "Just got a lot going on, you know? But we all do, don't we? Everyone's been busy."

"You, more than most," Olivia says softly, laying a hand on Amanda's arm in what she assumes is a tactic to get her to stop stirring the sauce and pay attention to their discussion. "And I think there's been more happening in your life than you've been letting on. Such as you getting sick."

Amanda rolls her eyes in the same fashion as her daughter had while dealing with Frannie's antics, and stifles a sigh that is both irritated and amused. "Liv, I literally _just_ started feeling under the weather, okay? It's not like I've been keeping this big secret from you about being sick. I started feeling unwell on the way home from work today, so it's only been a couple of hours. It's probably just a cold; no big deal."

"That's not the only thing I was going to mention," Olivia responds with a sharp arch of her eyebrow and Amanda steels herself for what is about to be said next, unsure if she wants to talk about it quite yet. "I've not usually one to eavesdrop on my squad's conversations at the precinct, but I couldn't help overhearing bits and pieces of the discussions you've been having with Fin and Carisi lately."

"Discussions that are none of your business, Liv?" Amanda inquires lightly, lifting an eyebrow of her own in return as she and Olivia stare each other down in challenge, Amanda torn between enjoying the teasing banter and dreading the potential seriousness of what is to come.

There is an immature part of her that has never stopped relishing the chance to get under Olivia's skin whenever the opportunity presents itself, even though their relationship has grown far past the contentious stage that it once was. She is pretty sure that Olivia appreciates it too, at least to a certain degree, as the time they spend together outside of work is often filled with gentle taunts and poking fun at one another, their playful jokes occasionally bordering on unintentional flirtation.

"So have you made your decision yet?" Olivia presses casually, and Amanda has to stifle the urge to roll her eyes again at the brunette's insistence to focus on this anxiety-inducing topic.

"About what?" she replies innocently, scrunching up her face in an expression of feigned confusion as she scratches her chin with her fingertips, trying to hold in a chuckle at Olivia's obvious exasperation.

 _"Amanda."_ The way Olivia is able to say her name in both a lighthearted and commanding way at the same time, sends a shiver of desire down her spine.

"Look, I didn't want to bring it up while you were so involved in Stone's case, okay?" Amanda answers with a weary sigh, turning her attention back to the bubbling pot of sauce in front of her. "I wasn't trying to leave you out of our conversations on purpose, alright? But no, I haven't made a decision yet. I keep going back and forth with it."

"What's stopping you from saying yes?" Olivia asks softly, the teasing quality of her tone replaced with compassion and concern, and Amanda knows that this is the whole point of the older woman's non-stop prodding; that Olivia's protective streak is making an appearance and she is genuinely worried about her and wants to make sure she is making the right choice.

"A lot of things," Amanda admits with another shrug, fiddling absently with the bag of leftover spaghetti noodles next to the stove. "I have some reservations about moving in with him."

"Like what?" Olivia says gently, Amanda feeling the slight nudge of her lieutenant's elbow against her arm.

"Well, I don't know if this is just an act or if he really has turned over a new leaf and changed for the better; if he is ready to make an actual commitment," Amanda blurts out, realizing that this is the first time she has ever put a voice to this specific fear; the possibility that Al might be lying to her again, but this time on a much larger scale because it involves not only herself but her children as well.

"I'd say that's a pretty serious reservation," Olivia comments quietly, Amanda nodding in agreement as her shoulders sag in a defeated manner, choosing to keep silent on another important reason that might make her decline Al's proposal; something that has been creeping around in the back of her mind for quite awhile now.

"Hey, it's going to be okay, honey," Olivia assures her in a tender tone, stroking a hand through her hair. "You don't have to make this decision right away. You should be able to take all the time you need."

Before Amanda can respond, Olivia's palm is sliding from her hair to her forehead, a deep frown instantly creasing her beautiful features. "Amanda, you feel pretty warm. Why don't you go sit down on the couch and let me finish making dinner? I can bring you something cold to drink and a cool cloth to put on your forehead."

"Liv, I'm fine-" Amanda starts to protest, but before she can even finish what she is saying, Olivia is steering her toward the living room, Amanda letting out an unintended moan of relief when she sinks down into the comfortable cushions.

"I'm really sorry about this," Amanda mumbles as she scrubs her hands over her face in exhaustion, grateful that Jesse and Noah are now coloring quietly at the table together and the insane amount of noise has ceased. "I should have cancelled. I don't want you or Noah to catch anything from me."

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad you didn't cancel," Olivia replies softly, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed in pleasure when she feels the other woman's fingers gliding through her hair again. "You need someone to take care of you right now. I'll make sure the kids stay occupied in the kitchen so you can get some rest while I finish with dinner."

She has to bite back the words that are hovering on the tip of her tongue and begging to be spoken aloud when Olivia turns away; Amanda desperate to ask the older woman to abandon their meal and curl up on the couch with her instead. She has the sudden urge to be held and soothed by Olivia; an urge that she doesn't usually have with most other people, Al included. She stares longingly at her boss as Olivia moves around her kitchen with the ease and comfort that comes with being in a familiar space, like she belongs here in Amanda's home, cheerfully cooking spaghetti for their families on a Friday night and proclaiming that Noah and Jesse are going to be artists when they grow up, both kids enthusiastically displaying their drawings for Olivia to inspect.

Frannie trots over to join Amanda on the couch, as if the dog can sense the darker change in her mood and the melancholy that has befallen her, Amanda giving her pet a grateful scratch behind the ears. The canine lays her head on Amanda's protruding belly and her eyes swim with tears even as a smile stretches across her face at the animal's kind gesture, pretty sure her rising fever and fluctuating hormones are wreaking havoc with her emotions.

"Hey, are you doing okay, honey?"

Amanda is startled at the sound of Olivia's voice, not realizing that the older woman had returned to the living room and is now kneeling down on the floor beside her to place a cool washcloth against her sweaty forehead. "Yeah, I'm good, Liv," she murmurs, willing the tears to stay back when Olivia holds a glass of water to her lips and helps her straighten up enough to take a sip of the cold liquid without choking.

"I think you should see a doctor if you don't start feeling better soon," Olivia advises quietly, obviously disbelieving of Amanda's claim that all is well. "You need to be very careful while you're pregnant. You don't want a simple fever turning into something much more serious."

"I know," Amanda huffs out with a sigh, her loathing for doctor's offices and hospitals right up there with her hatred of therapy and anything else that allows her to be exposed in a physical or emotional way. "I promise I'll go if it gets worse. But for now, I just want to relax, okay?"

"Well, you can start by getting out of those clothes."

Amanda's jaw drops open at Olivia's unexpected suggestion, a fiery red blush crawling up her neck and into her cheeks when the brunette quirks an eyebrow at her reaction, Amanda's blush deepening as the lieutenant hastens to explain.

"I just meant that you should change into something more comfortable. You're still wearing the outfit you had on at the precinct."

Amanda glances down at her professional attire, realizing that it hadn't even occurred to her to take off the pinstriped dress pants and matching blazer when she had gotten home, the white blouse beneath looking quite wrinkled and in need of an iron. "Oh, r-right," she stutters out as a series of carnal images spring to mind and start playing out like some kind of X-rated movie before she can stop them.

"Yeah, I should definitely get changed," Amanda mutters in agreement, struggling to stand up from the couch and Frannie giving an unhappy whine in response as she leaps to the floor, suddenly desperate to be free of the constricting garments that are trapping her body within their confines. "I'm _so_ hot right now."

When Olivia raises both eyebrows at this proclamation while helping Amanda to her feet, she rushes to explain and finds that her tongue is tripping over itself as the jumble of words spill from her mouth. "I didn't mean it that way, Liv. I just meant that I'm feeling hot because of the fever, not that I actually think I'm sexy or anything...I mean how can I be even remotely sexy when I'm the size of a whale?"

Her entire body feels as if it's about to burst into flames with the sheer amount of mortification that is enveloping her, Amanda absolutely horrified with herself for what she is saying and unused to acting so nervous and ridiculous around a woman who has become such a good friend. She is terrified that Olivia is going to think her subordinate is acting inappropriately and call her out on it, scrambling to come up with a better explanation but drawing a complete blank.

"Wow, Amanda, calm down, I know what you mean." Olivia is sputtering with laughter instead of looking offended, an incredulous expression fixed on her face, but there is a trace of something else there too; something deeper that hints of lust and desire, and Amanda has to swallow around the large lump that has risen inside her throat. "I think that fever is doing some funny things to your brain, and you should probably do everything you can to start bringing your temperature down."

Amanda nods mutely in return, too afraid to open her mouth and take the chance that more of her awkward word-vomit will spew forth and ruin a relationship that means the entire world to her. She allows Olivia to guide her into the master bedroom, refusing to let her mind focus on what she suspects is simmering just beneath the surface of the brunette's mirth and shock; in disbelief that the older woman had actually seemed to show an interest in her that was less of the friendship variety and more of something that she has only dreamed about.

They stand there in the open doorway and gaze at each other in silence for a moment, the sound of Noah and Jesse's animated chatter floating through the apartment, until Olivia clears her throat and begins speaking somewhat hesitantly. "Look, Amanda, I need to get back out to the kitchen and I don't want to overstep my boundaries here, but in regards to what you just said in the living room, being pregnant doesn't make you any less desirable, okay? Your body is bigger because you're getting ready to bring a human being into this world and that's such an amazing thing. It certainly doesn't mean you're unattractive. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. You're beautiful, honey."

Amanda is too stunned to answer for several seconds, staring up at Olivia with wide blue eyes as a flurry of butterflies take up residence in her stomach. "Really? You think I'm beautiful?"

"Yes, I do," Olivia replies with a warm smile, reaching out to clasp her hand and giving it a tight squeeze. "You're positively glowing, Amanda. You look wonderful. Pregnancy definitely suits you."

Amanda knows that she should keep her mouth clamped firmly shut and not blurt out the words that are burning a passionate trail up her throat to dance along her tongue, but the combination of fever and exhaustion and hormones are making her feel wildly out of control, and they come tumbling out from her between her parted lips despite all efforts to stop them.

"Liv, one of the reasons I have reservations about living with Al is because I would rather live with you instead."


	8. Episode 20x09 Part 2

**Even though all of the drabbles in this series have so far been unconnected to each other and are their own little stories, this chapter directly follows the previous one because I wanted to make it into a longer storyline. Chapters 1 through 6 are standalone chapters, though.  
**

 **And I just realized that I probably shouldn't be referring to these updates as "drabbles" anymore, since this one is over 4,000 words, lol. :)**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x09 ("Mea Culpa") Part 2**

 **Genre : Friendship/romance**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

The silence that follows Amanda's confession is so acute, it's as if every single occupant of the apartment has ceased to move or speak, like each one is waiting with bated breath for Olivia's answer. Amanda can no longer hear the kids chattering away at the kitchen table as their stack of drawings grow ever larger beside them; she can't hear Frannie shuffling along the floor around Noah and Jesse's chairs, no doubt looking for any morsel of food that may have been dropped from the snack she had set out for her daughter before their dinner guests had arrived.

She merely stares at Olivia in shock, disbelieving of the words that have just come flying out of her own mouth and fervently wishing she could take them all back, but there is nothing she can do about it now as they seem to hang in the air between them with the weight of a physical object. The older woman is gazing back at her with an unreadable expression on her face, dark eyes wide and penetrating, and Amanda is overcome with a wave of nausea as she realizes that there is absolutely no way of knowing what Olivia is thinking or what she is going to say in response to the utter insanity that has just been spouted.

When Olivia's lips finally part and the brunette draws in a deep breath as if she is about to speak, Amanda steels herself for the worst but hopes for the best, the dread and anticipation coiled so tightly inside of her that she can't differentiate one from the other. Visions of a happy future with Olivia and their children are dancing through her head; lazy weekend mornings and afternoons spent at the park, movies and picnics together, holidays that are no longer the depressing fare they once were but will now be filled with the joy of spending time with a family who loves her for who she truly is.

These delightful little moments that are playing out inside her mind are also interspersed with what will most likely be the reality of the situation; that Olivia will simply stride from the bedroom doorway and into the kitchen to grab Noah's hand, leading her son out of the apartment without a word, never to return to Amanda's home. Their existence together will revert back to what it used to be; only seeing each other at the precinct and for work-related events, every interaction between them awkward and contentious, and without the warmth and camaraderie that they share now.

Amanda swallows down an immense wave of sorrow for this particular version of the future, so bleak and dark and one that she couldn't possibly stand, her brow wrinkling with confusion when she is finally graced with the sound of Olivia's voice, the ensuing reply certainly not what she had been expecting.

"Amanda, I should get back out to the kitchen," Olivia answers softly, gesturing over to the pot of spaghetti sauce that is bubbling away on the stove. "I need to finish dinner and the kids shouldn't be left unattended right now. Why don't you just rest in here while I finish cooking and then I'll come get you when it's done? You need to make sure that fever doesn't get any higher."

Amanda nods slowly without verbally responding, whirling toward the bed in a state of numbness and figuring Olivia is just brushing off her ridiculous proclamation about living together and merely attributing this nonsense to her escalating temperature. She shivers with both pleasure and anguish when she feels a gentle hand running the length of her hair and down her back before she hears Olivia's footsteps retreating, not even bothering to turn around and watch her leave.

Amanda crawls into bed with stiff, pained movements, her heavy body bowing down toward the mattress with fatigue and rejection, cursing herself for not being able to control the absurdity that had spewed forth from her mouth before she could put a stop to it. She is joined by Frannie a moment later, as if the dog is again sensing her owner's distress and need for a cuddle, grateful tears springing to Amanda's eyes when she holds up a corner of the covers and the furry form of her pet instantly snuggles against her.

She lets her tired eyes flutter closed, listening to the noise in the kitchen as Olivia tells the kids to start packing up all of the paper and coloring books and get their hands washed for dinner, both Noah and Jesse disagreeing with this idea and loudly voicing their contempt. A small smile tugs at Amanda's lips as Olivia talks patiently with them, explaining that they can finish drawing when the meal is over, never raising her voice and maintaining her usual gentle composure, and she pushes her face into the pillow as a tear slips down her cheek.

She feels a warm, wet tongue running along her face as Frannie seeks to wipe away the moisture, and Amanda chuckles with disgust, turning away on the mattress and keeping her eyes firmly shut when she hears Olivia in the doorway once again, telling her that dinner is ready. There in a vast amount of shame overtaking her as she pretends to have fallen asleep, not moving a muscle when the older woman tiptoes over to the bed and leans over her prone form, Amanda letting out a soft snore for good measure.

A barely audible sigh sounds in response before Olivia returns to the kitchen, Amanda curling miserably into herself and wrapping both arms around her burgeoning belly, rubbing a hand over her blouse when she feels a light kick from the baby. The more she thinks about it, the less she can imagine packing up her entire life to move in with Dr. Al Pollack, a man who has cheated on her and was willing to pay for an abortion without even having a proper discussion about it first; someone who has made her feel like a worthless piece of trash more than once over the time they have spent together.

Amanda is not sure how much his kind gestures mean now, especially in light of everything that has happened over the last several months; the fancy dinners and the expensive gifts and his efforts to bond with Jesse paling in comparison to how he has treated her in the past. There is a persistent hint of guilt, however, when she thinks of the deep and abiding feelings she is having for Olivia while trying to make it work with her baby's father, much preferring to spend time with the other woman and her son instead of the man she has conceived a child with. Her mind is a whirlwind of confusion and angst, her head aching with fever and exhaustion and too many emotions to name, and this time she doesn't have to pretend to fall asleep as the culmination of recent events yank her swiftly beneath the black veil of consciousness.

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda is startled when she abruptly awakens again, unsure of exactly where she is or what time it is, feeling too hot and extremely out of sorts, the remnants of strange dreams floating through her head and relieved to find herself in her own bed with Frannie still snuggled against her body, once her sticky eyelids become unglued and gradually open to take in her surroundings. Her heart leaps into her throat and she lets out a gasp when she notices a shadowy figure standing at the foot of her bed, blinking into the darkness and realizing that quite a lot of time must have passed since she had fallen asleep, no noise whatsoever emanating from the apartment beyond.

"Relax, honey, it's just me," Olivia whispers soothingly, Amanda watching as the older woman shuffles closer and a cool hand is laid upon her forehead. "You've been sleeping for quite awhile and I wanted to come in and check on you. You missed dinner. You must be pretty hungry by now."

"Where are the kids?" Amanda asks in a raspy voice, glancing around as if expecting to see them in the room too, but Olivia and Frannie are the only ones there with her, the dog shifting on the mattress and grunting slightly, as if they are disturbing her slumber.

"I put Jesse to bed and got Noah set up on the couch for the night," Olivia explains softly, Amanda wishing that the brunette would slide beneath the covers next to her instead of continuing to hover there, her tall figure creating a long shadow across the blankets. "They colored for awhile after dinner and then watched a movie before both of them started getting pretty cranky, so I thought it would be best to get them tucked in for the night. I think they were both overtired."

"I'm so sorry, Liv," Amanda replies in a gravelly tone, feeling the shame from earlier washing over her once more, and horror-stricken all over again at what she had confessed. "I swear I didn't invite you here so you would end up having to do everything; cooking dinner and taking care of the kids and putting them to bed. I should have just cancelled. If I had done that, none of this ever would have happened..."

A sudden sob bubbles up her throat and out of her mouth before she can try to push it back down, covering her eyes with her hands when it occurs to her that this might be the last night that Olivia spends in her home and unable to contemplate a future where they aren't at least close friends. Amanda feels the dip of the mattress as Olivia sits down beside her, unable to stop from turning her body toward the other woman and laying her head against the side of her thigh, wanting to soak in every ounce of the lieutenant's presence while she still can.

"Oh, sweetheart, you are burning up." The tender concern in Olivia's voice only makes Amanda cry harder for a moment, smooth fingertips brushing along her forehead once more and tucking unruly strands of long hair behind her ear. "Why don't I call Lucy to come stay with the kids and we'll go get you looked at by a doctor?"

"Let's wait until morning to do that, Liv," Amanda sniffles as she rubs her face against Olivia's leg, smearing her tears on the fabric of her pants. "I'm too tired to do that right now. I just want to stay in my own bed, okay? Not some gross hospital cot in the emergency ward. I might be feeling a lot better by the morning, anyway."

"Well, if that's not the case, we're definitely getting you some medical attention and I don't want to hear any more arguments about it," Olivia responds sternly, even as her movements remain tender, her hand running in sweeping circles over Amanda's shoulder blades. "For now, though, we need to get you into something lighter. You're _still_ dressed in your work clothes, honey. How about I find some comfortable pajamas for you to wear?"

Amanda nods in return, instantly missing the compassionate physical connection when Olivia gets up from the bed and turns on a lamp before walking over to the dresser in search of something more appropriate for her to change into. She blinks in the sudden brightness and holds out her arms for assistance when Olivia comes back over to the bed with a pair of cotton pajamas in her hands, setting them aside and leaning down to help her into a sitting position, Amanda feeling bulky and unattractive with her giant belly protruding between them and professional attire rumpled beyond recognition.

After shrugging out of her blazer, she fumbles to undo the buttons on her blouse with swollen fingers that refuse to cooperate, finally allowing Olivia to take over a task that shouldn't be so difficult, despite her increasing embarrassment with the situation. It is rare for Amanda to let anyone witness her in such a vulnerable state, tears continuing to slip noiselessly down her cheeks while Olivia slowly unbuttons her shirt and lets the garment slip down her arms to pool on the covers after she gives the older woman another nod of consent.

Amanda glances down at her blue patterned maternity bra and bulging stomach, her breasts much larger than they used to be and seemingly growing at the same rate that her belly is, a hot blush crawling up her neck to heat her cheeks. While she appreciates Olivia's help, she can't help feeling exposed in front of her boss in more ways than one; her changing body being revealed bit by bit and her earlier confession still hanging in the air as if the words have taken on a solid form and she can actually reach out and touch them.

Olivia's hands are on her face now, thumbs stroking underneath her eyes to catching the tears that won't stop falling, and Amanda is at a loss on what to do or say next; whether to let the brunette continue helping her get ready for bed or to bring up the massive elephant in the room and talk about the subject that they both seem intent on avoiding.

Instead of choosing either of those options, Amanda gently grasps onto Olivia's wrists and stares up at the taller woman, their gazes locked intently on each other. "Where are you going to sleep tonight, Liv? Noah is on the couch and I don't want you sleeping on the floor..."

She trails off and lets her eyes drift suggestively to the vacant spot on the bed next to her, Frannie having shifted even further away on the sheets so that the animal is teetering on the very edge mattress, as if eager to escape the voices that have disrupted her slumber. Feverish and emotional, Amanda is desperate to feel Olivia's comforting arms around her, terrified that she has pushed the other woman away and needing to spend the night in the lieutenant's embrace, seeking some assurance that Olivia isn't going to vacate her life.

When the brunette doesn't answer right away, Amanda quickly scrambles to come up with something to cover the mortification that is enveloping her once again. "I mean, I understand if you would rather not stay in here and risk getting sick...you can always share the couch with Noah instead of sleeping on the floor..."

"You know, I think I would rather take the chance of getting sick than throwing my back out by spending the night on the hard floor or getting kicked in the face by my son on the couch. He's not the most peaceful sleeper," Olivia chuckles wryly, and Amanda feels a swell of hope rising inside her chest at the lighthearted response and the agreement to spend the night sharing a bed.

"Okay, Liv," she whispers with a lopsided smile, her heart beating faster when Olivia bends down again to continue assisting her with the removal of her clothing, guiding Amanda to her feet and reaching for the waistband of her dress pants before hesitating momentarily.

"It's alright," Amanda says softly, her palms coming up to cover Olivia's larger hands as they rest lightly on her hips, and her fingers trembling so badly with nerves and fatigue that she doesn't think she even has the strength to pull them down on her own, in spite of the lingering embarrassment. "You can keep helping me."

Olivia nods mutely, her gaze unreadable once more, and together they ease the pants down Amanda's legs, leaving her clad in blue patterned underwear that is a perfect match for the bra. Amanda is tempted to just pull her pajamas on over her undergarments to avoid the awkward nature of the next step in the process of getting ready for bed, but knows that she will be extremely uncomfortable if she has to sleep in the bra and panties set.

Olivia turns away with what looks to be a blush gracing her own cheeks, as if the territory they have just entered is too new and intimate for her, and is something that Amanda needs to take care of herself, murmuring that she is still there to help if Amanda really needs it. Her heart is pounding and there is sweat slicking her nearly naked body as Amanda removes her undergarments with shuddering hands, leaving herself entirely bare as Olivia stands just a few feet away from her, the older woman close enough to reach out and touch if she wants to.

Amanda has the sudden urge to step over to Olivia and whirl her around, planting a searing kiss on her lips and then burrowing herself into her chest, longing to be held by the older woman even as mortification and regret continue to thrum through her veins due to their present circumstances and what she had confessed earlier in the evening. Instead, she simply lowers her tired body down to perch there on the edge of the bed, her nudity on full display if Olivia decides to turn back around, lost in overwhelming thoughts as she absently rubs circles over her pale belly and feels a slight fluttering motion beneath her palms.

She smiles softly and looks down at her protruding stomach, the moonlight that is trickling in through the blinds illuminating her skin and giving it an ethereal glow, picturing the child within and wondering how her life will play out from this point forward. Amanda slowly becomes aware of a set of eyes resting upon her, large dark orbs seeming to peer straight into her soul as Olivia peeks over her shoulder, and Amanda raises her gaze so their eyes are locked on one another, the tension in the small space suddenly feeling like it is about to explode.

"God, Amanda, you are so breathtakingly gorgeous," Olivia breathes in awe, Amanda's eyebrows shooting upwards in shock as the other woman continues to speak in a tone that is now remorseful. "I didn't mean to violate your privacy but you were quiet for so long that I thought something was wrong. I should have asked before turning around, though. I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Liv, you don't need to apologize," Amanda whispers honestly, frozen into the sheets and making no move to cover herself, still in disbelief that Olivia can possibly think of her in this way; that she is actually an attractive and desirable woman in her current state.

She watches as Olivia very slowly makes her way over to the bed, her boss' movements careful and deliberate as she removes one of the blankets from the mattress and tucks it around Amanda's shoulders before kneeling down on the floor in front of her and placing her palms on her knees. Amanda's skin immediately begins tingling beneath the brunette's warm touch, lifting her hand to graze her knuckles along Olivia's cheekbone as they gaze at each other in silence for a moment.

"Amanda...what you said before about wanting to live with me instead of Al..." Olivia appears to be stumbling over her words and Amanda nods encouragingly, at once elated and terrified at finally being able to have this discussion after Olivia has been avoiding it all evening. "I panicked and left the room without answering you because I couldn't admit that it's something I've thought about too."

Amanda swallows hard, her heart thumping so hard inside her chest that it feels as if the organ might actually burst right out of her rib cage with the force of the motion, and she makes an effort to stay calm and slow her rapid breathing down; to just sit there wrapped up snugly in the blanket and listen to what Olivia has to say.

"I shouldn't have acted the way I did and I'm sorry about that, but the things I feel for you, Amanda..." The older woman seems to be having trouble gathering her thoughts and choosing the appropriate words to say, and Amanda understands exactly what she is going through, feathering her fingers gently through Olivia's hair to soothe her. "Well, they are things that a boss shouldn't be feeling for her subordinate and a friend shouldn't be feeling for another friend. It's just not right."

"There is no _right_ way to feel, Liv," Amanda points out softly, leaning forward to plant a tender kiss on the smooth olive skin of Olivia's forehead. "And titles don't matter. When we're spending time together outside of the precinct, we're not Lieutenant Benson and Detective Rollins, we're not boss and subordinate; we're just Olivia and Amanda. And relationships can change; sometimes friends fall in love with each other-"

Amanda cuts herself off with a choked gasp, her heart giving a sickening lurch inside her chest when she realizes that the term _love_ has not been mentioned at all in this entire conversation and has never been brought up at any other point in time; that the sentiment has just been existing in her own private thoughts, occasionally floating through her head whenever she allows herself to think that deeply about her true feelings for Olivia. She pulls the blanket more tightly around her naked, trembling frame, her head hanging low, too afraid to glance up and look Olivia in the eye as the tears continue traveling in wet pathways down her cheeks, dripping one by one from her chin to land in her lap.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda whispers raggedly, feeling so out of control with her thoughts and emotions that she doesn't know how to reign herself back in again and wonders if she will just keeping spiraling. "I didn't mean to jump straight to the L-word; I didn't mean to assume that your feelings went that far-"

Her word are abruptly cut off once more, but this time the interruption is due to Olivia's actions and not her own, Amanda giving a surprised and ecstatic squeak as a pair of plump lips are pressed firmly into her own. She is burning with fever and her head is spinning dizzily, but all thoughts of Olivia possibly catching her cold fly right out of her brain as intense passion obliterates anything else and Amanda is kissing the other woman back with a fervent burst of energy that leaves her stunned and breathless.

When they eventually pull away from one another, limbs shaking and hair wild, Olivia appears just as feverish as she herself is, the older woman's dark eyes shimmering and dilated, her lips swollen and cheeks blooming a bright pink as she tries to catch her breath. The brunette looks like she has something to say but is having difficulty getting the words out again, and Amanda reaches over to massage Olivia's shoulders, digging her fingertips into the tight muscles and trying to get her to relax, her jaw dropping open in astonishment when Olivia is finally able to speak.

"Your assumption was correct, Amanda, and whether my feelings are right or not, I love you too. And I've loved you for a very long time now."

Amanda is utterly speechless for several seconds and all she can manage to do in response is slump forward into Olivia's chest, the other woman letting out a concerned gasp and enveloping her in a tight embrace, Amanda's arms winding around her neck as she presses her damp face into Olivia's hair. She inhales the sweet smell of Olivia's shampoo, trying to ground herself in the familiar scent and slow her racing heartbeat down, determined to find her control once again and have a proper conversation about everything that has transpired over the past few hours, knowing they have so much to discuss about the future.

"We're going to talk after you get some rest okay?" Olivia says softly, as if the older woman is able to read her mind, and Amanda melts even further into her taller frame when she feels a smooth hand slip beneath the blanket to rub her bare back. "You're exhausted and unwell, and I'm going to get into bed beside you and hold you all night while you sleep, and nothing more than that is going to happen. There's plenty of time to talk in the morning, after we decide if you need to see a doctor."

Amanda nods drowsily against Olivia's neck, the patterns that are being drawn on her warm skin already lulling her into slumber even as she remains sitting on the edge of the mattress, leaning heavily against the strong form of the woman she adores. She is aware that Olivia is trying to maneuver her body into the middle of the bed so that she is no longer dangling over the side, both of them giggling when the older woman loses her balance and they go sprawling onto the sheets together, Amanda instantly wrapping herself back into Olivia's arms with no thought of putting on the pajamas that have fallen to the floor.

"I love you so much, Liv," she whispers into Olivia's ear, feeling a tender kiss being pressed to her temple as her eyelids flutter closed and she drifts off into a content sleep.


	9. Episode 20x10

**Sorry for the delay with updating all of my stories. For several different reasons, it's been practically impossible to get any writing done this month. I'm still working on the final updates for "Christmas Confessions" and "Good Girl" but I decided to get back into the swing of things with a much shorter chapter, so here is the next drabble in the series. At this point, I don't know when I'll be able to post again but hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.**

 **I've enjoyed switching up Liv and Amanda's relationship in each chapter (whether they are just friends or have feelings for one another) so in this particular one, they are in an established relationship. There is no connection to any of the previous drabbles.**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x10 ("Alta Kockers")**

 **Genre : Romance/hurt/comfort  
**

 **Rating : T bordering on M  
**

xxxxxxxxxx

The sound of running water greets Olivia's ears as she steps inside the apartment and sets her purse and overnight bag on the floor before shrugging out of her jacket, her entire body sagging with the comfort and relief of being in her girlfriend's home. Tears are still blurring her vision as she drags a shaking arm over her eyes and shuffles wearily toward the bathroom, eager to wrap her arms around the woman waiting for her in the shower and try to forget about their latest case for a little while.

Joseph Edelman had just passed away in the hospital with his brother by his side, the contentious relationship between the siblings coming to an abrupt end after the heartbreaking disclosures of their past. Although Olivia has spent much of this convoluted case feeling annoyed and offended by their behavior, her empathy and compassion for their circumstances had eventually outweighed everything else, and she now finds herself in a state of crushing sadness.

She had texted Amanda from the hospital to let her know what had happened, and then arranged for Noah, Jesse and Frannie to have a sleepover with Lucy at her own place so the two of them can spend some much-needed uninterrupted time together. Along with the anguish that has enveloped Olivia lately, she is worried for the younger woman's health and wants to make sure she is doing okay, Amanda continually pushing to be out in the field when she is supposed to be on desk duty until after the baby is born.

She knocks quietly on the bathroom door before pushing it open and entering the small space, not wanting to startle the figure on the other side of the shower curtain, a smile touching her lips when a flushed face immediately appears between the tiled wall and the slick material. Amanda's long blonde hair is plastered right to her scalp, droplets of water sliding over prominent cheekbones to drip off her chin, the other woman tilting her head in invitation as a return smile curves her mouth and Olivia takes note of the concern shining in those big blue eyes.

"Hey, babe, how're you doing?" Amanda asks gently, an expression of tender worry gracing her beautiful features.

"I've been better," Olivia admits quietly, her heart never failing to melt at the softer side of her girlfriend; a side that Amanda usually reserves for her and the kids and doesn't show very often at the precinct.

"Come in here with me." Amanda holds out a beckoning arm, damp skin gleaming in the bathroom lighting, and that's all it takes for Olivia to start shedding her clothing.

Once she is as naked as Amanda and the younger woman's appreciative gaze has swept slowly up and down her body, a shiver of anticipation runs the length of Olivia's spine, unable to wait any longer to be pressed skin to skin with the love of her life. She takes Amanda's hand and lets the blonde detective help her step over the side of the tub, giving her a warm hug and a lingering kiss as she joins her underneath the soothing spray of water.

Olivia glances down at the bare belly protruding between them before grasping onto Amanda's shoulders and carefully turning her around, her eyelids fluttering closed as she rests her forehead against drenched golden hair and wraps her arms around the shorter form from behind. She lets her hands drift down to Amanda's expanding stomach, rubbing her fingertips in languid circles across the smooth wet skin and feeling the other woman sink back into her embrace with a contented sigh.

They stand there for few moments without speaking, bodies molded tightly together as Olivia breathes in the familiar scent of citrus shampoo and body wash, and feels the tension of their latest case beginning to ebb away as she relishes in Amanda's presence. Being in such intimate physical contact with Amanda, whether they are engaging in passionate sex or simply holding each other for comfort, is something that still stuns Olivia and fills her with an elated disbelief whenever it happens.

Their lives had been completely different several months ago, Olivia having harbored secret feelings for Amanda for quite some time and her hopes of ever revealing them dashed when Amanda had confessed that she was pregnant again. Shockingly, things had moved with lightning speed from that point on, Amanda's surprising revelation followed by an admission of her own deep feelings for her lieutenant and her admittance of engaging in sexual activity with her cheating ex-boyfriend purely out of loneliness and a desperate need for human contact, and not because she wanted to reignite their relationship.

Everything had seemed to fall into place as if it was meant to be, Olivia finally sharing the feelings she had kept locked away for years, wrongly assuming that she would never be able to speak the truth, and the joy of actually being honest with Amanda immediately infusing every aspect of her life and lifting her spirits. Dr. Al Pollock wanted nothing to do with the child he had helped create and Olivia had stepped up right away, promising to be there for Amanda in any way that she needed, the women taking turns visiting each other's apartments with the intention of eventually moving in together and blending their families.

Their romance has been a whirlwind of happy and confusing chaos so far, and occasionally Olivia has to pinch herself in order to be reminded that this actually happening and she is not dreaming as they move at a breakneck pace that would have terrified her if she had been with anyone else. Her first responsibility and concern will always be her son's emotional well-being, making sure that Noah will not suffer any kind of harm from his mother's relationship, but she knows with every fiber of her being that this is right and Amanda is the person she is meant to be with; pleased that the other woman already treats Noah like he is her own.

Olivia feels the same way toward Jesse and Frannie and the soon-to-born baby that is currently turning a slow somersault under her palms, grinning as she listens to the delighted chuckle that Amanda lets out in response. She can't wait to meet the newest member of their clan, already overflowing with love for this tiny person that she hasn't even laid eyes on yet, and nuzzling her nose into Amanda's sweet-smelling neck when the small blonde lays her head back on her shoulder.

"God, this case was awful," the younger woman breathes, their cheeks brushing against each other as Olivia pulls her impossibly closer.

"Yes, it was," she murmurs in agreement, feeling more movement beneath her hands as she continues to caress Amanda's belly, intent on imparting the same amount of comfort and care that the detective is bringing to her. "Honey, I really need you to start slowing down a bit at work and remember that you're supposed to be sitting at your desk instead of joining me out in the field, okay? I want you to start taking better care of yourself."

"Liv, all I did was go to the prison to help you talk to the Edelmans," Amanda protests instantly, Olivia turning her head to the side to observe the frown on the other woman's face. "It's not like I was sprinting down the street in pursuit of a suspect or being held at gunpoint or something. I'm fine."

"I have a much harder time saying no to you than I used to," Olivia admits softly, linking her fingers with Amanda's when a slender pair of hands slide over her own and give them a squeeze. "I worry about you and this little one in here. I want to keep both of you safe."

She taps one fingertip very lightly against Amanda's swollen stomach and feels a slight fluttering motion in return, the strength of her bond with the younger woman and her unborn child already unbreakable after such a short period of time. Amanda's hands tighten briefly around her own again before the blonde turns around in Olivia's embrace and they are standing face to face, the depth of love shining in those expressive blue orbs enough to take her breath away.

"Nothing's going to happen to us, Liv," Amanda says gently, stroking her knuckles along Olivia's cheekbone. "And you do an amazing job of keeping us all safe; Noah and Jesse and Frannie and I, as well as our little peanut. I'm worried about _you_ , sweetheart. I know this case took a lot out of you and you're exhausted and sad, and that's why you wanted us to have this time alone tonight."

"I'm fine," Olivia whispers in reply, echoing the exact same words that Amanda has just spoken, and they laugh quietly while staring into one another's eyes, Olivia aware that there are still some hurdles in their relationship that they need to overcome.

They both have a tendency to try and be strong for the other whenever a case is tough or one of the kids is acting out or something else is going on, not wanting to add more stress to the situation, and she knows they have to continue working on this important issue. She and Amanda are very similar in this sense; each having grown up in homes that were less than ideal, with parents who couldn't take proper care of their children, and the pair of them are so used to being the strong ones in the family that it is a very hard habit to break.

Olivia tilts her head down to press a tender kiss to Amanda's lips, humming into the smaller woman's mouth when Amanda deepens the kiss and begins running slim hands up and down her back, fingers tracing delicate patterns along skin that is slowly getting soaked. They become utterly lost in each other, Olivia swiftly losing track of her thoughts and everything else that she has planned on discussing concerning Amanda's stubbornness at the precinct, moaning into her girlfriend's mouth when Amanda slides her tongue between her lips.

"You're trying to distract me," she gasps out raggedly as Amanda pulls away slightly to trail a line of open-mouthed kisses down the front of her neck, tangling her fingers in saturated strands of blonde hair. "We're supposed to be talking about your behavior at work."

"Hey, you were the one who started kissing me, Liv," Amanda reminds her with a chuckle, Olivia sucking in a sharp breath when the younger woman gently palms one of her breasts, a thumb tracing lightly around her puckered nipple. "I was just following your lead. And I don't want to talk about work, unless it has to do with your feelings on our latest case. My bad behavior can wait."

Olivia takes ahold of the hand that is massaging her breast with a growing urgency and pulls Amanda back against her body, wrapping her arms around the smaller figure and holding onto her tightly. "I love you," she whispers into Amanda's ear, watching as the detective leans back so they are standing eye to eye again, a frown wrinkling the flushed skin on Amanda's forehead.

"Liv, are you okay?" the other woman asks quietly, Olivia blinking back another round of tears as Amanda's hands slide up to grasp onto either side of her face, thumbs trailing in a tender motion along her temples. "I love you too, honey, but you're really worrying me here."

"You were right when you said that I was sad and exhausted," Olivia acknowledges in a low tone as a tear escapes from one eye and slips down her cheek. "This case was just crazy; so confusing that it made my head spin and ending in the worst possible way. I just wish there had been a better outcome. And I know how much you hate desk duty and want to be in on the action, but I'm concerned for you, Amanda. It's obvious that you don't do well with a slower, more boring pace at the precinct, but I need you to try a bit harder, okay? It's not for that much longer and you really need to stick it out at your desk for now."

"Okay, Liv, I promise to do better," Amanda replies immediately, Olivia's eyebrows lifting in surprise at the younger woman's quick agreement, especially after trying to brush it off earlier. "I don't want you to stress so much about this when you're already so tired and out of sorts, and although I don't like to admit it, you're right about the desk duty. I need to stay put until this little one gets here, even at the extreme risk of losing my mind in the meantime."

Olivia gives her a watery smile, rolling her eyes at the dramatic response and letting her hand drift back down to Amanda's burgeoning belly, feeling the detective gently squeezing her upper arms. "Why don't we finish showering and then go snuggle up in bed, okay, Liv? How about I just hold you while you keep talking about everything that's bothering you? Or you can fall asleep, if you'd rather do that. Anything you want, sweetheart, just as long as you're feeling relaxed for the rest of the night."

"That sounds perfect," Olivia answers softly, burying her face in Amanda's shoulder when the younger woman pulls her against her chest and their bodies entwine together beneath the spray of water, so grateful for the enduring love and companionship that she had never expected to find.


	10. Episode 20x11

**Episode : 20x11 ("Plastic")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

 _"Have you ever made love to a woman? Oh, I know you want to."  
_

 _"Do you hate sex? Or are you just scared of it?"_

 _"You've never been in love, have you?"_

Those inflammatory questions are swirling like a tornado through Olivia's mind as she gets ready to head home, thankful that their latest case is now done but unsure if she will be able to stop thinking about the conversations that had been shared in the interrogation room. There is a nervous knot coiled tightly in her stomach and a painful ache weighing heavily on her chest as she acknowledges the eerie ability that one of their suspects had possessed, the younger woman seemingly capable of peering directly into her soul.

Even though she is now alone and doesn't have anyone watching her so intently while trying to poke into her private life, Olivia is distinctly uncomfortable as she moves around her desk and gathers up her things at a sluggish pace. She is distracted by the thoughts and feelings that are usually kept locked away in a dark corner of her brain and pushed so deep down inside that they rarely rise to the surface anymore, Olivia not allowing herself to entertain such ridiculous fantasies about a certain blonde-haired, extremely-pregnant subordinate.

"Hey, any plans for the night?"

Olivia is ripped from her reverie, her chin snapping up in a startled fashion as the woman who is currently occupying her thoughts waltzes right into her office without knocking, Amanda looking just as comfortable in her lieutenant's personal space as she does in her own. She shakes her head and lets out an affectionate sigh as the detective plops down on the couch with a groan of contentment, relaxing back against the cushions and crossing her legs at the ankle like she intends on spending the evening there.

"No, not really," Olivia answers wearily, stepping out from behind her desk and moving closer to the figure sprawled so serenely on the sofa. "Lucy took Noah to the movie theater, so I'm just going to catch up on some work before he gets back. Maybe I'll do some cleaning as well."

"Do you have time to grab a drink before we go our separate ways for the evening?"

Olivia arches a surprised eyebrow in response, planting her hands on her hips and giving a very pointed look toward Amanda's giant belly, the other woman tracing circles around the bump with her fingertips.

"Well, obviously _I_ won't be drinking," Amanda amends with a roll of her eyes and a wave of her hand, an embarrassed laugh escaping her mouth. "It looks like you could use one, though."

"I look that bad, do I?" Olivia replies with an amused chuckle, unsure of whether to be appreciative of Amanda's concern or offended by the comment.

"That's not what I meant, Liv," Amanda huffs out with another roll of her eyes. "I just mean that it looks like you need a listening ear, and it would be nice to have a chat away from the precinct. This case was a bit crazy, wasn't it?"

"That it was," Olivia agrees lightly, peering at Amanda more closely and noticing the pinched features and tired slump of her shoulders, realizing that the younger woman might not be quite as relaxed as she appears to be. "Are you sure it's not you who could use the listening ear, though? Anything you want to talk about?"

"I'm just not..." Amanda blows out a breath, a blush coloring her pale cheeks. "I'm just not too eager to spend time with Dr. Al tonight."

"Oh? And why is that? Trouble in paradise?" Olivia tries to keep her tone even and her expression neutral, not wanting Amanda to sense the faint amount of hope that is immediately followed by a wash of shame, hovering just beneath her words.

"I wouldn't exactly call what we have together 'paradise'," Amanda snickers weakly, the sadness flashing so quickly across her face that Olivia almost misses it. "And no, there's no trouble. I was just thinking about what Dr. Barron said in the interrogation room...about how women are such fragile beings."

"Well, considering he's a rapist and a murderer, I wouldn't put much stock in his opinions on women," Olivia answers wryly, lowering herself onto the cushions so she is perched right next to Amanda. "And if you're referring to yourself here, 'fragile' is the opposite of how I would describe you. You're one of the toughest women I've ever met."

A brief smile touches Amanda's lips before she shrugs and speaks again. "He mentioned that all women have insecurities...and said that I'm worried my body won't return to the way it was before I got pregnant."

" _Are_ you worried about that?" Olivia prods gently, refraining from adding how gorgeous Amanda looks in her pregnant state; the other woman practically glowing and radiating just as much beauty, if not more so, than she usually does.

"Well, sort of," Amanda admits slowly, the blonde biting down on her bottom lip and chewing thoughtfully for a moment. "I just feel so big and bloated now, and I'm not as young as I used to be so it might be harder to take the weight off. After I had Jesse, there was no there to... _impress_. Now Al is here and it doesn't look like he's going anywhere. Maybe he won't be so thrilled if I can't get back into shape quickly enough. And maybe he's not so thrilled with the way I look right now."

"Amanda, if he cares for you and he's there to help raise his child, what you look like shouldn't matter," Olivia explains softly, reaching out to grab hold of the hand that is fidgeting in the detective's lap and giving it a tender squeeze. "And I'm sure it won't take too long for you to get back into shape after the baby is born."

She sucks in a deep breath and decides to plunge ahead, finding Amanda's self-consciousness both endearing and heartbreaking, and eager to assure her that she has nothing to worry about. "And just so you know, you're absolutely beautiful either way. Pregnant or not, you're stunning."

The restless hand that she is holding onto immediately goes still, blue eyes widening as Amanda stares at her in shock, the other woman's voice coming out in a disbelieving whisper when she replies. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispers back, instantly contrite as she tries to pull her hand away but finds her fingers entwined with Amanda's instead, the blonde imparting an answering squeeze. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Why not?" Amanda asks quietly, a golden curtain of hair spilling over one shoulder as she tilts her head to the side while they gaze at each other. "And why are you apologizing for giving me a compliment?"

"Well, it's not exactly an appropriate thing to say to my detective, is it?" Olivia says dryly, a tingle running down her spine when she feels Amanda's thumb tracing light circles across the back of her hand. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Do I look uncomfortable, Liv?"

She sees the smile playing at the corners of Amanda's lips and can't help smiling in return, her stomach executing an anxious somersault as they continue staring intensely at one another. Olivia finds herself wanting to spend more time in Amanda's presence but instead of taking her up on the offer of getting a drink, she suggests grabbing a quick meal after they leave the precinct so Amanda can join in the activity, gratified when she sees the younger woman's eyes light up at the proposal.

Half an hour later, they are seated on opposite sides of a booth at a little Italian restaurant a few blocks away from the station, Olivia watching with amusement as Amanda scarfs down nearly an entire basket of bread by herself. The small detective puts an abrupt halt to her enthusiastic consumption of their appetizer, giving Olivia a sheepish grin as she holds out the container encompassing the only remaining slice.

"Oh, sorry, did you want a piece, Liv?" Amanda speaks around a large mouthful of bread, her voice muffled by the snack, and Olivia can't help letting out a loud laugh in response.

"Thanks, but you seem pretty hungry so I'll let you have it."

"I'm starving _all_ the time," Amanda grumbles as she takes a big gulp from her glass of water before plunking it down on the table, droplets of liquid splashing across Olivia's menu. "That's one of the reasons I'm afraid I won't be able to get back into shape after the baby is born. Eating seems to have become my new favorite hobby, and has taken the place of jogging. Instead of going for a run after a meal, I just eat more food."

"Amanda, did Dr. Barron really get to you that much?" Olivia murmurs in concern, sliding her palm across the sticky surface of the table so she is covering the younger woman's hand with her own again. "I don't recall you worrying about this particular issue at any other point during your pregnancy, or when you were pregnant with Jesse. You're eating for two now, so it's perfectly okay if you eat more than you usually do. I don't think you need to worry about it so much."

"Yeah, he got to me a bit," Amanda admits softly, her eyes trained on the last slice of bread and Olivia ducking her head slightly in an effort to meet her gaze. "They both did, actually. And Sadie...sorry, _Ceci_...she got to you too, didn't she? The stuff that she said..."

"Well, she made me, um..." Olivia trails off and clears her throat, the restaurant suddenly feeling much too warm and a thin coat of perspiration slicking the skin that meets Amanda's, "...a little uncomfortable, yeah."

"Hmm, yup, I could tell." Amanda's eyes lock onto her own when the detective raises her gaze, and they resume the staring contest that had been taking place in Olivia's office earlier.

She observes Amanda closely, taking note of the other woman's body language and expression, Amanda's pupils dilated and the slender hand that twitches in her own, listening to the restless tapping of a foot underneath the table. A hot flush of disconcerting arousal is encompassing her body from head to toe and she gingerly eases her palm away from Amanda's, tucking the sweating appendage into her lap and embarrassed at the amount of moisture greasing her skin.

She wipes her hand discreetly on the leg of her dress pants and clears her throat again, quirking a curious eyebrow at her detective and observing the brief look of disappointment that crosses Amanda's face at the loss of physical contact between them, before her features smooth out again. "You look like you want to ask me something."

"Well, I was just wondering..."

"Wondering what, Amanda?" Olivia's voice comes out more sharply than she had intended and she immediately reaches across the table again to give Amanda's hand an apologetic squeeze, her heart rate picking up speed because she is fairly sure that she knows where this discussion is heading.

"I should probably just keep my mouth shut and only open it again when the food arrives," Amanda chuckles ruefully, both of Olivia's eyebrows raised now and her heart pounding furiously. "Because when you were worried about being inappropriate by giving me a simple compliment...well, that was nothing compared to how inappropriate my questions for you are."

Olivia stifles a sigh as they continue to stare intently at one another, Amanda's hand now feeling just as sweaty as her own but neither one of them letting go. "Does it really matter, Amanda? You don't seem to have much of an issue with invading my personal space or life. You hang out in my office like it's your second home and you have a habit of asking me intrusive questions."

"Invading your personal space?" Amanda snorts with a shake of her head. "You've held my hand three separate times in the past hour, Liv. And you initiated every single one of those interactions, not me."

"I didn't realize you were keeping count," Olivia mutters under her breath, quite chagrined by this acknowledgment but still making no move to pull away. "You want to know the answers to the questions that were asked in the interrogation room, don't you? About my love life?"

Another sheepish grin is stretching across Amanda's face, although there is an apprehensive look in her eye, like she is well aware of overstepping her boundaries and is trying to decide how cautiously to proceed. "We've known each other for a long time now, Liv, and I consider you to be a close and trusted friend by this point. And sometimes friends share things..."

"And sometimes they don't," Olivia replies flatly, yanking her hand back so swiftly that her glass of water almost topples right into her lap, and trying to ignore the hurt expression on Amanda's face. "I'm also your boss, which is something you seem to forget about quite often."

An immense wave of panic is threatening to drown her as Olivia scrambles for something else to say and fights the sudden urge to spring up from the booth and flee the restaurant. She is so head over heels in love with the woman sitting across from her, a woman who is not only her subordinate but is also heavily pregnant with her second child and in the process of moving in with the father of that child. The last thing she wants to do is throw a wrench into Amanda's plans for making a life with this Dr. Pollack, a man she has only heard about but has yet to meet, trying to banish the thoughts of blending their two families together and having a future with the beautiful blonde detective.

She observes the downcast blue eyes and the slump of Amanda's shoulders, the younger woman actually appearing to be on the verge of tears, and Olivia chastises herself for being so harsh. Her extreme anxiety with the situation has overtaken everything else and although she is terrified of letting loose with the secrets she tries so hard to keep locked up inside, the confession is right there on the tip of her tongue, the words begging to be released.

She swallows back her declaration of love and decides to be honest with Amanda, or at least partially so, raising her glass of water to her lips to take a sip of the cool liquid. "You're right, Amanda, we _are_ very good friends and good friends share things with each other. So in answer to the questions that were asked during the interrogation, no, I've never made love to a woman but I've come close a few times, so yes, I've wanted to."

Amanda gives a slow nod in response, her eyes still fixed on the tabletop and her expression unreadable, but when she finally looks up at Olivia and meets her gaze, there is a depth of feeling dwelling there that makes Olivia's breath catch in her throat. "Okay, since we're sharing some personal things here, I'll share something else with you. When Dr. Al said there were no strings attached if we moved in together, he meant it. He has put no pressure on me whatsoever to have a deeper relationship, which I really appreciate, but the problem is that I don't even know how to classify it at this point. I have no idea where we stand. Are we dating? Are we just friends? I'm worrying so much about trying to impress him with the way I look when I don't even know what the hell is going on with us."

Olivia's heart clenches in her chest when she sees a tear rolling down Amanda's cheek, and she has to stop herself from reaching out to hold her hand yet again. "To be perfectly honest, Liv, I have no idea what I'm doing. I want Jesse and this baby to have a nice home and a stable family life, which is something that my sister and I never got to have when we were growing up, but I don't know if I'm going about this the right way. I just want what's best for them, but I feel like I'm letting them down because I'm so confused about everything."

Olivia stands up from the booth and makes her way over to Amanda's side of the table, unable to sit across from the detective that has captured her heart and watch her fall to pieces while she does nothing to comfort her. Amanda slides over on the polished wooden bench to create some space for her and Olivia shifts onto the seat next to the smaller woman, their bodies brushing against each other as she wraps an arm around the blonde's shoulders. Amanda melts right into her side, leaning on her like she is carrying the weight of the world on her slim set of shoulders and it has become too much for her, Olivia tightening her hold around the shaking form.

"And as if everything isn't complicated enough, I seem to have developed feelings for someone who is strictly off-limits, especially after that lecture I just got about forgetting that you're my boss," Amanda whispers guiltily, their eyes boring into each other as Olivia rears back in surprise, her heart practically exploding out of her chest with this revelation. "That's why I was curious what your answers to those questions were. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but I was just trying to get a sense of who you're interested in and what your thoughts are on being with a woman, even though I know it can never happen..."

"You're right, it can't," Olivia replies in a choked tone, stroking her fingertips across Amanda's cheekbone and catching a stray tear with the pad of her thumb, feeling like she is about to start crying herself. "And it's not because I don't share those feelings. I definitely do, but I think you need to get things figured out right now and decide exactly what it is that you want."

"You share my feelings...?" Amanda looks completely stunned, her mouth working but no more words coming out, and it takes her several seconds to find her voice again. "Well, maybe we can talk about this at some point down the road, when things aren't quite so complicated."

"I'd like that," Olivia replies softly, leaning over to place a gentle kiss on Amanda's forehead and trying to push down the swell of hope that keeps rising insistently to the surface, knowing that the timing just isn't right and they can't rush into anything despite her desire to kiss Amanda senseless.

They are startled by the sudden appearance of the waiter to take their dinner orders, Olivia rattling off the name of a tempting meal she had seen on the menu even though eating is the last thing on her mind right now. When they are left alone again, a silence that is more contemplative than uncomfortable descends upon the booth, Olivia lost in thought and realizing that her arm is still looped around Amanda's shoulders, the other woman tucked snugly into her side.

Neither one of them make an effort to move and she wonders how the rest of this evening is going to play out after the intense conversation they have just shared, hoping their friendship will remain intact and the confessions of deeper feelings won't impact their work relationship. Olivia gives Amanda a light nudge with her hip, worried about what is on the younger woman's mind and concerned that the remainder of the meal is going to be quite awkward.

"Are you sure you don't want that last slice of bread, Liv?" Amanda asks quietly, breaking the silence between them and a relieved laugh bubbling up in Olivia's throat as she grasps onto the basket and slides it toward the detective.

"It's all yours."


	11. Episode 20x13

**Episode : 20x13 ("A Story of More Woe")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/drama**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

"Just us. Just family."

Olivia smiles down at Amanda after the younger woman's comments, the hospital room bursting with joy as their squad gathers around the bed, Jesse perched on Carisi's hip and Billie being rocked gently in her mother's arms. There is a notable absence in the large, brightly-colored space, Dr. Al nowhere to be seen despite his baby's recent entrance into the world, and Olivia speculating on the reason for his disappearance.

When Jesse starts squirming and wants to be released from Carisi's hold so she can get down on the floor and sprint from one end of the room to the other in a flurry of hyper excitement, Olivia takes the opportunity to lean in close to Amanda now that the male members of their team are occupied with chasing after the little girl. "I take it you didn't accept Al's proposal, then?"

Amanda shrugs and smooths a hand over the tiny hat on Billie's head, her gaze darting away to focus on the window and the buildings beyond. "Remember when we were in the interrogation room a few months ago, and I said that I didn't love him?"

"Yeah," Olivia replies softly, recalling how one of their suspects had put Amanda on the spot during a very intense conversation back in the fall, the younger woman handling the discussion with grace and control in spite of the deeply personal topic.

"Well, that hasn't changed," Amanda continues quietly, the blonde detective seemingly lost in thought as blue eyes drift away from the window to linger on her daughter's face. "It just didn't seem right to marry him."

Olivia simply nods in response, trying to hide her immense relief and choosing not to give a verbal reply as she squeezes Amanda's shoulder in silent support, intent on keeping her deeper feelings for the other woman a secret. She refrains from asking the questions that are weighing heavily on her mind, wondering what Amanda is going to do now and pondering the extreme awkwardness of the other woman's living situation if she decides to stay with Al for the foreseeable future.

Now is not the time to be putting a voice to such serious concerns; not when the hospital room is alive with happiness and laughter, Jesse letting out a loud squeal as she dodges the playful pursuit of Fin and Carisi, both men making a dramatic show of leaning against the wall to catch their breaths as the three-year-old carries on with her mad dash around the room. Amanda has to warn her child to calm down, amused chuckles escaping Olivia's mouth as she watches the spectacle with fondness, glad that their latest heartbreaking case is over and done with and she is now ensconced in this beautiful scene of family togetherness.

When afternoon turns into evening and Jesse has grown tired and cranky, Carisi offers to stay with her at Amanda's place for the night, Fin also saying goodbye as the older man leaves with his co-worker and the little girl. Olivia calls Lucy to ask if she can remain with Noah a bit longer, unable to tear herself away from Amanda and Billie just yet, and wanting to make sure the younger woman is doing okay after all of the upheaval this day has brought.

Regardless of her best efforts to remain awake and engaged, the severe lack of sleep catches up with Olivia, acute exhaustion getting the better of her and eventually drifting into slumber on the couch when a rare span of quiet descends on the room as Amanda feeds the baby. She flits in and out of strange dreams, rising briefly to the surface of consciousness before being sucked back under once again, aware that she needs to go home to her son but unable to rouse herself enough to move from the comfortable cushions.

When she is finally fully awake again, heavy eyelids cracking open and blurry vision focusing, Olivia is alarmed to see Amanda hunched over in the middle of the hospital bed, soft cries piercing the air as a thin set of shoulders shake vigorously. Billie is sound asleep in an infant cot right next to the bed, the baby blissfully unaware of her mother's distress, Olivia swinging her legs over the side of the couch and springing to her feet in order to hurry to Amanda's side.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" she inquires gently, stroking a tender palm down the back of Amanda's head to smooth through the unruly golden waves. "Are you in pain?"

Amanda doesn't answer, the low whimpering turning into distraught sobs and Olivia's worry heightening by the second as she observes the agony of her detective, her heart aching with compassion and a love that she resolutely pushes down. The younger woman is curled into a ball in the middle of the bed, legs pulled up to her chest and arms wrapped around her shins, forehead resting on her knees as she weeps inconsolably and breathes in short, ragged gasps, seemingly unaware of her lieutenant's presence.

No matter how many times Olivia urges her to explain what's going on, Amanda refuses to respond, the other woman so lost in her anguish that speaking is apparently too difficult, and Olivia makes the swift decision to get on the bed with her. She slides tentatively onto the mattress, positioning herself in the scant amount of space between the pillows and the quivering form of her detective, enveloping Amanda in her embrace from behind as her arms and legs anchor the smaller figure tightly to her body.

She suspects that all of the chaos is finally crashing down upon Amanda; the birth of a second daughter, Al's proposal and Amanda's subsequent rejection, and the reality of raising two children without another parent being present on a full-time basis. From a personal standpoint, Olivia can acknowledge that although she loves her son more than anyone else on the planet and can't imagine her life without him, raising Noah by herself is the hardest thing she has ever done, and is overwhelmed with empathy for Amanda's situation.

"What am I going to do, Liv?" Amanda chokes out, confirming Olivia's assumption that everything is hitting her all at once and she has reached her breaking point. "I'm so happy that Billie is here and I love her so much already, but I have two kids and a dog and no place to go. I can't go back to Al's apartment and I don't even know if we would be welcome there, anyway."

Amanda bends over at the waist as a wave of despair replaces the prior elation, Olivia's heart breaking as she listens to the tormented cries of her detective and the repeated utterances of wanting what's best for her kids. She notices that Amanda's hospital robe has been removed, the strings on the gown she is still wearing untied and hanging loose at the top of the garment, a strip of bare skin exposed on her upper back near the nape of her neck, Olivia taking a chance and laying her hand lightly against it in an attempt to calm Amanda down.

The skin-to-skin action has the desired effect as she rubs tiny circles with her fingertips and murmurs soothing words, assuring her that everything is going to be okay, Amanda's breathing gradually slowing down and her sobs dwindling to a halt. Olivia feels the smaller woman relaxing bit by bit under her gentle touch and moves her hands up to massage Amanda's shoulders, hearing a soft sigh sound in response and debating whether or not to say what's on her mind.

"The four of you are welcome to stay with me until you get things figured out," she offers quietly, feeling Amanda freeze against her and watching the blonde head tilt to the side in deliberation. "I know it'll be very cramped quarters, but I think we can make it work."

"We can't...we can't impose like that, Liv," Amanda stutters out in return, the younger woman sounding in complete disbelief at this proposition. "There's too many of us...it's way too much to ask of you..."

"Well, you're not asking me, are you? I offered," Olivia chides gently, reaching up to ruffle Amanda's hair affectionately. "And even if you did ask, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. You told me earlier that it was just family in this room, and families are there for each other during times of need, aren't they?"

She is painfully aware that neither one of them have many examples of what it's like to belong to a caring, generous family; a group of people who will step in to help when everything seems hopeless and out of control, but since Noah's appearance in her life and the unending loyalty and friendship of her squad, Olivia has finally learned what it means to truly belong somewhere.

She neglects to mention the love she has for Amanda; a love that goes far beyond that of a tightly-knit team or close friendship, not wanting the younger woman to feel pressured or think there are any hidden motives or strings attached to her suggestion. All Olivia wants is for Amanda and her family to feel comfortable and safe; to lessen any stress and help out wherever she can, especially in the initial adjustment period of dealing with a newborn baby.

She has no idea if there are any deeper feelings on Amanda's part and decides that it doesn't matter either way; that even if Amanda feels something more for her, there can't possibly be a worse time to embark on a new relationship. Her top priority is getting Amanda and the kids and Frannie settled in her home, if the younger woman agrees to sharing her apartment for the time being, and Olivia will wait to see how things play out between them, letting nature take its course in whatever way that might be.

Amanda has yet to speak again but Olivia considers it a good sign when the smaller woman slumps back against her body, the detective melting into her chest as she feels slender hands grasping onto her own and lets Amanda wind her arms around her waist. Olivia takes up her previous position of holding onto Amanda securely from behind, clasping her hands lightly above the protruding belly of her friend and relishing in the closeness of the woman she loves.

"Are you sure about this, Liv?" Amanda mumbles doubtfully after they have been sitting molded together for several minutes without a word spoken between them, Olivia rocking the blonde in her arms while casting frequent tender glances at baby Billie, who is still snoozing contentedly next to the bed.

"Yes, I'm sure," she replies firmly, tightening her hold around Amanda and her stomach turning a somersault when the younger woman leans her head back on her shoulder so their cheeks are brushing against one another. "I want you there. And you're welcome to stay for as long as you need to."

Olivia doesn't elaborate on this response; that she wishes Amanda and her family would stay for good, even though she knows the lack of space will probably start to drive them all nuts at some point down the road. She doesn't care about that issue, however; even going so far as to contemplate getting a bigger apartment if Amanda ends up wanting it to become a permanent arrangement. She knows that she is getting way ahead of herself and is planning out a future that may never come to pass, determined to set aside any hopes for a potential romance and just concentrate on being in the present and enjoying Amanda and Billie's company.

Every single thought and concern that are swirling through her mind promptly fly right from Olivia's head when she feels a soft pair of lips pressing into her cheek, Amanda's mouth lingering on her skin for a moment before pulling away so they are looking each other in the eye. Olivia's breath catches in her throat at the sheer depth of emotion she sees residing in those big blue eyes, tears still lingering on Amanda's long lashes but a grateful smile stretching across her face, and a trace of the previous joy returning to her expression and voice.

"Thank you so much, Liv. I think I'll take you up on your offer. I would love to move in with you."


	12. Episode 20x14

**The new episode that just aired is quite possibly my favorite one of the entire series so far. I was completely blown away! I hope Mariska and Kelli have many more intense, emotional scenes together in future episodes.**

 **Trigger warning : There are brief mentions of rape in this chapter, so please be aware of that before continuing to read.**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x14 ("Part 33")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/angst**

 **Rating : T **

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda is in utter disbelief that such a turbulent and disturbing day, filled with emotional extremes, has ended with Olivia Benson sharing her bed.

The two of them are spending some time alone, huddled side by side beneath the covers, Jesse and Billie sound asleep in their respective bedrooms in the apartment Amanda has recently rented after her breakup with Al Pollack, and Lucy staying overnight with Noah at Olivia's place.

This is the fourth building Amanda has lived in since making the move to New York nearly eight years ago, and she can count on one hand the number of times Olivia has paid a visit to any of her homes. And the older woman has certainly never made an appearance in her bedroom before, Amanda observing Olivia's concerning demeanor out of the corner of her eye as they lay there without speaking.

She had been very surprised to hear a knock at her door as the hands of the clock had ticked closer to midnight, wondering if Fin or Carisi had decided to stop by after their particularly gruelling day at the courthouse, and her surprise turning to complete shock upon seeing her lieutenant standing there instead. Olivia's face was leached of all color, her body shaking and her normally sleek, styled hair gathered in unkempt clumps around her shoulders, the other woman meekly requesting if she could come in.

Amanda had ushered her inside without a word, stunned into silence by the sudden appearance of the woman she loves; something she had actually admitted to Olivia earlier that day, but neglecting to confess just how deep that love goes. They haven't said much to one another over the past hour, Amanda tentatively asking how Olivia was doing right after her abrupt arrival, even though it was more than obvious that she wasn't okay.

Olivia had muttered something under her breath about being afraid to fall asleep despite being so tired, another unexpected revelation from a woman who is usually loathe to share such personal information, and before Amanda could even think about what she was doing, she had picked up Olivia's hand in her own and led the older woman into her bedroom. After helping Olivia get situated on the mattress, tucking the blankets around her trembling form and telling the brunette that she would sit on the overstuffed chair in the corner so Olivia wouldn't be alone if she happened to fall asleep, her boss had instantly rejoined their hands, grasping onto Amanda's fingers with an urgency that couldn't be ignored and begging her not to leave the bed.

They have been lying in relative quiet ever since, a few murmured words about their children's recent antics exchanged between them, but nothing on a deeper level, Amanda hoping that Olivia will be able to drift off soon, as she appears to be in desperate need of a long rest. She hasn't even bothered to get changed into a pair of pajamas for the night, the two of them clad in sweatshirts and yoga pants, the outfits comfortable enough to sleep in, although Amanda isn't sure that an extended slumber is in the cards for either of them tonight.

"Why are you afraid to fall asleep?" she finally whispers, her voice breaking the tense silence and sounding overly loud in the hushed atmosphere of the apartment.

"Bad dreams," Olivia mutters in reply, Amanda unable to contain her continuous surprise at yet another truthful admittance, her heart swelling gratefully at the other woman's willingness to be so open with her, but a certain amount of anguish dwelling inside at Olivia's ongoing trauma.

"You don't want to dream about Lewis?" she answers softly, turning her head on the pillow and watching the slight nod of assent.

The same empathy that she had declared to be drowning in for the past several years is rising to the surface to envelop her once again, causing Amanda to reach out and intertwine her fingers with Olivia's, trying to disregard the faint feelings of anger and resentment that are twisted up with it. When Olivia had informed her that she had no idea what pure and utter terror was, Amanda had been taken aback by this inaccurate assumption, too shocked by an observation that was so insanely wrong and listening with rapt attention to the rest of Olivia's agonizing and tragic recount of her time with William Lewis, that she didn't have the heart to correct her.

She tries to push down the complicated feelings that are growing stronger by the second, not wanting to lash out at Olivia when the other woman is experiencing so much emotional turmoil, and blue eyes meeting brown in the darkness when the brunette ceases to speak. Amanda squeezes the limp and clammy digits that are entwined with her own, trying to encourage her to keep talking, but Olivia has fallen silent once more, either unwilling to carry on with the conversation or simply too exhausted to do so.

The raw and painful discussions they had shared at the courthouse several hours prior are swirling through Amanda's brain again; deep, festering wounds from both of their pasts ripped wide open and put on display for one another to assess and pick apart. She lets out an audible sigh at the memories of so many events she would much rather forget; what had taken place inside that overheated room with her squad, the hell she had been made to endure while growing up in such a dysfunctional household, and the pure, utter terror she had felt in the motel room with Charles Patton that Olivia claimed she couldn't possibly know anything about.

"What?" Olivia suddenly inquires softly, and it takes Amanda a moment to realize just how loudly she has sighed.

"Nothing," she mumbles tiredly, using her free hand to rub her drooping eyelids, eager for some sleep but not wanting to drift off while Olivia is so out of sorts beside her and there's a chance that she will open up again.

"Tell me," the older woman urges gently, Amanda feeling a slight tug on the hand that is still attached to Olivia's, her heart leaping in her chest when the brunette shifts closer on the sheets. "I know how hard it was for you today. It was hard on all of us, myself included, which I'm sure you're aware of. But when I saw you breaking down like that, it just..."

"It just what?" Amanda murmurs, tilting her head in curiosity and feeling an ache in her gut when she sees the tears shimmering in Olivia's eyes.

"It ripped my heart to shreds," the lieutenant responds in a voice so low, Amanda can barely hear her. "It kills me to know how much pain you've suffered throughout your life. I'm sorry you had to go through so much when you were a child...and as an adult..."

Amanda bites down hard on her lower lip as she assumes Olivia is making a reference to Patton, her heart pounding furiously and the question spilling from her mouth before she can stop it, the words seemingly desperate to come out. "Then why did you tell me that I have no idea what pure and utter terror is?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have implied that you didn't-"

"You did more than just imply it." Amanda cuts her off sharply, yanking her hand away from Olivia's and trying to ignore the needy, dismayed expression that crosses her features. "You said it outright. Do you really think I didn't feel exactly that way when I was lying beneath Patton in that motel room? When he had my hands pinned above my head and his body covering mine so I couldn't even move? What did you think I was feeling in that moment? Joy? Arousal? Grateful that someone had taken the time to help my sister out of the jam she was in?"

"God, Amanda, _no_ ," Olivia gasps in horror, Amanda instantly regretting what she has just said when the tears overflow and spill down her boss' cheeks. "I would _never_ think any of those things! I was just trying to get you to better understand the situation that Annabeth was in; hoping you could relate to it and see my point of view. I didn't even intend to say all of that...it just came pouring out...and it's because I trusted you enough to confide in you about what happened back then."

"I'm glad you can trust me, Liv." Amanda's voice is ragged as she tries to contain her own tears, swallowing hard against the lump of emotion that has risen in her throat. "But what you said really hurt, even though I've tried to diminish what I went through with him; tried to pretend it didn't matter and I wasn't a victim. But it just felt like you were diminishing it too; like you were casting it aside and dismissing it because what you went through with Lewis was worse."

Olivia stares at her for a moment, her jaw slightly agape and her expression utterly stricken, Amanda's heart seizing in her chest when the older woman begins sliding in the opposite direction across the mattress, moving farther away as if trying to make an escape. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I never meant to make a comparison; to imply that my experience was worse or that yours didn't matter." There is a brief pause, Olivia's face crumpling in on itself and the tears flowing faster now. "This was a mistake. I never should have come here. I think today was just way too much for either of us to handle, and it's all come spilling out. I need to go."

Amanda's swift reflexes have her vaulting across the bed as Olivia swings her legs over the edge, grabbing onto the taller figure from behind and locking her arms around a curvy waist as she presses her nose into thick hair that smells of lilacs. "No, _I'm_ sorry," she whispers vehemently, feeling another surge of regret and prepared to pull away if Olivia struggles in her embrace, not wanting to frighten the older woman or make her feel unsafe in any way.

To Amanda's immense relief, Olivia immediately settles down in her arms and deflates against her, the two of them fused together at the edge of the mattress as Amanda slides her legs alongside Olivia's to anchor the brunette to her chest. She feels Olivia sinking further into her smaller frame, as if every ounce of energy has drained from her body, a weary, drawn-out sigh emitting from her boss' mouth, and despite her regret, Amanda decides to forge ahead now that they have landed on this particular topic again, worried about Olivia's state of mind and needing to know the full truth.

"Did Lewis rape you, Liv?" she asks very gently, her lips pressed to the back of Olivia's head as she speaks and the other woman's sweet-smelling hair muffling her words to an extent.

But Olivia seems to have heard her loud and clear since Amanda instantly feels another shift in the mood and the tension thrumming through the brunette's body, her limbs taut and her muscles coiled tightly. She rocks Olivia from side to side in an effort to soothe her and rests her chin on a trembling shoulder, the bed swaying lightly with the movement.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," Amanda murmurs apologetically into her ear. "I shouldn't have asked. I should have just kept my mouth shut about everything. I didn't mean to make things worse by bringing all of this back up and then trying to make it about me."

"No, it's alright," Olivia says in a hushed tone, the older woman tangling their fingers together again and their joined hands resting against her stomach. "I want to tell you more about what happened. Someday. But I'm just not ready to do it tonight."

"Okay," Amanda replies simply, tightening her hold around Olivia as she tries to impart more comfort and feeling guilty for pressing further on such a volatile subject. "Well, whenever you're ready, just know that I'm always here for you."

"I _do_ know that." There is a noticeable quiver in Olivia's voice, her body shaking with emotion, and Amanda struggles to keep her own tears at bay once again. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she answers softly, bringing a hand up to stroke through Olivia's rumpled, silky hair. "And I know you would do the same for me, if I ever want to talk more about what we discussed at the courthouse."

"In a heartbeat." Olivia's tone is fierce now, turning around in Amanda's embrace so they are sitting face to face, their hands clutching onto each other for balance as they hover on the edge of the mattress. "I'll always be here for you too."

Amanda smiles at her, marvelling at how far they have come in the nearly eight years they have worked together; how much they have grown and how much more open they are with one another now. She used to be so resolute on keeping everything locked up inside, wanting so badly to confide in Olivia about certain things but afraid that she had taken after her mother and Olivia would see the weakness hiding inside, ultimately deeming her unworthy of help or friendship.

They stare at each other in silence for a moment, blue eyes boring intently into brown, the tension that has permeated their entire encounter finally seeming to drain away and a more comfortable quiet settling over the room. Amanda's eyes drift down to Olivia's plump lips and before she can reconsider her next action or think too deeply about it, she leans forward slightly and presses her mouth to the brunette's

The kiss is short and sweet and essentially chaste, a gesture of comfort between two friends who are in desperate need of some tender compassion, with just a hint of something more simmering beneath. They pull away after several seconds, sharing a shy grin before settling back onto the bed together, getting tucked under the covers once again and cuddling close, Amanda revelling in the warmth and safety of Olivia's presence.

"I love you too, you know," Olivia suddenly murmurs offhandedly, Amanda jerking in surprise and feeling a trace of hope as her eyebrows raise high on her forehead with this unexpected admission. "You said it to me earlier today and I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way."

Amanda is unsure of the exact context of this endearment; whether Olivia means she loves her as a friend or if it's something else entirely, and is unable to satisfy her ardent curiosity when she sees that the older woman has finally drifted into a peaceful sleep.

A content smile stretches across Amanda's face as she pulls Olivia impossibly closer, her mind feeling clearer than it has all day and her body relaxing into the sheets. Instead of pushing that tinge of hope deep down inside and descending into her black mood once again, she decides to let that tiny ray of light shine through, pleased when it burns brighter with each passing minute that she holds Olivia in her arms, the soft glow slowly beginning to obliterate the darkness.


	13. Episode 20x16

**Trigger warning : There are mentions of suicidal ideation in this chapter, so please take care while reading. **

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x16 ("Facing Demons")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/angst**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

 _"I've told complete strangers things that I wouldn't even say out loud to the people I love."_

Amanda's somewhat cryptic admission is still ringing in her ears as the blonde detective stands up from the table and walks out of the break room, leaving Olivia with dark, convoluted thoughts and a cold cup of coffee as her only company. Despite her intense worry and anguish for Brian Cassidy, she can't help pondering Amanda's words; wondering what the younger woman has chosen to share with people she doesn't know and what she has held back from the ones she loves.

Olivia slowly gets to her feet and tosses the remainder of her drink into the trash, studying Amanda closely as she strides back into the squad room and tries to talk herself out of what she is about to do. She has plenty to deal with as it is, and certainly doesn't need to add more stress onto a situation that is already complex and emotional enough on its own, but this doesn't stop Olivia from coming to an abrupt halt at her subordinate's desk and gazing down at the golden head of hair that is bent low in concentration.

There is an expression of surprise on Amanda's delicate features when she seems to realize that her lieutenant is standing there and glances up from her work in response, their eyes meeting and a frown wrinkling her forehead as curiosity shines in those bright blue orbs.

"Rollins, can I see you in my office for a minute?"

Olivia's tone is clipped instead of gentle, no room for argument in her voice and not giving Amanda much choice but to follow her as she heads into the next room before the smaller woman can react. She paces in front of her desk with quick, sharp steps, watching as Amanda enters the office with noticeable wariness and alarm in her expression and body language, the detective closing the door behind her.

Olivia's mind is a whirlwind of distressing thoughts and deep reflection as she considers how plausible it is to spend so much time with someone but not really know them at all; that the other person can make the decision to conceal giant, important chunks of their life and allow their loved one to see only what they want them to see. She recalls the raw, heated conversations that had been shared among her team at the courthouse recently, remembering with fondness how Amanda had told her that she loved and respected her, but a knot of dread taking up residence in Olivia's stomach when she contemplates how much Amanda has kept hidden from her.

"What's going on, Liv?" Amanda is still poised at the door with a look of utter confusion on her face, which is understandable to Olivia, considering they had only spoken a few moments ago.

"I just wanted you to expand on something that you mentioned in the break room," Olivia explains as she softens her voice from the sternness she has just been displaying, wanting to put Amanda at ease and determined to get her brain to stop racing in wild circles.

Amanda's perplexity only seems to deepen at this request and Olivia continues speaking, motioning for the younger woman to take a seat on the couch. "You said that you've told strangers things you wouldn't tell the people you love. Would you care to elaborate on that?"

"Oh, don't worry about it," Amanda replies with a casual wave of her hand, although Olivia doesn't miss the brief flash of panic in her eyes as the blonde lowers herself onto the cushions. "I was just trying to get you to see things from Cassidy's point of view, so I used myself as an example. I'll admit that we don't really see eye to eye on a lot of stuff, but I do understand his reasons for confiding in Stone instead of you or someone else that he's known for just as long. Sometimes it's just easier that way."

"Well, I'm here if you ever want to confide in me, okay?" Olivia offers quietly as she sits down beside Amanda. "Even if it's not the easiest thing for you to do, I'll always be here and I'm always ready to listen."

"Where is this coming from, Liv?" Amanda looks distinctly uncomfortable now, shifting positions on the couch as her gaze slides away to focus on the floor. "I don't think this is the best time to be talking about anything that I've gone through in my life. You have enough to deal with right now. I know Cassidy is your priority."

"He _is_ a priority, but so are you," Olivia says firmly, horrified to find her eyes welling with tears and blinking rapidly to keep them at bay.

"Will you please tell me what's going on?" Amanda asks softly, laying a tender hand on her arm as their eye meet again. "Are you okay?"

"It's just..." Olivia trails off, feeling overwhelmed with emotion and watches as Amanda gives her an encouraging nod. "You and Cassidy have got me thinking about things...about how common it is to keep secrets from the people you love and how easy it is to miss the signs that something is terribly wrong, even if you're close to that person and see them on a daily basis. Amanda, you and I are close now, so much closer than we used to be, and I can't help but wonder if I'm missing something with you too, especially after what you just said..."

"You're not missing anything, Liv," Amanda assures her with a gentle smile, Olivia feeling a slight pressure on her arm as slender fingers impart a comforting squeeze. "I'm fine, I promise."

"But you haven't always been fine, have you?" Olivia murmurs in concern, tilting her head to the side as they regard each other intently. "You've been through a lot in your life."

"I have, yes," Amanda acknowledges slowly with another nod, but this time the gesture is jerky and more hesitant. "But so have you, Liv. We all have, to some degree, right? Everyone goes through shit in their lives. I don't think it's possible for life to just be smooth sailing all the time. And it's definitely not possible to catch every single thing that is going on with someone else. There are certain things that people keep to themselves and you can't ever know a person completely, for who they truly are. It just doesn't work that way. Everyone has a bit of mystery to them."

"I feel like I should have seen what was going on with Cassidy, though," Olivia insists as she is swamped with an immense wave of guilt, one of many that have been hitting her lately. "It's making me question my relationships with everyone, especially those I'm closest with. What else have I been missing?"

"Liv, when you said that it can be easy to miss the signs with someone you're close to, you and I haven't always been close," Amanda points out gently. "When I was going through some of my worst times, we weren't exactly friends. And there are certain things that are hard to admit to someone who is your superior. It's like there's a line that shouldn't be crossed when it comes to talking about the super personal stuff."

"I guess this has just sent me into a bit of a downward spiral," Olivia confesses softly, her heart thumping hard inside her chest. "I'm panicking at the thought of missing something important and wondering what the people I'm closest to have been dishonest about."

"Sometimes it's not about dishonesty, though. It's about privacy and wanting to keep certain details to yourself." There is an extended pause that is rife with tension, the younger woman sitting rigidly on the cushions and looking as if she is about to spring to her feet to make an escape. "I don't know what else you want me to say," Amanda finally mumbles with a shrug, biting down on her lower lip and glancing away.

"You don't have to say anything," Olivia sighs heavily with a trace of regret in her voice. "I'm sorry for putting you on the spot like this. I didn't mean to make you anxious or violate your privacy. I just know that you've been in situations that are somewhat similar to what Cassidy has gone through, and after you said what you did in the break room, it just got me thinking..."

She trails off again when she notices that Amanda is now perched so close to the edge of the couch that she is in danger of slipping off, her head drooping down and long blonde hair creating a curtain around her face, Olivia straightening up and shuffling over so they are sitting closer to one another. "Hey, what is it? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Amanda mutters unconvincingly, still avoiding her gaze when Olivia tentatively pushes her hair back and tucks the golden strands behind her ear so she can see her detective's expression. "I just wish I'd never said that because now it's got me thinking of things I'd rather forget."

"I'm sorry," Olivia says in a heartfelt tone, her fingertips grazing lightly across Amanda's cheekbone before she drops her hand into her lap. "I really am, Amanda. I didn't mean to drag up any ghosts from the past. I overstepped my boundaries and I shouldn't have."

"You didn't, Liv." Amanda's lip turns up slightly at the corner in what might pass for a smile. "God knows, I've certainly overstepped my boundaries with you more than once over the years, so you should be entitled to ask a few questions if you're concerned about me."

Olivia blinks in surprise at this unexpected response, taking the chance and sliding an arm carefully around Amanda's shoulders when she sees the small figure begin to shake. "Well, I'm definitely concerned," she murmurs into her ear. "If you want to talk about anything, I'm right here. But if you'd rather not, I'll back off, okay? I won't pressure you."

"You don't have to back off," Amanda whispers almost inaudibly, Olivia overcome with surprise yet again when she feels the shorter form of her detective leaning into her side, adjusting her hold on the younger woman by wrapping her other arm around her waist and clasping onto her tightly.

"Okay, I won't," she whispers back, the two of them sitting together in silence while Olivia waits for Amanda to gather her thoughts.

The quiet stretches out for so long between them that Olivia begins to wonder if Amanda is going to continue speaking or if she has decided that she doesn't want to take this discussion any further, resolving to do exactly what she had said she would and not put any pressure on her to talk. She can feel the slight trembling in Amanda's body growing stronger by the minute and gives a worried frown, tightening her grip around the other woman's slim figure and hoping Amanda will open up to her while they have this time alone in the office.

"My life is a lot different now, but I used to be able to find better connections with random people at the bar than with the people I saw every single day," Amanda finally begins to explain softly, Olivia's heart aching at this revelation and wishing they had always been as close as they are now. "Back then, I wasn't so different from Micah Fuller."

"I know you were both hurt by an authority figure; someone you should have been able to trust," Olivia says sorrowfully, but Amanda cuts her off before she can continue speaking.

"That's not exactly what I mean." The detective's voice is low and tremulous, and when Amanda finally lifts her head to make eye contact again, Olivia is stunned at the depth of anguish residing in those big blue eyes. "I mean that I seriously considered taking my own life after what happened with Patton."

Olivia stares at her in shock, rendered speechless at this declaration and sits there in stricken silence for several seconds before she is able to find her voice again. "I am so sorry you were in that much pain, Amanda."

"Yeah, it was pretty bad for awhile," the small blonde admits quietly. "Going to the bar was like a therapy session for me. I could admit things to perfect strangers that I would never dare say to anyone else. I know it wasn't the healthiest way to deal with my issues, but obviously it worked because I'm still here."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Amanda." Olivia's voice is hushed and broken, the agony and regret for her past actions threatening to swallow her whole. "I know we weren't on the best terms at that point, but I should have tried harder with you. I should have done more."

"It's okay, Liv, don't beat yourself up about it." Amanda repeats what she had said during their conversation in the break room. "Even if we had been closer, I doubt I would have said anything to you. That's the whole point of seeking out strangers to talk with instead. There aren't any consequences with that sort of encounter. You drink and chat for a few hours, and once in awhile you spend the night together if it goes in that direction, but then you never have to see each other again if that's what you want. Sometimes I just needed to talk and get it out of my system and then never speak of it again. And other times I didn't even seek someone out for that specific purpose; the words just came pouring out once I had consumed enough alcohol. I'm guessing it's the same way for Cassidy."

"Do you still have those kinds of thoughts, Amanda?" Olivia asks quietly, a knot of fear forming in her stomach as she wonders yet again if Cassidy is also thinking along these lines; if he is making plans to end his life the way Micah Fuller had, and if Amanda still considers this to be an option as well.

"No, Liv. I haven't thought that way for a long time now, I promise." Both of Amanda's hands are now gripping onto her own as they slump together on the cushions, Olivia allowing herself to feel a hint of relief at this firm assurance. "I had those urges for awhile after Patton hurt me in Atlanta, and again when he came to New York, but things have gotten a lot better since then. My gambling addiction is under control and I have two daughters who mean the world to me. I also have a boss who has become my best friend and cares enough about me to make sure I'm doing okay, even when she has more than enough to worry about already."

A tear slips from Olivia's eye at this passionate speech from a woman who is generally not so eager to share such personal information, but has been divulging more of her private life and thoughts to Olivia recently, thankful yet again at how close they have become over the past couple of years. "I'm glad you're not thinking that way anymore, Amanda, but if you ever start having those urges again, please don't hesitate to come to me. I want you to be able to get the help you need, and I want the same for Cassidy as well. I know you said that it's not on me to take care of him, but I can't help wanting to do just that. And I wish I had taken care of you too, after what you went through with Patton."

Amanda smiles softly at her and reaches up to wipe away another tear that is lingering on her lower lashes, Olivia's heart melting at this sweet gesture and catching Amanda's hand in her own. "I know, Liv. But the stuff that happened with me is in the past and neither of us can go back and change that. The situation with Cassidy is happening right here and now, so just concentrate on one thing at a time, okay? You can only handle so much at once. And if you're really concerned that he might do what Micah did, maybe it's better to keep pushing instead of backing off. Maybe I was wrong to tell you otherwise. You never know what's going on inside someone else's head, so just go with your instincts and do what you think is right."

Rather than giving a verbal response, Olivia simply nods and gathers Amanda impossibly closer, not trusting herself to speak until the extreme emotion that is simmering just below the surface begins to dissipate somewhat and she is capable of having a conversation without feeling the need to bust into tears. She leans over and plants an impulsive kiss on Amanda's forehead, still reeling from the younger woman's stunning admission and trying not to fixate on how close she had come to losing someone who means so much to her.

Olivia can only hope that Cassidy is not travelling down the same dark path that Amanda had, and is now more determined than ever to support him through this challenging period of his life, resolving to do everything in her power to help him see that a brighter future awaits.


	14. Episode 20x17

**It kind of seemed like Liv was in a bad mood in the newest episode (in my opinion, anyway), a little snappish and sarcastic at times, so I wanted to expand on that in this chapter and explore it a bit further.**

 **I'm still working on the second chapter of "Tender Loving Care" so hopefully I can get it completed and posted at some point soon.**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x17 ("Missing")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship **

**Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda is slumped on the couch, flipping aimlessly through the TV channels as she winds down after their latest disturbingly twisted case has come to a close, looking forward to spending the weekend away from the precinct. Jesse and Billie are both sleeping soundly in their rooms and Frannie is snoozing on the floor at her feet, Amanda unsure of what to do with herself now that she finally has some quiet, alone time.

It is a rare occasion when not only are all three members of her family slumbering at once, but her phone seems to be asleep as well; no texts or calls from her squad regarding a case they are working on, no messages from Olivia inviting them to a playdate with Noah, no offers from Carisi to come over and cook dinner, no stupid jokes from Fin that get sent every so often in an effort to make her laugh.

Amanda throws a glance at the silent device that is perched beside her on the end table and contemplates sending Olivia a text to see how she is doing, aware that her boss is less than pleased with the way their most recent case had ended. The older woman had been uncharacteristically moody and sarcastic during the investigation, snapping at everyone and opting to insert herself into yet another hostage situation, going inside the bodega alone to take down a perp with a knife, and Amanda can't help but worry and wonder if something serious is going on.

She reaches toward the phone and drums her fingertips against the case for a moment, lost in thought as she twirls the device around and then picks it up, scrolling through the list of names on the screen until she reaches Olivia's. She doesn't want to disturb the other woman if Olivia is spending time with Noah or simply wants to be left alone for the weekend, but Amanda's curiosity and concern get the better of her as she begins tapping out a message.

 _"Hey, Liv, what are you up to?"_

She feels strangely nervous as she awaits a reply, jumping slightly when a return message comes through right away, and frowning down at the sparse answer.

 _"Not much."_

Amanda rolls her eyes and tries to think of something else to say, eager to keep the conversation going but unwilling to admit to her reasons for reaching out; that not only is she worried about Olivia, but she also doesn't know how to be alone anymore without the near-constant chaos of work and family. She pauses for a moment, giving Olivia a chance to compose more than just a two-word sentence and perhaps ask what her detective is doing as well, but the screen has gone black again and there doesn't appear to be a second message forthcoming.

 _"Well, I'm just sitting here by myself, hoping to find something half decent to watch on TV but there doesn't seem to be anything good on tonight,"_ Amanda types out, as if Olivia has actually expressed an interest in how she is occupying her time now that they are both off the clock.

She stares down at her phone, hoping Olivia will respond and they can have an actual discussion instead of this grating, one-sided small talk, sighing when there is no immediate answer and reaching over to put the device back on the end table. It buzzes in her hand before she lets go of it, Amanda's eyes lighting up and eager to read the new message, smirking in both amusement and frustration at yet another short reply.

 _"That doesn't sound like a very exciting evening."_

 _"It's not,"_ she writes back quickly, her fingers flying over the screen. _"It's painfully boring, actually. Please tell me you're doing something more exciting than I am."_

 _"Nope,"_ is the single word that Amanda receives in reply, gritting her teeth and wondering if she should just give up and leave Olivia alone for the night, when another message comes through right on the heels of the previous one and has her eyebrows lifting in surprise.

 _"Are you okay, Amanda?"_

 _"Yeah, I'm fine. Well, besides being bored to death and having a hard time winding down,"_ she answers after her fingers pause against the screen for a few seconds, a confused frown creasing her features. _"Why are you_ _asking me that, Liv?"_

 _"Because you don't normally text me just to make idle chitchat. There's usually a purpose to your messages."_

Amanda rolls her eyes again and sighs heavily at this blunt response, refraining from mentioning that there actually _is_ a specific purpose to these texts, but it has nothing to do with her own mental state and everything to do with the lieutenant who seems to occupy her thoughts more often than she should. She can privately acknowledge a definite attraction when it comes to Olivia; the attraction simmering inside for as long as she can remember, but that it has gone far past the point of a mere crush now, exploding into some deeper feelings that she can't decide whether to share or keep to herself.

This isn't her motivation for contacting Olivia, however; she is not one of those lovesick women who need to be in constant communication with the object of her affection, but is genuinely worried about how Olivia is doing. She knows the older woman tends to take their cases to heart, especially when they involve children or if they don't have an entirely positive outcome; certain circumstances, like the kind they had just dealt with, too tragic and hard to bear and not wrapped up succinctly so that everyone can move on and begin to heal.

Olivia has just seemed out of sorts lately, residing in a cloud of gloom, and Amanda decides to plunge ahead and be honest with her when she writes back. _"I was actually about to ask you the same thing, Liv."_

 _"Ask me what?"_ The older woman's reply is swift and although Amanda can sense a growing annoyance, even through the phone, she chooses not to back down, instead providing an instant answer to the question.

 _"If you're okay."_

 _"Why wouldn't I be okay?"_ Olivia's responding text is just as quick, and Amanda sucks in a deep breath, aware that the brunette doesn't like to be called out whenever her behavior is a bit off, but not intending to put a stop to the conversation now.

 _"I don't know, you tell me. You just seemed kind of grumpy and tired during our latest case. Actually, you've seemed liked that for awhile now."_

 _"Grumpy and tired?"_ is the immediate return comment, and Amanda can picture Olivia arching a perfectly sculpted eyebrow while staring at her phone in irritation. _"You make it sound like I'm a toddler in need of a_ _nap or a time-out."_

Amanda shakes her head and chuckles softly, elaborating somewhat in her next text. _"You were snapping at_ _us some of the time and seemed to be in a bad mood, so I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay and nothing is wrong."_

 _"I'm your boss. I'm supposed to snap at my squad from time to time. It comes with the job."_ There is a brief pause before she receives another message. _"Is this because I congratulated you for having blue_ _eyes?"_

Amanda bursts out laughing at this inquiry before clapping a hand over her mouth, listening for any indication that she has awakened her children and breathing a sigh of relief when there is only silence, aside from Frannie shifting into a more comfortable position on the floor. _"No, Liv, it's not because of that._ _I've just noticed how unhappy you seem...you put yourself into another dangerous situation out in the field...I care about you a lot and I'm worried, okay?"_

Amanda's laughter fades and the smile drops away from her face as she types out her latest message, the explanation slightly convoluted as she tries to get her point across, and then anxiously awaiting a reply, her heart clenching in her chest when the screen fades to black and the phone is silent in her hand.

"Well, _fuck_ ," she mutters under her breath, wondering if she has taken this discussion too far by making Olivia aware of some of the disconcerting behavior that she has observed, and hoping it doesn't seem like anything more than what a concerned friend would do.

She had slipped up a few weeks ago during that gruelling day at the courthouse, informing Olivia that she loved her and respected her more than anyone she has ever met, but the other woman hadn't addressed those comments since their conversation had taken a sharp turn right afterwards and they had ended up screaming at each other. Amanda hasn't brought it up again, just assuming that Olivia had taken those remarks as something that a good friend would say, the brunette probably having long forgotten about them by now.

She practically falls off the couch in shock when her phone begins ringing in her hand, the shrill sound shattering the silence of the apartment, and scrambling to answer it as Frannie's head lifts from the floor and the dog fixes her with an accusing expression before flopping back down again with a huff. Olivia's name is flashing across the screen and Amanda tilts her head to the side as she says hello, listening once again for any signs that her kids have been disturbed by the noise and hoping they will remain asleep.

"You don't have to worry about me," is the soft response to Amanda's greeting, Olivia's voice sounding weary but without any trace of the annoyance she has expected to hear. "I'm fine, Amanda."

"Okay," she replies quietly, unsure if she should argue with this statement or not, although she is positive that it's untrue. "If you say so, Liv."

"You don't believe me?" Olivia's voice is small and hurt, the usual confidence in her tone now absent, and Amanda has the sudden ridiculous urge to wake her family up, get them dressed and bundled into the car, and drive over to Olivia's apartment to give the older woman a hug.

"I don't know," she answers uncertainly, her own confidence flagging now and feeling oddly anxious as she speaks to Olivia in the Friday night hush; this little chat feeling much more intimate without the screeching of their children or the chatter of their teammates or the yelling and crying of the perpetrators and victims they deal with on a daily basis. "All I know is that it doesn't seem like you've been doing very well lately. Not just with this case, but finding out what happened to Cassidy when he was a kid, and testifying against Annabeth Pearl after talking to me about Lewis. There's just been a lot going on."

Amanda chastises herself for bringing William Lewis into the conversation, knowing how unimpressed she would be if Olivia suddenly brought up Charles Patton in the middle of a discussion, but the monster that Olivia had been forced to deal with years before is a part of everything that's been happening recently. There has been an air of discontent swirling around the brunette for the past while, to point where Olivia seems to be downright depressed at times, and Amanda suspects that it's a mixture of everything she has just mentioned, and likely much more, that is coming into play and causing her boss such distress.

She longs to repeat what she had said that day at the courthouse; that she loves Olivia, and this time make absolutely clear that the other woman knows just how deep that love runs, but rather than spilling her deepest secret at such an inappropriate moment, Amanda simply assures her that she is willing to listen if Olivia wants to talk. She gently reminds the brunette that although certain aspects of their latest case hadn't turned out the way they would have preferred, the most important thing is that Bailey Shaw is safe and sound, the little girl at home with two fathers who love her.

Amanda chews on her lip as she awaits a response from Olivia, frowning again when there is silence on the other end of the line and straightening up on the couch when she thinks she hears a light sniffle.

"Liv, are you crying?" she ventures softly, wanting to tread carefully and not give Olivia a reason to end the discussion and hang up.

"What's wrong, honey? Talk to me," Amanda pleads quietly when the older woman doesn't give a verbal answer but sniffles more loudly, her heart aching and wishing they were in the same room together instead of just talking on the phone.

"I've been thinking a lot about our latest case, and how sometimes things just don't work out the way you hoped they would." Olivia's voice has fallen to a whisper when she finally speaks, Amanda straining to hear her boss' low, gravelly words. "When Diane Brown was leaving the prison after telling me Kevin wasn't her brother anymore, she mentioned something else that has stuck with me. She said people aren't broken pieces of a vase that you can put together with crazy glue. And she's right, you know. Some people or situations just can't be fixed that easily...or at all."

"Liv, what are you talking about?" Amanda murmurs urgently, concerned at the turn this conversation has taken and the note of dejection in Olivia's tone.

"Sometimes I just feel broken, Amanda. And I don't know how to fix myself."

"Oh, Liv..." Her voice trails off at this surprisingly vulnerable and unexpected confession, wishing she was able to reach right through the phone and pull the other woman into her arms, desperate to soothe whatever is hurting her.

"You were right when you said there's been a lot going on lately," Olivia continues in a mumble, Amanda perched on the edge of the cushions now, one leg jiggling up and down as she listens intently. "I've had a lot on my mind and everything has been so mixed up in my head...our cases, Annabeth's trial, Lewis, Cassidy, Noah...just lots of things to think about and worry about and wonder about..."

"I know how it is when you have so much stuff crammed into your head that it feels like you're about to explode from the stress of it all," Amanda commiserates quietly, reaching down to run her hand over Frannie's spiky fur as they chat. "But why does that make you broken, honey? It's normal to be stressed out when you've had a lot of serious issues to deal with."

"I just feel like I can't handle things as well as I used to, like everything that's happened in the past has made it harder to cope." Another sniffle crackles across the line, and Amanda can't be entirely sure but she thinks she can detect a faint whimper that follows. "I feel like a failure most of the time, so I'm trying to prove that I'm not."

"You're not a failure, Liv." Amanda's voice is soft and heartfelt as another whimper pierces the air, but this time the noise is coming from her own apartment and she throws a glance toward Billie's bedroom door. "And you're not broken either. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. I think you just need to sort through some things and get some stuff figured out. Is there anything I can do to make things a bit easier for you? Can I help in any way?"

"I don't know." There is a noticeable hesitation in Olivia's tone when she speaks again, as if she is unused to being this open and honest about her life and is unsure of how to feel about it, Amanda's heart leaping at her next words. "I have to admit that I wish you were here right now, though. I could use the company."

"Well, you might just get your wish," Amanda replies wryly as Billie's whimpering turns into a full-fledged scream and Jesse calls out from her own room, the little girl sounding very indignant at her younger sister interrupting her sleep. "How do you feel about a slumber party to kick off the weekend? Both kids just woke up and I need to feed Billie, but we can head over right afterwards, if you can manage to squeeze us all in for the night."

"Oh no, Amanda, that's not necessary. I shouldn't have said anything," Olivia is quick to protest, Amanda shaking her head and smirking at her pet as she gets off the couch to tend to her daughters' needs, watching as Frannie immediately leaps up from the floor to join her and lets out a sharp bark of excitement as her paws click along the tiles, the canine apparently ready for a party. "You don't have to go to all that trouble."

"It's no trouble at all," Amanda assures her, even though she is aware that packing everything her family will need for an overnight stay and then transporting them all to Olivia's place where space is quite limited, won't exactly be an easy task. "I can get everyone settled back down once we arrive and then you and I can talk some more, okay? Being able to sit face to face in the same room is a lot better than what we're doing right now, isn't it?"

Billie is red-faced and wriggling, shaking her tiny fists angrily when Amanda reaches her bedroom and leans over the crib to soothe her hungry baby, running a tender hand over soft wisps of blonde hair as she prepares to say goodbye to Olivia. They are quickly joined by Jesse, who stumbles into the room with long hair sticking out at odd angles around her head, rubbing her eyes and asking if she can have a cookie, Amanda smiling and shaking her head again, figuring this is officially the end of her quiet time and not feeling the least bit unhappy about it.

She wants to make sure her children are fed and comfortable before coming to Olivia's aid, hoping the older woman will say yes to the impromptu sleepover, and a relieved grin stretching across her face when the brunette tentatively agrees to the visit. Amanda is eager to continue providing a listening ear and perhaps some physical comfort, if Olivia will let her, anxious to wrap her lieutenant in a tight embrace and hold her close in an effort to ease some of her anguish.

There is a small part of her that wants to confess her true feelings and let Olivia know how loved she is, how it goes so much deeper than friendship for her, but Amanda reminds herself that now is not the right time; not while Olivia is experiencing so much emotional turmoil and needs a shoulder to lean on. There is plenty of time in the future to reveal her long-simmering feelings, if that's what she ultimately decides to do, but whether she chooses to share them with the other woman or not, Amanda is determined to make sure that Olivia is never alone in her sadness and will always be there for the woman she loves.


	15. Episode 20x17 Part 2

**I got a few requests to continue the storyline from the previous chapter, so this is the second part. Thank you for the reviews! :)**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x17 ("Missing") Part 2 **

**Genre : Hurt/comfort/romance**

 **Rating : T**

xxxxxxxxxx

"Well, here we are, Liv. The Rollins clan has officially arrived, and three quarters of this family are ready to put an end to your quiet Friday night."

Amanda is only half joking as she ushers her unruly herd into Olivia's apartment, gratified to see the older woman crack a tired smile at this statement but intent on reigning in the explosion of chaos from her children and pet before they wake up Noah. She has had to leave all of their overnight belongings in the car and will need to hurry down to collect everything once the kids have settled to the point where she feels like they will be okay to stay with Olivia and not become upset by their mother's short absence from a home that is not their own.

Amanda shuffles into the living room with a wiggling Billie perched in the crook of her arm and Frannie's leash clutched tightly in her hand while Jesse hangs off one of her legs, the little girl giggling madly every time Amanda takes a step and groans at the weight of everyone attached to her. It has not exactly been an easy trip to her lieutenant's apartment this late at night, especially considering she had needed to give Billie a bottle before they left and Jesse had begged repeatedly for a cookie, Amanda relenting and letting her have a small treat to avoid any meltdowns.

It had taken quite some time to gather everything they would need for their short stay at Olivia's place, Amanda sighing inwardly as she thinks of the mountain of items that are waiting to be unpacked from the trunk of her car, unable to believe the sheer amount of stuff required for a single-night visit. One look at Olivia's grateful face has made the difficult trip worth it, though; the older woman immediately taking Billie from her arms and planting a soft kiss on a pudgy cheek before snuggling the baby close to her chest.

Jesse and Frannie instantly begin clamoring for the same type of attention and affection that Olivia is bestowing upon Billie, Amanda shaking her head and making sure the other woman can handle everyone before sneaking back outside, smirking at the previous concern of her family becoming upset with her brief escape from the apartment. She throws a glance over her shoulder as she steps into the hallway, a grin stretching across her face when she observes Olivia's gentle and playful interactions with her kids and dog as the brunette leads the small group to the couch, letting Jesse climb onto her lap to sit with Billie and bending over to scratch Frannie's head once they are seated.

Amanda rushes down to the car and unloads their overnight bags and various other items they will need during their stay, making sure not to linger too long before hastening back upstairs to relieve her boss. Upon her second entrance into Olivia's apartment, she is greeted with another hyper child as Noah has joined the crowd while she was gone, the little boy gleefully announcing that they had woken him up and he's perfectly fine with staying awake for the rest of the night.

Amanda catches Olivia's eye and they share a smile while simultaneously shaking their heads, knowing that definitely won't be happening and informing Noah that staying awake all night is not an option, as they begin trying to get everyone calmed down. The process is a long one and takes a certain amount of creativity when it comes to figuring out where they are all going to sleep, but eventually the kids are quiet and Frannie has sprawled out across the floor of the living room, the canine seemingly content with spending the night in a different apartment as she dozes by the couch.

Amanda's eyelids are drooping heavily when she is finally slumped next to Olivia on the cushions and holding onto a glass of wine that she is pretty sure she is too tired to drink, chuckling softly when the older woman takes the glass from her and sets it on the coffee table.

"I don't want red wine all over my couch when you lose your grip and it spills everywhere," the brunette explains quietly, her lip turned up at the corner in amusement. "Trust me, it's a bitch to clean."

"I'm familiar with trying to get different types of booze out of my couch cushions," Amanda snickers as she sinks a little further into the comfortable piece of furniture, trying not to fall asleep when she is enveloped in softness. "Thanks for rescuing the wine for me."

"You should go to bed," Olivia says gently, leaning over to place her own glass next to Amanda's. "You look exhausted."

"So do you, Liv," Amanda points out lightly, nudging the other woman's calf with her foot. "But I'm not going to bed until you do. The whole point of coming over here wasn't for me to go right to sleep; it was to listen while you talk."

"Can I talk too?" a mischievous little voice suddenly pipes up, and they turn around to see Noah's face peering over top of the counter in the kitchen.

"No, you may not," Olivia replies sternly, although Amanda observes the affectionate smile on her face while she regards her son. "Back to bed with you, mister. You did quite enough talking earlier when everyone got here."

"But they woke me up," Noah answers with a pout, crossing his arms over his chest and nodding in Amanda's direction. "That wasn't my fault."

"Sorry, bud, you're right. That was definitely our fault, not yours," Amanda agrees as she rubs her knuckles over her eyelids and wills herself to stay awake for just a little while longer. "We were pretty loud coming in here, weren't we? The girls and Frannie still need to learn when it's time to be quiet. But your mom and I just need to chat by ourselves for a bit and then we'll be going to bed too."

"But I wanna stay up with you," Noah whines as he stomps his foot on the floor and earns himself a warning look from his mother as Olivia stands up from the couch.

"I'm going to get him tucked back in," the older woman explains, gesturing back to the coffee table as she strides toward Noah. "Feel free to finish your drink if you think you're capable of holding onto it. I don't want to find my couch soaked in red wine when I come back out here."

Amanda snorts in response as she watches her lieutenant take Noah's hand and lead him into his bedroom, deciding to take another careful sip of her wine before settling into the cushions again and letting her eyelids flutter closed. She had been wide awake back at her own apartment, bored and restless and looking for something to entertain herself with, but the trip to Olivia's place seems to have sapped every last ounce of her energy.

Despite her best efforts to remain alert and keep from drifting into the beckoning arms of slumber, Amanda can't fight it any longer and lets the darkness claim her, feeling very much at home in the apartment of the woman she loves. Just before slipping beneath that black veil of unconsciousness, she feels the weight of a furry head come to rest on her foot, happy that Frannie has scooted closer to her on the floor and listening to her pet grunting sleepily.

Amanda jolts awake in confusion some time later, the remnants of a strange dream clinging to her brain before floating away, and it takes her a moment to realize where she is and that her kids are safe and sound; her family spending the night at Olivia's. She becomes aware of a low whimpering noise nearby and rolls over on the cushions to see Olivia's shadowy form huddled at the other end of the couch, her boss clearly asleep and appearing to be suffering through a nightmare.

"Liv," Amanda whispers in concern, shuffling over bit by bit in her clumsy, half-awake state until she is sitting right beside Olivia, noticing that a blanket had been draped across her lap at some point in the past while, and pulling the cozy material over Olivia's legs as she shares its warmth with the shivering figure next to her. "Wake up, honey. You're okay, it's just a dream."

She is startled when Olivia instantly sags against her body and slender fingers grip the front of her sweatshirt as the brunette mumbles incoherently under her breath, Amanda quickly wrapping her arms around her boss in a tender embrace. She speaks softly into Olivia's ear, gently urging her to wake up while uttering assurances that whatever is happening inside her head isn't real; trying not to dwell on how good it feels to have the weight of Olivia's body against her own, and how much she has wanted to hold the older woman since their conversation on the phone.

Even though neither of them are used to behaving this way with each other and Amanda can count on one hand the number of times they have hugged or touched throughout the past several years, it just seems right to provide Olivia with physical comfort while trying to guide her out of her nightmare. She caresses tender fingers through snarled strands of hair, revelling in the trust that Olivia is putting in her as she tightens her grip on the trembling woman in her arms, wondering how long ago Olivia had come back out to the living room to rejoin her on the couch.

Amanda has no idea what time it is now but estimates that a few hours have passed, the apartment pitch dark and completely silent, aside from the occasional mumble and whimper from Olivia, Frannie a quiet and unmoving lump of fur on the floor below them. Olivia's face is pressing into her neck and Amanda can feel a dampness forming on her skin, her heart aching at the return of Olivia's tears as she places a compassionate kiss to the top of her head.

"I was dreaming about our case," Olivia suddenly begins murmuring, "and how Diane told me that Kevin wasn't her brother anymore. Then Noah told me that he wasn't my son anymore; that he never was in the first place. God, I thought it was real. It seemed like it was actually happening..."

"Oh, Liv." Amanda is horrified for her lieutenant, but all too familiar with the evil and unpredictable ways the brain chooses to work after the body has fallen asleep, having had plenty of experience with her own nightmares. "That's never going to happen, okay? Of course Noah is your son. What brought all this on?"

"Noah was asking me about his father recently," Olivia mutters wearily into her neck, the other woman apparently too tired to lift her head. "It's been bringing up all sorts of feelings for me and I can't stop thinking about it."

"I'll bet it has," Amanda says softly, continuing to stroke Olivia's hair back from her face and hoping the older woman will keep opening up to her. "I can imagine it's been very difficult to deal with."

"Combined with everything else that's been going on; Cassidy and Lewis and Annabeth Pearl, it's just become too much." Olivia still sounds half-asleep as she speaks, her garbled tone anguished and defeated, like she is just about ready to give up on life. "It feels like I'm breaking into pieces; like I can't hold myself together anymore. Everything is so hurtful and exhausting and confusing. And that's not even all of it. I just have so much on my mind."

"Well, let it all out, then," Amanda urges quietly, imparting a gentle squeeze to the back of Olivia's neck and her heart breaking for the woman she cares so much about, surprised and grateful that her boss hasn't pulled away from her yet. "Talk to me, Liv. It sounds like you've been keeping so much bottled up inside and it must be terrible. You can tell me anything, okay? What else is on your mind?"

Olivia falls abruptly silent at this question, Amanda peering down to see a look of realization crossing her features, like it has just dawned on the other woman that she has said too much in her distressed state of mind and needs to put a stop to her confessions. "Just forget it, Amanda. Let's go back to sleep, alright? I'm sure I'll be fine now."

"Hell, no, I'm not just going to forget about it," she replies with a frown, giving the taller figure in her arms a light, chastising shake. "Come on, honey, I came over here so we could talk but then I ruined it by falling asleep. So let's talk now, since we're both awake again. Please tell me what else is going on, Liv, because you are definitely not fine and I'm really worried about you."

Amanda keeps her arms locked around Olivia's shuddering form but leans back enough so they can make eye contact with one another, a sliver of moonlight shining through the gap in the curtains glinting off the tears tracks on Olivia's cheeks. They are gazing intently at each other now and Amanda can feel herself drowning in those dark, watery orbs, her breath catching sharply in her throat because she is suddenly positive that she can see it in Olivia's expression; the reason the older woman has abruptly stopped speaking and suggested they go back to sleep.

Her heart is pounding frantically in her chest and she tries to control the breath that has begun emitting in ragged puffs of air from her open mouth, hoping she is not about to make a huge mistake and hasn't misread the look on Olivia's face; the need, the embarrassment, the desire, and something else that she can't quite define, all mingling together. Amanda leans forward very slowly, giving Olivia the chance to pull away if she wants to, but the brunette stays right where she is, not moving a muscle as their gazes continue to fix intensely on each other and Amanda presses the softest, most gentle kiss on Olivia's lips, the gesture meant to be comforting and entirely undemanding; the lightest graze of affection.

"Is that what else has been on your mind?" she whispers shakily, her thoughts racing in wild circles as beads of sweat break out across her forehead and her heart beats even faster at the thought of being wrong and making a gigantic fool out of herself; at Olivia yanking away from her in disgust and ordering Amanda and her family to leave the apartment in the middle of the night.

To her immense relief, she watches as a wobbly smile stretches across Olivia's face, the lieutenant letting out a choked, nervous laugh and sounding as if she is trying to catch her breath, Amanda's jaw dropping and her eyes widening at the older woman's next words. "It's been on my mind for as long as I can remember. But even more so since that day at the courthouse."

"When I told you that I loved you?" Amanda's voice is barely audible, the question coming out in a tentative and somewhat terrified tone, unable to believe the direction this night has taken and afraid that it's about to be snatched away from her; that perhaps this is part of a dream she hasn't awoken from yet.

"Yeah," Olivia murmurs in response, the other woman sounding just as uncertain as Amanda feels. "I wasn't sure what the context was and I haven't had the courage to bring it up, but besides my son, it's the only thing that has kept me going during of all the darkness that's been weighing on my mind lately; the hope that you felt for me what I feel for you. And even if you didn't...well, just knowing that you love me, even if it's only as a friend, has made things more bearable."

There are tears welling up in Amanda's own eyes now, blinking furiously to keep them at bay as she grabs Olivia in a swift hug, the blanket becoming twisted around their entwined bodies as she feels Olivia hugging her just as tightly in return. They sway back and forth for a moment, sealed in a firm embrace and a shiver of pleasure running down Amanda's spine when she feels a plump pair of lips brushing the side of her neck, overwhelmed with emotion at this unexpected turn of events.

"God, I love you so much, Liv," she whispers fiercely into the other woman's shoulder, the intoxicating scent of Olivia's shampoo wafting around her and making her head spin as they mold themselves even closer together on the cushions, the relief at being able to say those words in the exact way she means them causing a swell of joy to rise inside, although the elation is tempered with concern. "And I want you to be okay. I don't want you to think of yourself as a failure or someone who is breaking to pieces and falling apart. You're a human being with a lot on your plate and you're doing the best you can. I think you're amazingly strong, Liv; I really do. But if you feel like you need some extra help with all of this, please don't be afraid to tell me or seek it out."

Amanda is not usually one to advocate for therapy, but she knows that Olivia has had success in the past with Dr. Lindstrom, and just wants whatever is best for the woman she loves. It makes her heart ache to think of Olivia feeling so sad and anxious and rundown, and although she longs to be the one to lift the burdens from her boss' soul and ease any tension in her life, she can acknowledge that Olivia might benefit from some professional intervention as well.

There is plenty of time to talk about that in the days ahead, though; along with many other things that Amanda suddenly wants to say, but a glance at the clock shows that it's nearing 3am, and she knows that Billie will need to be fed again soon and Jesse will likely be up sometime in the next few hours. She isn't sure if Noah is an early riser or not, but if her daughters don't wake him up, Frannie should have the little boy wide awake at the crack of dawn, as the dog has taken to howling pitifully if Amanda isn't quick enough to provide her pet with breakfast and a brisk walk in the morning.

Chaos will be descending again soon enough, but for now it feels like she and Olivia are the only two people in the world, both of them shifting on the couch so they are lying side by side along the cushions, Amanda spooning the older woman beneath the blanket. Those three little words are repeated several times as they settle down to rest and she rubs a soothing thumb against Olivia's stomach, the endearment whispered back and forth between them in the darkness until Amanda is giggling and grinning like an idiot, giddy and exhausted at the same time.

She listens to the low, musical sound of Olivia's laughter in front of her and presses a lingering kiss to the back of her head, delighted to hear such happiness from the other woman and hopeful that it will continue. Amanda wishes it was possible to shield Olivia from everything bad in the world, tightening her protective hold on the curvy figure tucked into her chest as her eyelids drift closed and a feeling of contentment washes over her, resolving to do whatever she can to help Olivia through this tough time and make her see that she is not broken.


	16. Episode 20x18

**I got behind on my drabbles, so this chapter is for the episode that aired a couple of weeks ago. I'll also be writing a drabble for the newest episode, and I hope to have it posted soon. This update is light and fluffy, since the next one will be dark and angsty.  
**

xxxxxxxxxx

 **Episode : 20x18 ("Blackout")**

 **Genre : Romance/humor**

 **Rating : T bordering on M**

xxxxxxxxxx

"Well, that was definitely an exercise in torture," Olivia groans in a joking manner as she strides along the sidewalk to her SUV with Amanda beside her, their high heels clicking in tandem along the pavement.

"Yup, it sure was. I didn't think we were ever going to make it out of there," Amanda replies in a rather dramatic tone, the younger woman heaving a sigh. "And I can't believe that slimy lawyer had the nerve to hit on both of us. I feel like I need to take a shower."

Olivia rolls her eyes and chuckles, relieved to be out of the stifling heat of the convention center as she sucks in a mouthful of cold fresh air. The night is chilly and clear, the moon and stars visible in the inky black sky above the bright lights of the city, and she can't remember the last time she had taken a moment to appreciate being outdoors and away from the stresses of work.

"You know, you're on a roll, Liv," she listens to Amanda remark as they stroll at a slightly slower pace now that they have put some distance between themselves and their co-workers, and the mood is more relaxed. "That's the second time you've been hit on today."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Olivia throws a puzzled glance at the blonde detective, Amanda gazing back at her with both eyebrows raised, a mixture of amusement and irritation evident in her expression.

"Didn't Nikki Staines ask you to go on a date with her earlier today? _Two_ slimy lawyers in the same day, ugh. You probably need a shower more than I do right now."

"She wasn't asking me on date." Olivia rolls her eyes again and shakes her head as a smile tugs at her lips, watching as Amanda puts one hand on her hip in an annoyed pose.

"Well, what would you call it, then?"

"She had an extra ticket because she's getting divorced," Olivia explains patiently, even though they have already had this conversation. "She just didn't want it to go to waste."

"And I'm guessing she didn't know that you already had a date with someone else," Amanda adds lightly, Olivia's smile growing wider as she reaches out to let her fingers graze discreetly along the sleeve of the younger woman's coat.

"I didn't say anything to her, so she couldn't have known."

"Do you think it's obvious that we're on a date?" Amanda questions with a tilt of her head, blue eyes glittering curiously as long blonde waves fall alluringly over one shoulder.

"Because we arrived and left together?" Olivia replies with an unconcerned shrug, suddenly transfixed by the way the streetlights are glinting off Amanda's hair and highlighting the delicate golden strands. "No, I don't think it was obvious. It makes sense that we would do it this way, since Lucy is watching Noah and the girls and Frannie at your place."

Amanda makes a soft noise of agreement as their hands brush casually against each other while they walk, Olivia briefly tangling their fingers together and imparting a tender squeeze to the chilled, slim digits of her detective before letting go. Although she is aware of the possibility of running into someone else they work with, even as they continue to put distance between themselves and the convention center, Olivia is not as worried about the discovery of their fledgling relationship as she had initially thought she would be.

They had decided to start out slowly, attending a police event where they would have run into one another and socialized for the evening anyway, their little secret simmering between them during every tedious conversation with colleagues and superiors. Although Olivia had been less than pleased at both of them getting hit on in the midst of their first date, the knowledge of their hidden romance had gotten her through each boring, obnoxious encounter and considerably lightened a function she would have otherwise dreaded.

After dancing around each other for as long as Olivia can remember, a recent playdate with the kids had turned into a slumber party and she had found herself occupying Amanda's bed for the night, overwhelmed with arousal at the close proximity of the warm body resting next to her on the sheets. One thing had led to another and before Olivia could even begin to process what was happening, their small talk had turned into something else altogether, the two of them suddenly locked in a passionate embrace as the other woman's lips had pressed fervently against her own.

Although they had managed to stop themselves before the heated liplock had gone too far, she had been terrified that things would be awkward and uncomfortable between them the next morning; pleasantly surprised when it was the exact opposite instead. The beginning stages of their relationship have been quite enjoyable, full of lighthearted banter and flirting, and when Amanda had made the comment about preferring to be in bed rather than staying at the philanthropy event, Olivia's heart had given a desirous leap as her mind was immediately catapulted back to that night.

The change in their relationship status from good friends to something deeper has been a shockingly easy transition, Olivia not anticipating just how right this would feel and how perfectly everything has fallen into place. She is not completely blinded by her intense feelings for Amanda and her plans for the future, however; knowing that there are many more changes to come and that they will likely not be nearly as joyful and satisfying as everything that has happened so far.

Olivia tries to push thoughts of disclosing their relationship to her bosses out of her mind for the rest of the night, intent on enjoying this rare time alone with Amanda and acknowledging that she is thinking way too far ahead when this is only their first official date. They have spent every possible moment together outside of the precinct over the past few weeks, but this is the first time they have been anywhere as a couple without the kids or Frannie accompanying them, and Olivia wishes they had more time with each other before going their separate ways for the remainder of the evening.

"So were you jealous, Liv?" Amanda asks suddenly, breaking Olivia out of her rambling thoughts as she throws her new girlfriend a confused glance.

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"When Rob Miller was making the moves on me," Amanda clarifies coyly, wiggling her eyebrows up and down and causing a laugh to sputter from Olivia's mouth. "I thought I saw a hint of jealousy in your eyes."

"I'm not as jealous as you are," Olivia chuckles as she gives Amanda a playful nudge with her elbow. "You're the one getting all bent out of shape because two people have hit on me in the same day, or so you claim. I still don't think Nikki was asking me out on a date, though."

"I'm not jealous!" Amanda protests instantly, sounding horrified that her lieutenant would even suggest such a thing, and Olivia choosing to back down right away.

"Okay," she sighs as they reach her vehicle and she unlocks the doors, her feet aching in the expensive, uncomfortable heels she had stupidly decided to wear. "I'm too tired to argue about this. Let's just agree that neither one of us are jealous, alright?"

"Sounds good to me," Amanda answers as they get situated beside each other in the front seat and Olivia puts the key in the ignition, catching some movement in the corner of her eye as a violent shudder runs through the younger woman's body.

"Are you okay, honey?" she questions in concern, turning her head and reaching out to put a hand on Amanda's arm, frowning slightly as she feels the small form shaking beneath her touch. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine, just cold," Amanda says with an audible chatter of her teeth, Olivia's frown deepening at the abruptly mischievous look on her face. "The wind kept blowing underneath my dress while we were walking and since I'm not wearing any panties, my nether region got a bit chilly."

"Oh, okay...wait... _what?"_ Olivia's heartbeat practically grinds to a halt at this unexpected admission from the blonde detective who is now grinning cheekily at her. "Why aren't you wearing any underwear?"

"Well, believe it or not, I didn't do it on purpose," Amanda giggles with a shrug of her shoulders, Olivia's face overcome with a hot flush of arousal as they gaze intently at one another in the darkness of the vehicle. "My apartment was absolute chaos while I was trying to get ready. Billie was screaming, Jesse was throwing a tantrum, and Frannie wouldn't stop barking, so I was having a hard time. I was able to take a really quick shower once Lucy arrived, but I was in so much of a hurry that I guess I forgot to put some underwear on before I got into my dress."

"Hmm, seems like a strange thing to forget," Olivia responds lightly, arching a skeptical eyebrow as she tries to calm her racing heart, astonished that Amanda had gone without panties for a police event. "Even if you were busy, it seems like something you would have noticed before you left."

"Oh, I _did_ notice it," Amanda snickers as that devilish grin grows even wider, Olivia's stomach turning a slow somersault as she observes the younger woman's gleeful attitude. "But not until we got to the convention center, and by that point there was nothing I could do about it. To make matters worse, seeing you in that incredible dress made me really wet, so it's been a bit of an awkward evening with our co-workers."

 _"Amanda_ ," Olivia groans as she shifts subtly in her seat in an effort to alleviate the ache that has swiftly taking up residence at the juncture of her thighs.

"What?" Amanda's entire demeanor is radiating innocence now, long lashes fluttering as those big blue eyes fix on her, and angelic golden waves framing cheeks that are tinged pink with the cold.

"What are you trying to do to me?" Olivia moans as she covers her face with her hands, attempting to ignore her own wetness that she can feel pooling between her legs. "We're about to go home to the kids!"

"We could always have a quickie in here before we go in, if you need to relieve some of your tension," Amanda offers with a casual chuckle, although Olivia can see the blatant lust in her expression now.

"That's not how I want our first time to go," she replies dryly, her eyebrows flying high on her forehead and wondering how many times Amanda is going to surprise her tonight.

"Oh? You've thought about it? How do you want it to go?" There is an eagerness and interest in Amanda's tone that Olivia finds endearing, another wave of arousal washing over her as she pictures the evening playing out the way she wishes it would.

"Well, it will be a lot more romantic than squishing into the backseat of my SUV for a quickie," Olivia laughs with an incensed shake of her head. "I'd like to think it will involve candlelight and classical music and soft lighting."

"Aww, Liv, that's so sweet and _so_ cheesy," Amanda smirks as she gives a roll of her eyes. "Are you going to sprinkle some rose petals on the bed too?"

"Well, I wasn't going to take it that far," Olivia huffs indignantly, sliding a little lower in her seat and resisting the urge to cross her arms over her chest and pout like Noah does when he's upset. "I just wanted it to be special."

"You don't have to get all grumpy," Amanda murmurs gently as she leans toward her, Olivia allowing herself to be tugged against the smaller body and relishing in the feeling of Amanda's arms wrapping around her as a lingering kiss is pressed to her temple. "And of course it will be special, honey, no matter where it takes place...whether it's in a bed or in an SUV..."

"Amanda!" Olivia pulls away with another frustrated laugh and gives the smaller woman a light swat across the thigh.

"We can even turn on the classical radio station, if it'll put you in the mood," Amanda continues in an impish tone, an amused twinkle shining in her eyes.

"I already _am_ in the mood," Olivia grumbles under her breath as she pulls the seat belt across her upper body and prepares to leave. "Especially now that I know you're not wearing any panties under that dress. We need to get the hell out of here before things go any further. Someone from the precinct could walk by at any moment."

"We can go to a hotel if Lucy doesn't mind sleeping over," Amanda says with a wistful note in her tone.

"Oh, yeah, right," Olivia snorts as she puts her signal on and begins inching away from the curb, easing the vehicle into the late evening traffic. "I'm sure she's dying to spend the entire night with a fussy baby, two hyper children, and a dog who won't stop barking. She's probably checking the time non-stop and praying we'll be back at any minute."

"Okay, well, there's an abandoned parking lot up ahead." Olivia looks over to see Amanda gesturing out the window as they drive. "We can pull in there for a minute and take care of some business."

"Wow, you are quite the classy lady, aren't you, Rollins?" Olivia can't control the laughter that has her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as she clenches her hands around the steering wheel and tries to put a stop to the erotic images cycling through her brain. "I'm not having sex with you in some random parking lot on the way home! Have you forgotten that we're both cops? God, what have I gotten myself into by starting a relationship with you?"

"Well, you're never gonna be bored with me around, Liv." Olivia sucks in a deep breath at the husky tone of Amanda's voice and the slender hand that is suddenly resting on top of her thigh. "I'll keep you on your toes."

"I don't doubt that for a second," she chokes out when nimble fingers begin running slow circles across her leg and dip down to the hem of her dress, darting beneath the garment for a split second before Amanda removes her hand and settles back into her seat with a sigh.

"So..." Olivia trails off and clears her throat roughly after a somewhat tense silence has enveloped the interior of the vehicle for several minutes, her question halting as she struggles to speak it clearly. "Are you still..."

"Still what, Liv? Come on, spit it out," Amanda prods encouragingly when she falters again in her attempt to articulate herself.

"Um, are you still wet?" Olivia mumbles as the words tumble out like they have a mind of their own, listening to the incredulous, gasping laugh that follows.

"Seriously, Olivia? You're actually asking me that after the lecture I just got about not engaging in sexual activity in any of the places I so helpfully suggested? I assumed you wanted us to start calming down now."

"Yeah, we should definitely calm down," Olivia agrees in a strained tone as beads of sweat break out across her forehead and gather along her spine. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"Well, if you really want to know, you're welcome to find out," Amanda offers in a sultry voice after another beat of taut silence. "You can touch me, if you want."

"I should probably keep both hands on the wheel while I drive. The traffic is heavy and I wouldn't want us to get into an accident." The steering wheel is so slick with moisture that Olivia has a hard time gripping onto it as she guides the vehicle toward their destination, her heart rate only ratcheting up higher every time Amanda makes another sensual suggestion.

"I can lift up my dress and give you a peek, if that would work out better."

"I probably shouldn't take my eyes off the road." Olivia is determined to keep her gaze fixed on the car in front of them and not let it drift over to the woman perched beside her, half expecting Amanda to start getting naked in the front seat.

"Wow, Liv, you sure know how to make things difficult, don't you?" She listens as the blonde detective heaves a weary sigh. "I would offer to help you relieve your tension while you drive, but I guess that's out of the question too, isn't it?"

"Amanda, you're killing me here," Olivia groans in exasperation, her brain running wild as she pictures Amanda sliding her hand underneath her dress again, but this time bringing some much-needed relief to her aching core.

"I'm just trying to be helpful. It's not my fault you keep shooting down every single one of my good ideas."

"How are you being helpful?" Olivia replies through gritted teeth, rubbing her thighs together as she tries to find a more comfortable position. "Getting me all riled up right before we have to go our separate ways for the rest of the night?"

"Well, how about _you_ chime in here, then? What do you think we should do?"

"I think we should go home to our kids. We can schedule another night to be together, when the two of us can be alone and take our time without rushing," Olivia answers regretfully, wanting nothing more than to pull over to the side of the road and bring an end to all of this sexual tension, despite shooting down every proposal that Amanda makes.

"You want us to schedule a night for sex?" Olivia nearly bursts out laughing again at Amanda's stunned tone. "Is this like making an appointment with the doctor or dentist? Should I pencil you in for a certain amount of time?"

"Amanda, _enough_ ," she grouses in exhaustion, trying to stifle the chuckles that are eager to escape her mouth. "We're both busy working moms and sometimes this is just the way it has to be."

"You know, it would be a lot easier if we lived together."

Olivia draws in a sharp breath at this unforeseen statement, practically slamming her foot down on the brake pad so they can have this conversation face to face, a mixture of shock and hope thrumming through her.

"Oh my god, I didn't mean to say that! Forget I said anything, okay? Fuck. _Fuck_." Amanda sounds utterly panicked now, a complete turnaround from the lighthearted teasing of a moment ago. "What kind of idiot suggests moving in together before the first date is even done? Please don't dump me already, okay, Liv? At least give me one more chance to get things right before you end it."

"I'm not going to dump you, Amanda. Just calm down," Olivia soothes tenderly, although her mind is racing a mile a minute as she tries to grasp what the other woman has just said. "I can definitely say that I've never been on a first date quite like this, though."

"Yeah, me neither," Amanda whines in embarrassment. "I'm usually a lot smoother than this, I swear."

"I believe you," Olivia chortles in amusement, feeling a twinge in her chest at Amanda's distress and anxious to make it disappear. "But I happen to adore this version of you, okay? I adore every version of you, and I think moving in together is something we can talk about a bit further down the road. But right now it's probably best if we just keep taking things slow."

"Yeah, you're right," Amanda agrees softly, Olivia shivering lightly as slender fingers skim over her arm. "But it's something you think might happen one day? Really?"

"Yes, really," Olivia assures her gently, leaning into the comforting touch while she drives. "We've known each other for so long now and it just seems natural to keep taking all of these big steps with you as our relationship evolves, but let's not rush things, okay? We have the kids to think about, as well as our jobs. Things will happen when they're supposed to."

"Don't get used to me saying this, but you're right again, Liv," Amanda declares quietly, Olivia smiling as she listens to the younger woman shift in her seat and feels a head come to rest on her shoulder. "What about this? Is this okay? I'm not moving too quickly now, am I?"

"No, you're not, honey." Olivia's heart is full as she lays her head against Amanda's, blonde strands of hair tickling her chin when she turns her face to plant a soft kiss on the detective's forehead, excited to see what the future will bring. "This is just perfect."


	17. Episode 20x19

**Episode : 20x19 ("Dearly Beloved")**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T **

xxxxxxxxxx

The precinct is eerily calm this early in the morning, Amanda stifling a yawn as she rubs a fist over her drooping eyelids and surveys the unusually quiet squad room. Despite the extreme challenge of trying to make it out the door with a clingy three-year-old hanging from her leg, a fussy baby in her arms, and a needy dog running circles around her, she had left her little family in the capable hands of her nanny and is the first one of her team to arrive.

Amanda has made a supreme effort to show up before everyone else so she is able to catch Olivia at the start of the day, loitering by the coffee station as she waits and chugging caffeine like her life depends on it while keeping an eye out for her lieutenant. The older woman has been on her mind almost constantly these days, Amanda very worried for the well-being of her boss and friend as Olivia's comment about her mother being unable to love someone who was conceived by a monster weighs heavily upon her.

Although it wasn't Carisi's fault for interrupting them when he had, she can't help cursing her fellow detective for bringing an abrupt halt to that particular discussion, just as Olivia had been opening up to her about something so personal. Amanda hadn't wanted to leave the brunette's office, reluctantly following Carisi from the room in order to pick up their perpetrator, and she hasn't been able to find the right time to bring the topic of discussion back to the forefront since that day.

She has been debating whether or not to mention it again; aware that Olivia might not want to delve back into such a painful subject, but her worry for the brunette causing any hesitation to melt away. Amanda feels privileged that she is the one Olivia had chosen to turn to in her time of need, and she intends to be there for the older woman as much as Olivia will allow her to be.

"Rollins?"

Olivia's surprised voice startles her, jolting Amanda back to the present time as she tries to keep the coffee from sloshing over the rim of her cup and burning her hand while she sets the mug carefully down on the counter.

"Good morning, Liv."

"What are you doing here already?" Olivia's tone is confused now, threaded with traces of what appear to be both amusement and concern. "You're so early. Has hell frozen over?"

"Haha, you're hilarious," Amanda quips with a roll of her eyes, trying to push down the hint of annoyance that always comes with any dig that is made about her inability to make it to work in a timely fashion. "I just wanted to talk to you before our shift begins. We got interrupted the other day and couldn't finish our conversation."

"What conversation?"

Amanda frowns as she regards the other woman with a tilt of her head, unable to tell if Olivia is playing dumb or if she has truly forgotten about their discussion in all the chaos of the past week. "You know...when you were telling me about overhearing your mom talking on the phone."

"Oh, it's alright, don't worry about it," Olivia answers in a guarded tone, giving a casual wave of her hand. "Our cases should always come before my personal issues, so it's fine if we didn't get to finish the conversation."

"Well, now that the latest case is over, we can talk some more...if you want to, that is," Amanda adds somewhat uncertainly when she observes the closed-off look on Olivia's face and the shadow that falls over her expressive brown orbs. "Are you doing okay?"

"Sure," Olivia says with a shrug, repeating what she had said in her office earlier that week and Amanda as disbelieving of the response now as she was then.

"You don't sound very convincing," she points out softly, trailing slowly after her lieutenant when Olivia merely shrugs again and strides into her office with a sharp retort.

"I didn't realize I needed to convince you."

Amanda hovers in the doorway and scrapes the sole of her boot back and forth across the floor, feeling strangely unwelcome and out of place. On a normal day, she is inside Olivia's office nearly as much as she occupies her own desk, and usually has no problem with making herself right at home in her boss' space. Today, however, she can sense a change in the mood between them, like the closeness and friendship they have finally achieved after all these years has dissipated somewhat and Olivia doesn't want her there.

Amanda feels her mouth dragging down at the corner with this upsetting thought, shockingly close to tears at the rejection she is sure is about to come, and biting down hard on her lower lip as she tries to hold them at bay, chastising herself for becoming so emotional. She blames it on a severe lack of sleep and feeling so rundown with life in general; her emotions all over the place lately as she struggles to raise two kids and a rambunctious dog on her own, and finding herself near tears at the most random, inconvenient times.

It's not as if they haven't had plenty of contentious moments in Olivia's office over the years, but Amanda likes to think they have moved well past the point of a potential rift between them; that even if they don't always see eye to eye on something, it doesn't mean their friendship is suddenly done or the situation is going to explode into a nasty fight. Despite this reminder to herself, Amanda's shoulders slump and she lowers her head, already feeling drained of the small amount of energy that the coffee has infused her with, and preparing for Olivia to tell her to vacate the office and go sit down at her desk.

"Are you alright, Amanda?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she murmurs in reply, barely concealing her surprise at Olivia's question and the noticeable concern in her voice, not wanting to turn this situation around and make it about herself.

"Really? Because you look like you're about to cry."

"I'm not going to cry," Amanda scoffs in embarrassment, staring down at the ground and watching as bits of gravel and mud from the bottom of her boot leave dirty streaks along the tiles as she continues to glide her foot back and forth.

She raises her head again when she hears an exasperated sigh and sees Olivia walking toward her, the older woman gently taking ahold of her hand and tugging her into the room. "Come in here, Amanda."

"I thought you didn't want me here," she mutters in a mournful tone, chiding herself yet again on the immature, melancholy mood she seems to have arrived with and resolving to try as hard as possible to get more sleep so she can stop acting this way.

"I didn't say that."

She feels a tender squeeze being imparted to their joined hands before Olivia lets go, Amanda missing her boss' touch right away and wondering which one of them needs the most comfort right now. She can acknowledge that her life is a bit of a mess at the moment and she has no idea what she's doing half the time, trying to juggle so many things at once while worrying non-stop about her children, and resists the urge to sink down onto Olivia's couch with a weary sigh.

Instead of flopping in exhaustion onto the inviting cushions, Amanda stands awkwardly in the middle of the office and gazes intently at Olivia while shifting her weight from one foot to the other, the older woman having paused behind her desk as if she can't decide whether to sit down or not. Their eyes lock across the room and Amanda can now see beneath the veil that had slipped over Olivia's face earlier, so many emotions playing out across her features, and it looks as if the brunette is just as tired as she herself is.

"Have you been getting enough sleep lately, Amanda?" Olivia asks with a gentle kindness that has the tears threatening once again.

"This isn't about me, Liv," Amanda replies softly, taking a step toward the desk and blinking rapidly in an effort to stem the flow of emotions. "I came in here so we can talk about you. I want to make sure you're doing okay after what we discussed."

"Well, to be honest...I don't know if I am or not."

Amanda quirks an eyebrow at this response, surprised and relieved that Olivia is being more truthful with her now, and shuffles forward so she is standing on the other side of the desk with her hands braced against the surface. She waits for Olivia to continue speaking, hoping the other woman will keep opening up to her and won't push all of her anguish deep down inside, never to be spoken of again.

"Sometimes I worry that I can't do this job anymore; that I'm incapable of being objective in certain situations because of my own life experiences." Olivia's voice is low and tentative, like she is unsure if it's okay to be sharing such private information about herself but forging ahead anyway. "Sometimes I wonder if it's time to start thinking about retirement."

Amanda is stunned into silence by this unexpected admission, momentarily at a loss for words as she tries to grapple with what Olivia has just said, assuming the older woman would be eager to advance even higher up the ladder instead of contemplating putting an end to her career. She loves her squad like family but knows they won't be working together forever; as much as it pains her to acknowledge it, they are all getting older and eventually things will have to change, but Amanda can't even begin to wrap her brain around the notion of Olivia not being here anymore.

She has spent nearly eight years in the presence of this woman who has been a mentor, a protector, and a friend to her; a person she admires above anyone else and holds in such high esteem, and Amanda simply can't imagine what it will be like at the precinct if Olivia ever decides to leave. This news is coming at a particularly bad time, when everything in her life is already so chaotic and there has been so much change and upheaval over the past several months, and rather than comforting Olivia and encouraging her to keep talking, Amanda turns away from her lieutenant.

Her vision is so blurred with tears that she can no longer see properly as she staggers over to the couch that she had so desperately wanted to collapse onto upon entering the office, Amanda ashamed of her thought process and selfish actions when Olivia is going through so much. She scrubs her hands over her face and rakes her fingers back through her hair, trying to pull herself together before the rest of their team arrives and they have to buckle down and get to work.

"Amanda? What's wrong, honey? Are you okay?"

The tender concern in Olivia's voice and the older woman's obvious disregard for her own personal suffering in the face of her detective's distress proceeds to rip Amanda's heart to shreds, wringing her hands anxiously together and picking at her fingernails. "I don't want you to leave." Her voice emits in a squeaky whine, her throat clogged with devastated tears, and she is pretty sure she sounds more like her tantrum-throwing three-year-old than a seasoned cop who should know better than to behave in this manner.

"I'm not leaving. I never said that." Olivia's tone is both compassionate and stern now, Amanda flinching slightly when she feels a pair of hands come to rest on her shoulders, before relaxing into Olivia's touch. "Were you listening to what I was saying, Amanda? I said that it was something to think about, based on what has been happening lately. As the leader of this unit, it's my job to remain objective during a case and it's not something that I'm absolutely sure I can be at all times."

"Well, isn't it pretty unrealistic for you to think and act in a certain way at all times, Olivia?" Amanda protests without turning around, unsure if she can look her boss in the eye right now without breaking down. "No one can do that a hundred percent of the time, no matter what their job is. And in my opinion, you can use your life experiences to help people instead of harm them. We all have different perspectives on things based on what we've gone through in our lives, don't we? It doesn't mean that's a bad thing."

"It's not necessarily a good thing either," Olivia whispers after a beat of tense silence, and Amanda feels the other woman's hands tighten briefly on her shoulders before her grip loosens and they fall away.

"Maybe you can just take some time off," Amanda suggests gently, still unable to turn around and face Olivia without bursting into tears. "Go on vacation with Noah and unwind for a bit. Think things through before making any rash decisions."

"This is not a decision I'll be making lightly." There is a scolding quality to Olivia's voice now, and Amanda feels a brief touch on her forearm. "There are so many things to take into consideration before making a huge decision like that. It's just something that has started crossing my mind whenever I doubt my ability to properly lead this team and be there for the victims we encounter on a daily basis. Maybe I don't deserve to be here anymore."

"You are an amazing leader, Liv, and you deserve to be here more than any of us," Amanda states fiercely as she whirls around with watery eyes, her heart aching when she observes the tears hovering on Olivia's lashes as well. "It's normal to doubt your abilities from time to time, but even if you think you've screwed up with a case, it doesn't make you a bad lieutenant. It doesn't mean you're not capable of doing your job well. You always do the best you can, Olivia. No one works harder or puts more effort into their job than you do. You're the best boss I've ever had. I love working with you and I appreciate the example you set for all of us, even if I don't always act like I do."

Amanda is gratified to see a smile pulling at Olivia's lips now and finds herself doing the same; a shaky grin stretching across her face as they regard each other with damp eyes. She reaches down to clasp both of Olivia's hands in her own, giving them a comforting squeeze when she feels how much the older woman is trembling, and takes a deep breath before speaking again.

"Liv, I know you had such a hard with your mother while growing up and things have been pretty rough for you lately, and sometimes all of it causes you to doubt yourself, but you are a good person and you deserve good things, okay?" Amanda's voice is hushed as a tear finally spills over and slips down her cheek, unable to contain the simmering emotion any longer. "And just so you know, you're easy to love, alright? So you can remove any doubt from your mind about that."

She watches as a waterfall of tears flood Olivia's face, catching a glimpse of both pleasure and despair in the older woman's expression before Olivia lowers her head and her features are obscured by thick brown hair. Amanda ducks her chin and tries to reestablish eye contact with the brunette as she squeezes her hands again, the gesture firmer this time as she attempts to keep Olivia from retreating into her shell.

Although she can count on one hand the number of times they have shared a hug over the past several years, neither one of them very physically affectionate people, Amanda decides to take a chance and reaches out to wrap her arms around Olivia's taller form. She feels the lieutenant stiffen in her embrace and is about to pull away when Olivia's body goes slack, Amanda tightening her grip with a slight grunt as strong but shuddering arms loop around her back and Olivia is hugging her in return, leaning heavily into her small figure.

She loses track of how long they stand there crying quietly together with their bodies huddled into one another, and Amanda has to admit that it feels good to release all of her pent-up emotions and allow herself to give and receive comfort. She buries her face in Olivia's shoulder, her boss' sweet-smelling hair tickling her nose, enjoying the rare closeness between them and savoring the experience just in case it doesn't happen again for quite awhile.

"Fin and Carisi are going to be here soon," she finally hears Olivia mumble into the side of her neck, the other woman's voice raspy and muffled, surprised that Olivia is so relaxed in her arms and is letting herself be held for so long. "We should probably try to pull ourselves together and get cleaned up a bit."

"Yeah, I think I have mascara running down my face," Amanda replies with a husky laugh, pulling away reluctantly but making sure she is still standing close enough to touch Olivia again if she wants to, not yet ready to sever their physical connection. "It might be a little weird if they arrive at the precinct to find us hugging and crying all over each other."

"Yup, just a little weird," Olivia chuckles in response, Amanda's heart melting when the brunette reaches up and gently swipes a thumb over her cheekbone to remove some of her smeared makeup. "Thanks for coming in early to check on me, Amanda."

"No problem, Liv," she answers somewhat sheepishly, a blush creeping up her neck to infuse her face with color. "I'm sorry for getting so emotional, though. I didn't mean to do that. I was supposed to be comforting you; not the other way around."

"You _did_ comfort me, Amanda," Olivia assures her softly. "But I know you need some comfort as well. I think I'm right to assume that I'm not the only one who's been going through a rough time lately. I know we don't have enough time to get into things right now, but how about we go somewhere for lunch today, just the two of us? We can continue our conversation when we're not about to be interrupted by the guys."

Amanda watches Olivia nod toward the window and turns her head to see Fin and Carisi entering the squad room together, the younger of the two chatting away animatedly while their sergeant sips at his coffee without uttering a word. Her gaze swings back to Olivia, relieved to see those previously troubled dark orbs looking much clearer now and reaching out to impart one last tender squeeze to the other woman's hand before the work day officially begins.

"Sure, Liv, that sounds like a great idea. I would love to have lunch with you." Another smile stretches across Amanda's face as she anticipates some quality time spent with her boss and friend, already looking forward to their break from the precinct and the chance to get to know each other even better.


End file.
